Posted by Imjustangry  October 14, 2021 8:30 pm | #1 |
Mindfuck. I saw that on one of these forms and that’s completely how I feel. I was not married to my ex but I hope that doesn’t lessen my story or feelings.
We were together for almost 9 years, since high school. My best friend, the love of my life I thought. He tried to make things work and I don’t even know where to start.
When he told me we was bi with more gay leanings I was hurt but still supportive. Told him I thought everyone was a little gay, some more so than others.
We got engaged at the end of 2020 but only for a few months, he suffered from OCD and was finally seeking treatment through medications. The first one was Prozac which made him more and more what I would call manic, during the peak he spilled everything and I gave the ring back. He felt it was best to let me go.
During that time I would describe myself as devastated and now realizing I was going through a “fawn” response(would suggest looking into it). We were living on our own and in his manic state he was feeling suicidal so for his safety he moved back home and wanted me with him during this time so I gave up just about everything to go with him because I stilled care.
Once his doctor switched his medication and was stable again he told me he really loved me and felt like he was making the biggest mistake of his life losing me.
I felt like he had destroyed the future I was so set for, ready for. I had agreed under the condition that this was what he wanted and he was making this decision for himself and that he wanted me cause I didn’t want to go through this again. I had told him now this is the time to explore while we were separated (I was still living with him and his family to still support him and his mom as she was going through chemo for breast cancer).
But he said he wanted commit and not lose me.
Day by day it was hard to give that trust that he had broken back. But day by day I felt him pushing away but pulling enough to glue together what was broken. Him bringing up marriage and never giving up on the wedding that was set for our 10 year anniversary, talking about starting a family.
The day before he broke my heart for the second time he asked about an open relationship which I was against. He tried telling me he was just asking out of curiosity since we’ve been together since high school and never got to explore but he didn’t want to do anything to lose me or our relationship.
The next day he dropped the bomb. He wanted to split because he was predominantly gay and didn’t want to hurt me or hurt me more.
I just left, 2am crying and hyperventilating to my moms house. She doesn’t even know anything about him coming out and honestly I’m ashamed on my end to even tell her everything.
My life is upside down and I’m terrified of the future never being alone like this. Without him
I’m so all over the place, mad one second, crying the next, then somewhat fine.
Mindfucked. The perfect word for how I feel.
***hope this came out as I attended, I cried writing this and don’t want to cry again rereading this**
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz October 14, 2021 9:32 pm | #2 |
Imjustangry wrote:
Mindfuck. I saw that on one of these forms and that’s completely how I feel....
***hope this came out as I attended, I cried writing this and don’t want to cry again rereading this**
Hey Angry 
the Straightspouse Forum welcomes you. You'll cry again honey, I hate to say it but to get through this you'll have to feel it... All of it. And it hurts. But you'll find yourself again when you are through it.
How did your mother react when you told her about your partner?
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Imjustangry October 14, 2021 9:36 pm | #3 |
Mindfuck. I saw that on one of these forms and that’s completely how I feel....
***hope this came out as I attended, I cried writing this and don’t want to cry again rereading this**Hey Angry
How did your mother react when you told her about your partner?
Elle
My mother still doesn’t know about him feeling/being gay but she was utterly furious knowing my own hardship and him wanting to in my words explore since we never did.
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Posted by Daryl October 14, 2021 9:43 pm | #4 |
Many of us can relate to this. And to answer your first question, being married isn't a prerequisite to being here. Nor does it deny any validity to what you are going through. Nine years together is a long time, married or otherwise. Take some time to take care of yourself. You do not need to make any big decisions immediately. Allow yourself some latitude to grieve. Do not regret your choice that an open relationship was not for you. Once you start compromising your core principles, I feel it only leads to a spiral of further damage and additional compromises. If you haven't seen it yet, there's a pinned post in the General Section called the 1st Aid Kit. It's a great collection of wisdom compiled from our own experiences. Some of its statements will likely resonate with you.
Please know it does get better in time. Post as much as you need to.
Be well.
