OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Just Joined and am in some serious need of help

**Posted by JillD** October 10, 2021 5:45 pm

Sorry for the bullet points, but it easier for me
- I am one month since finding out about my husband
- he was my 8th grade boyfriend and we reconnected after 35 years ( Best story ever)
- for the last 5 years he has been my best friend and lover, never in a million years would i have ever imagined
- apparently he thinks he wants to be a women and has struggled with this since he was 7?
- cross dresses and calls himself by his first wife's name, or himself depending
- has a storage locker that he goes to when he travels for work 2 to 3 nights a week
- is on TS Dating and has 26 picture of himself posted as both Tim and Jane- some pornographic for the whole internet to see
- he hosts men in his hotel while on his business trips
- and takes pictures of all of it!!!!!!!!!!!! Its full on Porn
- then they email the next and disucss it in detail and share the photos
- he gave me his OLD computer and didn't know his icloud still downloaded to it, i have seen over 500 pictures
- he asks these men, if they would like him to come as Tim or Jane, so clearly it is not all about Transgender

Never in Million Years did anyone have any suspicions- how do I ever get this out of my head
He was out of town when I found all of this and lied every time i found something new. His belonging were on the sidewalk and locks were changed before he could get back.

Liar, Narcissist, Psychopath, Deviant , what other words can I use

Last edited by JillD (October 10, 2021 5:47 pm)

**Posted by lasagne** October 10, 2021 6:28 pm

So sorry you are experiencing this.... your story sounds familiar. ❤️

**Posted by Daryl** October 10, 2021 6:37 pm

Hi Jill, that's a shock to have dropped into your lap. Also quite fast action to remove him from your space.

Have you told anyone the full story behind what has happened?
You may want to consider some counseling as you've experienced a deep betrayal.
Have you made any decisions on the future of your marriage? I have a feeling you have done so but I'd rather not make any assumptions.

What other words can you use? Whatever ones help, including the non-polite ones. Some here used a journal as a way to work out the trauma.

Post here as often as you need to. One month is early in the journey. Dealing with a narcissist is never easy.

Be well.

**Posted by Lynne** October 10, 2021 6:43 pm

delete.

Last edited by Lynne (July 15, 2022 6:22 pm)

**Posted by JillD** October 10, 2021 7:57 pm

thank you !!! I need to keep hearing it. I have told all of my friends and family, and told his sister in law. He told met with them and told them about his struggles.... I wanted at least one person to know the real story.

Yes this whole PC culture makes questioning this and not agreeing, makes us "phobes". I thought alot about that last night. I do not have a have a phobia of gay or trans. I have friends that i accept and do not even think twice about. This story is one of an absolute lying asshole with a sex addiction.

When we met 5 years ago, that should have been the first thing out of his mouth.

Next step is learning to trust again.

Last edited by JillD (October 10, 2021 7:59 pm)

**Posted by JillD** October 10, 2021 8:10 pm

Lucky for me our finances were separate, and he signed the divorce papers and release of a deed with no issues. I quickly called the doctor and everything was negative.

I had the need to talk to him yesterday and that was a disaster. I am hyper focused on the gaslighting. But at this point no need to ever speak to him again. I did look at the pictures tonight. I downloaded to a zip drive in case he disputed the divorce or asked me for anything. I do not think i will destroy but need to remove them from my reach. I saw things i didn't see the first time. He really is sick. I will never understand.

My son deleted his number from my phone and blocked everything. Now its like dealing with a death.

**Posted by Soaplife** October 10, 2021 8:21 pm

Jill what a shock. Great work getting him and his belongings out of your house. It will take a bit longer to get him out of your head but hopefully not too long.

Along with all the other good suggestions already made, i would add go no contact with him. Block him from your phone, email and all social media, and cut or minimise contact with his family. Don't let anyone persuade you that he deserves a chance to explain - he's a cheating liar who you owe nothing.

And ... hate to say it but see your doctor and get tested for STIs if you haven't already. Sigh.

The anger does lessen with time. I'm so sorry he deceived you.

**Posted by Soaplife** October 10, 2021 8:36 pm

Jill, you are doing all the right things. Give yourself some time to grieve who you thought he was and the dream he sold you. But don't get caught grieving the real guy - the one who lied his way into a relationship fully intending to keep lying and cheating and endangering your health. That creep deserves nothing.

I'm so glad you have friends and family who love and support you - (and a lovely caring son to do the techie stuff) to help you heal and move on.

Last edited by Soaplife (October 10, 2021 8:45 pm)

**Posted by JillD** October 10, 2021 8:56 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlvZT5Q1YG8&ab_channel=REZZVEVO
every word of this song is my life, maybe will help you all also. Guess we really are not alone

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 10, 2021 9:14 pm

JillD wrote:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlvZT5Q1YG8&ab_channel=REZZVEVO
every word of this song is my life, maybe will help you all also. Guess we really are not alone

Oh ho.....love this!. The beat. The lyrics