MJM-

So you can relate to the devastating loneliness of being in a ‘marriage’ with absolutely no physical affection, not even a hug, and the feeling that you are living with a roommate, not a spouse. I am truly sorry that you can relate to that. I am certain that like me, you cried yourself to sleep in the same bed many nights just longing for some reassurance that you were a person deserving of love and affection.

I made the wrong choice to stay for two reasons - I believed at the time that he was a good father and I never believed he would cheat on me. I see now that although he did a lot of good things for our daughter, that he also -  probably subconsciously - tried to brainwash her into always choosing him before any other individual to assuage his own insecurity.  As for the cheating u believe it has happened before, and likely is what triggered his abrupt ‘loss of sex drive’. He denies it of course.

He said this week the only time he was ever happy was when our daughter was born. But we ALL struggle with mental illness. I was on disability for depression for 7 years! But during that time I forced myself in to treatment, was honest with my loved ones about what I was going through, and worked part time to supplement the disability income. My point is I have had more unhappy days than happy ones, but I never would have retreated in to a dark hole and let myself decline so badly that I would make a selfish, devastating choice like he did. There are lots of people in in-patient psychiatric care and I am guessing that the vast majority of them would not do so either.

STBX still claims he ‘doesn’t know why’ in response to all of our questions. I simply hope he is being honest about doing weekly therapy and working on figuring out the ‘why’. He needs to fix himself.

Unfortunately my years on disability as the family’s income earner destroyed us financially. I make a decent salary now but it is a paycheck to paycheck existence. And now I will be forced to give him nearly half and make a drastic change to my living arrangement. I have to believe it will be worth it to be free of the deception and hypocrisy of my marriage.

MJM I hope that you have been able to find happiness which I know you deserve after years of deceit as well. Thanks so much for your support.

Hello Can't_make
I was in a relationship with my GH for 30 years and I too did not have much intimacy.

I want to jump in to say that I'm in the process now of divorce through mediation after taking about a year to collect documentation & do research. I would definitely talk to a lawyer before you Dissolve the marriage vs getting a Divorce vs Mediation. I'm not sure if there is a benefit to you or not as the primary money maker.

Mediating a divorce vs dissolving may be in your favor. Again, a lawyer could help you with this. I'm choosing mediation #1 because of the cost #2 because I can use his sexuality & manipulation as leverage. He is still closeted and does not want to be outed. Going before a judge and explaining himself to a court full of people is NOT something he would want to do... Me telling his family is NOT something he would want me to do... Mediation is private and does not go on public record (benefit for him, aka leverage) & can not be appealed.

I'm thinking this might be a way for you NOT to have to give him half of everything. My state is no fault so everything has to be split 50/50 but I'll be working with my lawyer to present a settlement in mediation that will hopefully work out in my favor. There are ways to "equalize" our assets without splitting everything, which is what a judge would order.

Another thing to look into is covert narcissism. That was helpful for me mentally; to understand how I was manipulated all these years and how I might be able to regain some control.

Lastly, try to go no contact as much as you can at this point and start working on your case. Don't risk giving him anything he can use against you or insight into what you are thinking.

Mediating with a Narcissist:



Sorry, you are going through this. It's very difficult.
Broom

Last edited by broomhilda2 (September 18, 2021 2:11 pm)