OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Probably sounds familiar

**Posted by Soaplife** November 13, 2021 4:03 am

Jsmie I don't know british law but in Australia our no-fault laws mean the property division and custody can be formalised anytime during the 12 month separation period. I found the divorce was little more than a rubber stamp - all the nuts and bolts had been sorted within a few months of the separation.

So you might be able to do the practicalities quickly if there's agreement between you.

**Posted by Daryl** November 13, 2021 9:55 am

jamieblunt wrote:
stbx doesnt even want to engage a solicitor for this,she says she trusts me 100%, i know you will all think its a trap but you really dont know her.

It's not about trust, it's about having everything done correctly according to law, so that everyone is protected. You wouldn't buy a home without a lawyer signing off on the agreement, this is not very different.

**Posted by lily** November 13, 2021 9:56 am

Australian law is still very close to British isn't it - if it is the same in this then stbx not engaging a lawyer is a trap - she can always claim coercion or that she didn't understand what she was signing. That's what my lawyer friend advised. He then gave me the names of two lawyers, one for me and one for him and I said to my ex that I would pay both accounts as long as he didn't do any unnecessary consulting. We then batted lists of who gets what back and forth by email.

Once we had an agreement signed we were able to split financially and the divorce was filed and done by my lawyer afterwards without either of us going to court at all.

one of the commonalities in the straight spouse experience is a belief in our 'best friend' - we tend to think our partners are nicer than they actually are. Maybe it is so pronounced because our partners tend to think of themselves as a bit special, or maybe it is just normal with manipulative partners, idk.

But when I read "I know you will all think it's a trap but you really don't know her" I see a red flag waving and want to say neither do you!

**Posted by jamieblunt** November 14, 2021 4:29 am

all fair warnings, and stbx will have to get legal advice when it comes to me buying her out of the equity, i think i meant more that my solicitor can do the heavy lifting all the while its 50/50 uncontested, we are splitting the cost of this as well so its not like i am paying for the whole thing.

**Posted by jamieblunt** November 15, 2021 3:01 am

Fairly angry/resentful this morning, stbx came home from her big gay weekend last night about 9pm, didn't bother to text to say she was on her way or at any of the major changes in her journey because she texted me on friday on her first night away about a trivial matter and i didn't reply so that was her reason not to text about her journey home. The journey texts i expected were only about her safety but anyway, my weekend was ok but seeing her come through the door last night, i just didn't need that, i know who she is but i would rather know that i am on my own with my children having to do everything than have her in the house but barely here in spirit.
This just reinforces that the divorce has to happen even if it means selling the family home.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 15, 2021 8:26 pm

jamieblunt wrote:
...... i know who she is but i would rather know that i am on my own with my children having to do everything than have her in the house but barely here in spirit.
This just reinforces that the divorce has to happen even if it means selling the family home.

When I left my first husband (not gay but a straight, angry, violent man) it didn't take me long to decide that to survive the trauma I had to not focus on him, the fact he was keeping my children from me and that when we divorced I'd get less because he was the breadwinner. It's a mindset. I had to just stop telling myself it was all his fault because who cares if it was his fault...he was out of my life.
Now I know your gay wife is still living in the same house, and that must be so difficult!, but there's a parallel there for you to be strong enough to put her needs/what she does, what she says, how she makes you feel...in a seperate part of your responses. I called mine the "it doesn't matter anymore" response and I'd repeat it to myself when a trigger, big or small, hit me in the gut or the heart. It helped me to quell the sinking feeling of loss I experienced at the beginning of my particular Mindfuck.

My comment might seem a bit random because I've used two r'ships which were both intrinsically different but which both taught me to be stronger than the men who had hurt me

Elle

**Posted by jamieblunt** November 16, 2021 4:44 am

Elle i think you would make a good boxing trainer
i feel like Rocky with Mickey the trainer(you) telling me what to do after Apollo Creed has beaten the crap out of me (if you have never seen Rocky this will make no sense)

your comment makes good reading and in a fashion i have been doing it but as everyone knows its not easy especially when she comes back into my life after being away at one of her lesbian festivals all weekend, whilst my daughter is in different shades of rage at everything, stbx is the only one she lets near to give her a cuddle even though she rages at stbx just as much as me, last night was horrible, my daughter was apoplectic with rage about various stuff (angry at me telling her to do her homework, angry when i offered to help and angry that i walked away when she told me to) apparently she got hit at school and reported it to the teachers so i asked her to tell me about it and she rages at me to go away and then she rages at me some more as again i did what she asks, so i cant win.
Then me and stbx have a medium row as she wanted her to go on calming meds years ago and i stopped her "as she has been like this for three years" which is not true her rage has only really manifested in the last six months before stbx came out but well into her 2021 of ignoring me and leaving me to be the sole parent, so i tell stbx to start acting like a mother and eventually she did, she hugged daughter until she was calm something i just cant do at the moment because the daughter wants me nowhere near her.
the female element of my family are literally tag teaming me into oblivion at the moment.

However the patent Elle ear slap is very good for me, i need to make more space in my brain for daughter and far less for stbx.
Thanks coach!
ding ding round 12...

**Posted by Gloria** November 16, 2021 8:40 am

So sorry for your trouble with the lesbian and the daughter.

**Posted by jamieblunt** November 16, 2021 10:03 am

Lily/Daryl i voiced your concerns to my solicitor about stbx not engaging legal representation and she was not too concerned as any and all communication from her to stbx will be framed in such a way as to encourage her to get representation and if she does not that is her issue and once the divorce/financials are done and sealed there is no recourse, i am staying away from the technicalities as i didn't go to law school and we are paying 2.5k for this divorce so its up to them to keep me safe, and i have the emails to prove i have asked the question with a reply so i have evidence if the legal people muff up i have recourse back to them.
so thanks both for the "wing person" work much appreciated

**Posted by walkbymyself** November 16, 2021 10:44 am

jamieblunt: Cut your daughter a little slack here. The things she says she's angry about, might not be the things she's really angry about. She may be raging at you because you're the "safe" parent (I had to learn this the hard way). She very well might know she's being unfair to you, which feeds into the rage cycle itself because she gets angry at herself.