I’m a couple years out and nowhere near having my life back on track yet.  And the victimhood thing comes and goes for me. 

I know I’m strong.  There is no other way I could have survived the abusive patterns I put up with for so long if I was not strong.  But then it doesn’t take much to trigger me anymore.  I’m not as immune anymore as I used to be. So, I get triggered relatively easily nowadays - it could be something as simple as the way a news story about an lgbtq person is written - that can send me into a victimhood spiral.

Today happens to be a really bad day for me, and I’m back in bed at the moment at almost noon and I’m on this board instead of getting work done.

It comes and goes.

I used to. Because I thought I had no options, no resources... No power.

I now have all 3

Elle

Momoftwo, that sounds just tragic, and a funeral that should have been a comfort in your grief turned into another hearbreaking trauma for you. 

Some counselling or therapy might help you to work through your many years of sorrow and your current bereavement. Talking to trusted family or friends can also be helpful.  I'm a Catholic too and found therapy incredibly helpful by allowing me to voice how I really felt and to express sorrow and anger and pain without judgement.   

It is not the case for everyone, but I found my parish priests (younger men) incredibly supportive, sensible and wise during my separation and divorce from my abusive closeted gay husband 5 years ago.

I did a Grief to Grace retreat a few years ago too.  http://grief-to-grace-lsi.squarespace.com/  It was a most extraordinary soul-deep experience that I can recommend for helping to reveal and heal unresolved and unacknowledged trauma.

There is so much to work through but it is possible even after a long, painful and difficult marriage to find peace and build a new life for yourself. Time and space, good support and kindness to yourself all help.

I started praying parts of the daily Prayer of the Church (Divine Office) using the Universalis app on my phone and found the Psalms really spoke to my broken and grieving heart. Feeling like millions of other people were praying with and for me was also very comforting and eased the loneliness.

Our faith has a lot to offer in terms of comfort - even at the basic level of knowing that you are walking the path with Jesus who has experienced everything we are going through.  He KNOWS. The loneliness, feeling utterly broken, being abandoned and rejected by people you love, devastating grief, betrayal, searing disappointment, fear, loss, anger, public humiliation.  He gets it even if no-one else seems to. Talk to Him too, and frequent the Sacraments. Confession and Holy Communion are so comforting and healing and grounding, and full of hope. Also the sacrament of anointing of the sick is not just for the dying - it is for all suffering whether mental or physical.  I found it very healing and a great bringer of peace.

((Hugs)) and prayers. You will find healing, strength and a new, peaceful and happier life.

Last edited by Soaplife (October 31, 2021 1:24 am)

StraightBiRelationship wrote:

I don’t know how to word this out, but my story is too long and fresh to enter into now. I do have some questions, maybe some of you can answer. I feel as though I am making progress, but all of a sudden I feel like a victim again. I get upset, asking questions like why me? Why did I allow this? And the overwhelming feeling of feeling alone. I feel as though I am drowning in my own emotions. The worst part is to trust someone again. Believe there are good people out there and my mister right. Everywhere I go I look for signs of gayness in someone. I interpret them. How they talk, walk and so on. Before when I was younger and didn’t know, I would do the same, but not obsess. Just be like, oh he is so gay. Now, I don’t know who to trust. The worst is the feeling of loneliness.

StraightBiRelationship-
I want to remind you that you did not ‘allow this’. Being deceived by someone is not your fault. That said, I completely relate to the feelings of being a victim and of loneliness. But the fact is that we ARE victims and it will take us time to learn to deal with that fact and move forward. But that will never change the fact that we are victims. As for the loneliness, I have been talking with my therapist about it and trying to figure out how to cope. I’m not sure if our loneliness is more pronounced right now because of our situations, and if as we learn to move forward maybe it will get better. I wish you the best.

".it may be too soon but i have got myself out there again (virtually) and am starting to speak to ladies again (virtually for now) ..."

Yes its too soon as you are seeing and not fair to anyone you meet.    You are not wrong per se..   what you are seeing is that there are many nice, normal people out there..  and  you are seeing the stark contrast to what your wife has made your relationship to be...  one where  they are not really that nice or "all in".. one where intimacy is doled out sparingly..an unkindness and dysfunction that you couldn't quite put your finger on but now you see..  For me I did not have to go online..just talking to say cashier in the supermarket showed me how nice other people were and how unkind my then STDX was.. Anyone was nicer than her.    Like you I did not want to waste one more second investing in someone that lied and hurt me...   but..

 But sometimes, for a temporary time, we need to be the lone wolf.   Its a time of reflection to get to know yourself and a time to stoically exit the closet with honor and  pride..  To me it was sort of like graduation.. not from the end of my marriage but from a non-heterosexual relationship.  It was pomp and circumstance. The future unknown but wide open.   That maybe, someday  I could have a normal relationship.      Only sometime after I was divorced and on my own did I decide I was ok to talk to woman.   Just seemed right
and ok..to be untraumtized etc.   That and the woman I spoke with were also on their own and not in the middle of a divorce..   nothing more attractive, to me ,then a divorced woman raising her kids on her own..
To me, having been through this, it shows strength, courage and integrity.

Don't be afraid of being alone.. alone is ok.  Alone away from the hurt and abuse is peaceful and strengthening.