In my opinion, you don't have the conversation until you are ready for it. Ready is your definition, but I think it means you are confident in what you know, or deduce, and are certain about what is acceptable and not acceptable to you as part of a relationship. Some of us have had partners who are masters at word salad and truth spinning. You should plan on what your response will be for the various possible answers that might be proffered.

I don't see why you shouldn't ask about the bag. You saw it. Sure, he moved it somewhere, but that changes nothing. It exists. Speaking of which, does he disappear at times or travel alone? Is there a gym he often goes to? Is the trunk of the car off-limits to you? Other potentially red-flag behaviour?

Things may be tricky with your daughter. They can be great supports but you also don't want to make them feel like they must pick a side.

Have you looked into the possibility of any personal counseling? It may help you with the physical impacts of all this. It's normal to be confused. Moving too fast is not advisable, but neither is immobility. Small steps when big ones are not possible.
 

I really want to thank everyone again. I slept a bit last night, not much, but it did helped me gain a bit more perspective this morning. My heart is still beating wildly all the time though, I feel like I can hear my heart just bounding in my chest.

Today, my husband is at work. Im really hoping I can calm down enough to allow me to think clearly. I need to be able to think, but my emotions are so high, all I end doing is bursting into tears and I cannot focus on anything else.

I need to figure out how I’m going to have this discussion with him. I’m not the type of person who usually sits and waits long before I take action and I’ve already been sitting on the porn issue much longer than I normally would, for reasons previously explained.

That I am accidentally continuing to find these types of items is alarming to me.

Daryl, I have to mention, after reading your response, I am going to postponed my usual no BS approach discussions and wait till I am more confident, not only in myself, but the entire situation that seems to be unravelling before my eyes.

You raised some very interesting points in your post for me. It’s not only the trunk of a car that is not accessible to me, it’s an entire car. He has been working on this old car for the last four summers. I have not seen any progress being made on this old car. This past summer was suppose to be his final attempt at fixing the car, next to nothing was done.

Similarly, I have an entire garage that is also very much off limits to me, vast majority of time. You have no idea how much this irks me to no end. All of my gardening tools and material are stored in that garage. I can never even enter this garage most times because he leaves all sorts of big tools lying around, it’s a huge mess in there, same kind of mess as the interior of that old car.

In terms of discussing this issue with my daughter, I have no plans on discussing anything with her at this point in time. Although I am very close to my daughter and I know she feels very much the same with me, she is also very much daddy’s little girl too.

I can never thank all of you enough for all of your thoughtful responses and helpful advice. I’m going to try and think some of this out on my own first before taking any further steps. I’ve never been to therapy in my life, I have no idea what that might look like, but I will certainly keep it in mind. Everything is swimming for me at the moment still. Thank you.

lily wrote:

....I don't want to worry you, as we all know our hearts beat more strongly when we are alarmed, but I am hoping you will listen to my suggestion to book in and go for a general check up with your doctor. 

I thought the exact same thing Lily. 
Wilted.....get thee to a doc

Elle
 

Wiltedflower: when I was in your situation, it literally took me months to gather my composure to talk to my husband.  And, I know exactly what you mean about your heart pounding.  My heart was pounding, my ears were ringing, and there were black splotches in my vision.  I felt as if no matter how much air I gulped, there was no oxygen in it.  I later learned these are symptoms of shock.

So I knew that my husband would only confess to as much as he'd been caught at.  I also didn't want to "ask" so much as I just wanted to state things up front.  For example, you want to know whether you should ask him why he has a box of condoms.  Does it really matter what his answer is?  Same goes for his strap-on.  Same goes for his gay porn.

You could sit him down, look him straight in the eye, and tell him "This is as much my house as anyone's.  You are not to watch gay porn in my home, ever again.  You are to remove from my home anything you mistakenly believe you've successfully  hidden from me, because in my home every room, including the garage and the closets, will be open to me.  I will not be made to feel like a trespasser in my own home."

The point is, there's nothing to be gained by asking him to explain.  There's nothing he can say to make things better, but there are around a million things he can say to make YOU feel worse.  

In my case, I didn't know what my next step would be.  People who were around this site back then can tell you: I rigorously resisted the idea that I would have to get a divorce.  But, taking that time to really think allowed me to lay down my conditions: that our daughter would have to be told, and that I was not going to be lied to in my own house.  It made it easier for me to recognize when that line was crossed, that it was time to end the marriage.

Last edited by walkbymyself (October 19, 2021 1:50 pm)

Hello,

I’ve made a little bit of progress in the last couple of days in terms of managing my strong emotions.

Just when I’m beginning to regain a bit of myself, yesterday my husband informed me that he would be finishing work early today and he had something he wanted to talk to me about this afternoon. I’m expecting him to arrive home around 1pm.

I tried asking him what he wanted to discuss with me, he just replied it’s better if we have this discussion this afternoon.

I tell you, at this point, I’m tempted to have that  box of condom sitting on the dinning room table, just waiting for him when he arrives home. I want  to have a discussion, very much.

So, hopefully I will have some honest answers by late this afternoon. Any discussion at this point, is better than what I’ve living with. I just want to know what is really going on, I want him to tell me the truth.

Last edited by Wiltedflower (October 22, 2021 7:59 am)