jamie, yes.  it is a bombshell.  and it's still reverberating.

the concept of cupboard love helps you come to terms with what is a sort of crazy making impossibility - that your wife hasn't just changed into a monster, she's been one all along.  it's a dramatic deficit between you, who is giving to her and her who is taking from you.

we feel it but don't see it, not our best friend, no we think oh we think how good they are to put up with us and that is so far from the truth - I realised he'd made me think I was at fault, he'd played on my insecurities.

once my ex couldn't play me any more he focused on playing other people to get them to have a go at me.  and he started taking things out of the house and stashing them at a friends.  etc. etc. etc.  none of it nice caring friendly stuff.  all about getting what he could out of me and making me hurt as much as he could.



 

Lily, you summed the exiting gay spouse well.  Jamie,  your're seeing the entitlement , while they are actively hurting us,  that knows no bounds.    

It was a confusing conundrum for me.. She wanted, expected, all my time, talents,  resources and the privileges of being married to me.. but didnt want to be married to me.    Further she expected these thing while actively cheating on me, technically still married,  and  (cant make this up) after she'd taken her wedding rings off.      In short  she expected my honor and stoic good behavior while we were divorcing.    Its here i saw here broken morality.. between what is right and what is wrong.   Its not surprising though...if they can cheat on us in good conscious it stands to reason they can justify all other
bad treatment of us.     

 It doesn't have to be this way.. they could be kind but they choose not to...or in some sick way in their head they think they are being kind.     Best to get far away from this sort of  "kindness".

Know that at this point , you can choose how to act...how nice to be.. how assertive to be.   Generally any assertiveness will be seen as being "mean" to them.    Do not feel bad... know this is the consequences of their actions... this they knew but ignored when they cheated and chose..   Do not left her shift blame for anything now to you.      My GX to this day acts like it was all me..bestowed offenses on me that I didnt do or if I did , I didn't initiate.  Any kindness I showed is forgotten.    But in this life and the next I can say I was kind and kept all my promises and all my vows.

Sorry Jamie.  but I think you might have to brace yourself - from what I am reading in your posts I don't see anything to make me think she will be nicer to you than my ex was to me.

It's kinda run of the mill, but it's an awesome state of entitlement that says she can go out partying, rub your nose in it when she comes home and then say she doesn't want a divorce, you have to look after her.

It's a tricky time.  Don't let her rile you again - walk away rather than respond.  better to stay cool and objective - take a step back and observe her a bit.  wait to see what she does next when you don't bite.  


 

sounds good, Jamie.  wishing you the best of luck.  Post here as much as you like, talk with any family you feel comfortable with, know that another commonality of the straight spouse experience is the feeling of relief that comes when you finally get away.

jamieblunt wrote:

....And then i spent half an hour with her explaining the process and filling in some forms for her to get a house under shared ownership.

"Shared ownership" ..?

Elle