You always did have a right to know.  He never should have been hiding things from you.  He shouldn't have a box of condoms or the dildo behind your back.

but he has been doing this.  Now he leaves stuff lying around and when you don't say anything he wants to start a conversation - why now?  what's changed for him?  It could be that he has a boyfriend, but it could be as simple as he's bored and he wants a bit of fun baiting you.

why not find out what he wants first - you can always go and get the condoms and put them on the table.  

He tells you he wants a conversation and then he leaves you to stew.  my suggestion is to hold your ground, make him open the conversation and don't help him, try to remain silent for a bit, see what he says.  

Well ladies I listened to your wise advice. His conversation with me yesterday afternoon had nothing to do with any of the things I have discovered. Nothing.

He wanted to discuss how much longer our daughter might be staying with us. She moved in at the start of the pandemic, she found it all too much to manage on her own and she was lonely and feeling a bit scared living alone. She asked to moved back home. Her father and I both agreed at the time it was a wise decision. Now he wants to know when she will be moving out again. She is not moving out, not until this pandemic is well behind us. 

I was very, very upset with him yesterday afternoon when I found out what it was in fact what he wanted to discuss. I lost it and started crying and left him standing there. It was too much.

So, in many ways, I am glad I followed your advice, but I’m no further ahead, to getting to an honest discussion with him. 

Any other advice, how do you ever resolve any of this? If, we do not bring it up? I’m feeling so confused, never in my life have I felt so much confusion.

I truly thank all of you

Wilted,
   If you wish to let him know what you've found, then let him know.  Tell him you wish to have a conversation with HIM.  However, you should be very clear with yourself about your reasons for this conversation.  You need to think through your motivations, his possible reactions, and your response. 

   If you are seeking clarity or an admission, you are unlikely to get it. 

   If you simply wish to let him know that you are aware he is engaging in homosexuality activity, you should be ready for a denial. 

   AND, you should be clear with yourself about your course of action depending on the answer he gives you.

   If he denies he is fucking men, or gives you a gaslighting answer like "it's for masturbation," or blameshifts ("I do this because you are not giving me what I need...or...our daughter's presence at home is sexually inhibiting"--or any other bullshit reason), what will be your response?  

  Are you ready to end your marriage?  Then you will have to say so: "I discovered these things.  They are indications of homosexual interest and activity.  I do not wish to continue to be married to someone engaging in such behavior.  I will be seeing a lawyer to end our marriage, and you and I need to make arrangements to live separately." 

  Do you want to lay out marriage counseling as a requirement?  Then it's "I discovered these things.  I don't know if you are bixexual or whether you are a homosexual hiding in a marriage (and maybe from yourself), but I cannot and will not stay in such a marriage unless you agree to joint counseling, with the aim of setting out parameters for us to decide whether we can stay married." 

Whatever it is, your boundaries should be clear to you, clearly conveyed to him.  You should also think through what your response will be if he refuses to adhere to your boundary.  

 Also: there is another option, and that is, this: You found evidence that he is engaging in homosexual behavior.  He's using those condoms and that dildo.  If being married to a man who engages in that behavior is not acceptable to you, cut to the chase of the end game and go see a lawyer and start preparing to serve him with divorce papers.  Then serve them. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 23, 2021 8:56 am)

Hi Wilted, yes, feeling confused is distressing - it's a bit like being seasick, it will settle when you are on solid ground.  sounds like you have been gaslighted.  hugs.

weeding the lies out - it takes a while.  The urge for an honest conversation - why would you think you are going to get an honest conversation from the person who has been consistently dishonest?  well, why wouldn't you expect an honest conversation from the man you loved when you need it?

see what I mean?  the confusion stems from the fact that he has been lying about himself all along.  The man you loved was a crafted facade.  The underlying reality is having a condom crisis by the sound of it.  If Daryl is right, and the presence of your daughter is hampering his nocturnal activities that also might account for the things turning up in odd places.  Has the box of condoms disappeared yet?

I'm so glad you have your daughter there with you.  

It's not the performer you want to confront, it's the reality of the man behind it that you need to face.  And that is as simple as taking a step back in your interaction and just observing him.  What does he want, what is he trying to get you to do.  And this is what is happening for you now - take it one step at a time.  gut feeling, what do you want.



 

I can’t believe what’s happening in my life, in my home. I’m totally destroyed.

I need to process all of this and I’m not sure ehere to even start.

I will be seeking therapy, as a first, I definetly need to unload everything that is running through my mind non-stop. I will also be seeking legal counsel. I wish I could write more to thank all of you properly, but I just can’t.

Long way home, I’ve started watching, it resonates so much, it’s destroying me just watching it all. But I know I need to take my blinders off.

Thank you to each and everyone of you for all of your help. I’m just feeling really lost at the moment for any other words.

Wilted,