Hello,
I’m a 28yr old male married with a 27yr female. We have been together since high school and have been together for a total of 20 years and we just got married this year two months ago. We have two kids a second grader and kindergartner. Our relationship is like every other where it has its ups and downs. I’m no saint, I went a good couple of years focusing on school and work to provide for my family that I essentially stopped loving my now wife. I love her with all my heart, but I never showed it to her according to her and that’s fair. My wife came out a month into our marriage that she is pansexual. I was so understanding and accepted her but something was off. I figured something was going on because prior to us getting married she would hangout more often with my best man’s sister who is lesbian. Hanging out with her wasn’t the issue. On our honeymoon I saw very flirty text messages to the point that they were sexting each other. My wife has never been that person to sext or send naughty pictures until this year. This was devastating to me because of how easy it was for her to do that when we talked about this for years. According to her, she hasn’t physically cheated so no kissing or the deed. We have been speaking about her sexuality more and everyday since then she finds out something new. She is more sexually attracted to woman than she would like to admit. She doesn’t find the sex with me disgusting like most lesbians which is why she says she’s pan, but she does say sex is just that: sex. She is so scared to lose not just me but her family. I hate it when she starts finding out new things about herself that she quickly tries to reassure she isn’t leaving and makes statements like “I can’t leave I can put these feelings away.” I tell her you can’t fake it til you make it. She will be unhappy and resent herself as well as me later on for her to just leave what when the kids are out of school? I keep asking her are you sure you aren’t just lesbian and are afraid to admit it because you know it means we can’t be together so you use pansexual as a term to keep you from admitting the truth? I know I can leave at any point but I promised her I would be there for her through all of this even if it means the end of our relationship. Another thing that’s stopping her is her knowing that if she is gayer than she thinks, she will pursue a relationship with the girl I mentioned above and she knows I couldn’t be fully friends with her if that’s the case. Can you blame me? Seeing her end up with the girl she essentially cheated on me with? I told her if we end, I would need time to heal. Yes we have kids together and I would want nothing more than to be great coparents but she can’t expect me to always be with her while she is with someone else. I’m posting this just for advice or guidance because no one I know has gone through this. I’m holding it together everyday because it just seems like this is going to end. How do you go find something you already found? Even if there’s a small chance she can still be with me I don’t see it. I just want her to be happy with herself even if it means my happiness gets hurt in the process.