Last edited by Daryl (October 14, 2021 9:44 pm)
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz October 14, 2021 9:48 pm | #5 |
"My mother still doesn’t know about him"
I know I would have found it difficult to tell my own mother the truth about the man she thought was so wonderful..so I can understand any hesitancy you feel but I know for sure how good it felt when I wasn't the only person who knew his secret. I told a counselor first, then 3 of my adult children, then a friend. They are all people I trust and I know have my back
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Imjustangry October 14, 2021 9:56 pm | #6 |
"My mother still doesn’t know about him"
I know I would have found it difficult to tell my own mother the truth about the man she thought was so wonderful..so I can understand any hesitancy you feel but I know for sure how good it felt when I wasn't the only person who knew his secret. I told a counselor first, then 3 of my adult children, then a friend. They are all people I trust and I know have my back
My mom didn’t even like him that much in all honesty. He wasn’t her ideal manly man which I think are a bit old fashion given our age and today’s age. My best friend knows everything and she’s even angry and wants me to stay angry because she hates seeing me cry.
He’s never been with a man but feels strongly gay, says I showed him his “heterosexual potential” because even though he noticed men over women he’s always noticed me. I don’t know how to wrap my brain around it much less be honest with others.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz October 15, 2021 1:40 am | #7 |
.....My best friend knows everything and she’s even angry and wants me to stay angry because she hates seeing me cry......
He’s never been with a man......
I don’t know how to wrap my brain around it much less be honest with others.
My oldest friend, who I told, was angry as! and wanted me to leave him right then/that very moment/rip that bandaid off! She's single, independent and was incensed lol but I wasn't ready..still not ready.
My partner says he's never been with a man either but that's not the point is it? This is not something I want in my life and honestly I no longer trust him to tell me his truth.
Angry you wrap your head around it at your own pace. Are you still having sex? If you are you might think about being tested for STIs. Keep posting here. We're listening/reading
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Soaplife October 15, 2021 1:41 am | #8 |
Angry, let yourself feel whatever you feel. The betrayal is real and it is normal to be a mess of emotion on discovery.
But don't go back to him ever again. Cut off all contact. These people will keep you on a string as long as you let them. You are angry because somewhere deep inside you know you are being played.
See how he tried you out with suggesting an open relationship? When you didn't bite he switched to keeping alive the wedding and children dream, then said you were so special that he, a gay man, noticed you. See the strings? Its very manipulative, and not about you at all but about him getting what he wants.
Its all about keeping centrality with their drama. Like a long running soap opera where each episode ends with a hook to keep you coming back for more - even when you KNOW its rubbish.
No contact is the best medicine. Then you can grieve the loss of what you thought you had and hopefully in time become a you happy to be single but free to find a healthier relationship with a straight man if that is what you want.
Its tough in the beginning but worth it to get really free.
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Posted by jamieblunt October 16, 2021 12:15 pm | #9 |
I felt like he had destroyed the future I was so set for,
This is exactly how i am feeling after my wife came out as bi back in August but now feels she is lesbian, we moved to our "home to retire into" two years ago and had plans to pay the mortgage off in 10. All of this is now in doubt. We have been married for 20 years with two children, if it wasn't for the children i think i would already be gone, i'm 48 and know i could make a good fist of the rest of my life on my own but i wont let whatever journey she is now on take away my rights to wake up in the same house as my children everyday, i have six years until the youngest is an adult. This year i have been pretty much the sole parent as she grapples with depression and her sexuality and it is so hard having her in the house when she contributes very little to the family, dont get me wrong she has been and will be a brilliant mother but at the moment she is so lost i have no choice to be at home for the children and her, sadly though and i have said this to her it would almost be better for me if she wasn't at home as then at least i wouldn't have to see her getting excited about going out to meet her new friends or go to a night club and getting ready and leaving.
we were chatting yesterday and i asked her what was the most important thing in her life, i expected her to say "the chldren" but she couldn't answer it, i know they are her world so i know she is very lost, how can i walk out on her and the children and leave them with an adult who is entirely lost at sea" we have not been intimate for a year and the thought of having to deal with this longer term without having the person i live with not wanting me anywhere near them provides all the negative emotions i can think of.
i dont have any good advice as this is all very new to me(although i have made plans for myself but they are mid-long term ones but in the short term i have to take this on the chin for the children), but i guess what i am saying is i feel your pain.
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Posted by Rob October 17, 2021 8:17 am | #10 |
Jamieblunt,
I was devastated about the future also..but I realized that I was not in my GXs plans for the future.
Years away from her now my future plans are simply different..she is not part of my plans but my kids, family and friends are. Where I live and where I go to retire remain an open book. I find it priceless to go into these years by myself or with people by my side that truly love me and not someone that would leave me to be with someone else.
Our future is unwritten and I find it simply different than what was planned in the past...so much better I can see it now.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
