Momoftwo wrote:

Gloria wrote:

I feel no hate in my situation. I am happily married and not to the homosexual that I broke up with.

Yet you chose to comment on my message, so you may be happily married but yet you chose to say mean hateful comment about my husband who you did not know. I posted only because I was sad and upset that my marriage of so many years was not what I would have hoped and yet you have to post hate saying hope he gets what he deserved. It hurt to read this and I was not wanting negative feedback, I was just trying to deal with the fact I lived a life I would not have chose but I would never, ever feel hatred for a man I lived with for 34 years who obviously could not accept his sexuality. Gloria, peace be with you and your new marriage.

 

Momoftwo, I am very sorry if I hurt you in any way. When I found out my ex boyfriend was gay, I posted on here and some hateful comments were said to me. I am better than that. I hope that you start feeling better. I know it is difficult. I also wish you peace.

LostDad,
[I'm going to leave this response here, and with your long post, as it applies in both cases.]

   You are a victim and this isn't your fault.  Even though you knew she was bi from the get go, you are not the one who initiated this latest conversation.  Nor was it your responsibility to check in with your wife periodically to ensure she was happily committed to you.  That was her responsibility. 

    You are so deep in trying to manage the crisis and respond to your wife's moving the goalposts that you have not yet been able, I'm sure, to ask yourself why, after 20 years of marriage, your wife felt it necessary to initiate this conversation, and, further, why she framed it in terms of "fairness." 

   Framing the situation as one in which she is being fair to you (and your kids) is a direct invitation to you, a way to subtly suggest to you, that you consider whether her not having a relationship with a women is "fair" to her.  Framing it in this way strikes me as manipulation on her part.  She didn't come to you and say, "You know I'm bi, and lately I have been feeling as if I would like to explore that part of myself, so could we talk about a polyamorous arrangement or an open marriage?"  No.  Instead she raises the issue of her sexuality in a way that places her in the position of making a noble sacrifice for you (and your family): "I'm bi, but I will never express that part of myself until you are dead, because it wouldn't be fair to you."  Implied in that statement is, "I'm bi, but I will never get to express that part of myself, so I will suffer along, deprived of the ability to fully be who I am."  No wonder you responded as you did, by rushing in to meet her implied "noble sacrifice" with one of your own.  

  I wonder:  Why did she raise the issue now in the first place (and in those terms)?  It would not surprise me at all if she had already begun a relationship with her friend when she initiated this conversation with you.  

You are very right that the person you leaned on and depended on is now causing you pain.  And she did so in all deliberateness.  Nor do we go to the person who deliberately hurt us for comfort. 

  Please do not agree to the girlfriend moving into your house until you have seen a lawyer and a therapist.  You need to discuss with a lawyer the financial implications of both divorce and a third person in your household, and you need to talk to a therapist about your feelings.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 17, 2022 7:17 am)