winnie340 wrote:

It has been many years since the revelation..  No admission, accept for the personal discussion between my ex and I... never a full disclosure... but we both know full well the situation..  He has a new woman in his life.. my girls do not care for her very much.. They are 29 and 27 years of age.. We are close.. but I have never disclosed the reason their father and I separated..  I want to now.. How do I go about this???

First of all...think about the relationship both your girls have with their father and be prepared, if the r'ship they have with him is a good one, for shock, disbelief, tears. All the while remembering that this is your truth. You're telling them your story and they may already have had suspicions about their father but never talked about it to save you the distress they think it may cause.
You are still carrying the burden of his secret. That's not fair. Or right.
Both your daughters are old enough to learn this, in my opinion should have been told way before this.

Do you have... Have you kept any proof of his closet?

Elle
 

When I moved out and started divorce proceedings, three and a half years ago, I told our son that his father and I weren't divorcing after 35 years of marriage because we were "happier apart." I said there was a reason that had to do with his father, and he [our son] could ask his father, but his father had already told me he would tell our son "some things are private" and refuse to tell him the truth about why we were divorcing.  I told my son if he wanted to know I would tell him.  He said he did not want to know right then, but understood he could ask me if he ever did want to know. 

I do want to tell my adult son, for lots of reasons, first and foremost because I want an entirely honest relationship with him.  I don't give a fig about my ex's desire to remain in his closet, and I don't like enabling what I consider my ex's false relationship with our son.  Nor do I like the feeling that as long as I keep this secret from our son I remain at least partly in my ex's closet, and therefore continue enable his false life. 

 But--I have to balance my desire to tell our son with my son's desire to know, and so far, at least, he has said he doesn't want to know.  Also, when my ex dropped his bomb on unsuspecting me, he set me on a path of questioning our entire life together and much about myself, and I don't want to reproduce this behavior by imposing my desire to tell my adult son when he doesn't want to know, and to set him off on a similar path. 

That's just my story.  In your case, winnie, I would think that one reason you might want to tell your daughters would be cautionary, so they don't end up similarly hoodwinked. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 25, 2021 7:19 pm)

I’m almost exactly where OutofHisCloset is with this question, only I have three sons ages 27, 29 and 31. I long to tell them the sordid details but I have to check my motivation for doing so—revenge? punishment?  of my ex mostly. This would be a potent antidote for me of the anger and bitterness I still feel toward their father for hoodwinking me over a 28 year marriage. When we split up, I told our sons that their father had betray me, without getting into specifics. This is also how I expressed it to friends and family (I live in a small town and I just didn’t want to expose our family to gossip). That was an honest answer. That same day one of them asked “how did he betray you?” and I said that was for their father to tell them, knowing he never will. I feel like I’ve been honest with them in describing how much their Dad hurt me without going into detail. They get the gist.

This is part of your kids' story, so they deserve to know.  The truth will always come out, and they will likely be pissed at you if they find out some other way.  They will wonder why you withheld this from them and feel hurt you didn't tell them.

Also, you shouldn't carry the weight of this any more.  Why should your kids think you screwed up, or give your ex the space to cultivate a phony narrative about the reasons you divorced?