OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / IS HE IN DENIAL????

**Posted by Star33** July 31, 2021 2:33 pm

HELLO IM NEW HERE I JUST RECENTLY GOT MARRIED AND I KNEW ABOUT HIM CROSSDRESSING SOMETIMES AND HE CLAIMS HES BISEXUAL AND THAT HES DONE BEEN WITH GUYS AND THAT GUYS DONT TURN HIM ON BUT IVE CAUGHT HIM WATCHING TRANS PORN BEFORE HE USES TOYS AND IM JUST WORRIED I GUESS THAT HES IN DENIAL AND YEARS LATER HES GONNA COME TO TERMS WITH IT DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADVICE ?

**Posted by Abby** July 31, 2021 3:06 pm

You asked for advice so I'll give it: consult an attorney where you live to find out what you need to do to get out of this marriage. If this is what he is like at the beginning - the honeymoon period - the future does not look promising.

Whatever he is he isn't for you.

**Posted by Daryl** July 31, 2021 4:40 pm

No one here can say what your future holds, with any certainty. There are many questions I think you should ask. Did you confront him about his porn use? Does it seem to be a habit? Is he being dishonest about his activities? Do you think he might be using you as a cover or as a way to gain children? Are you feeling neglected or used? What are you comfortable with and where's the line? It might help to try to view this from a perspective outside your own life. If it were your best friend in this situation, what would you think? What advice would you offer? I believe marriages require trust, commitment, honesty and two people working in concert towards the same goals. Do you think you have that?

Last edited by Daryl (July 31, 2021 4:41 pm)

**Posted by Star33** July 31, 2021 10:50 pm

thank you everyone for your advice he has been almost completly upfront and honest about everything, even when i found out about the porn he confessed. He doesnt do me wrong at all that im aware of trust me ive done tried everything from nanny cams to spy apps. maybe what im stressing over is I think hes in questioning, because he steals my lingerie and doesnt return them and hides them and when I ask him about the whole situation he just kinda shrugs it off like he doesnt know why he likes doing these things he thinks it just the whole anal thing he likes about it. Im totally new to all of this

**Posted by Daryl** July 31, 2021 11:31 pm

So how do you feel about the whole thing? The cross-dressing, trans porn, missing lingerie, as it sounds like this is a private aspect of his life. What happens if he escalates and decides he wants to be female? Are you planning children? Would that potentially trap you if he declared an intention to transition while you have an infant or small child to care for? Not saying this will happen but you need to consider the possibilities and what your different options might be.

**Posted by Soaplife** August 1, 2021 12:16 am

Star, it really is about what YOU want now. What is acceptable to you? What are your dealbreakers? You don't control him but you can control you.

He's shown you who he is and what he's into. Now its up to you to decide what you want to do about that. You obviously don't trust him, if you are using secret cams to monitor him.

And wow, no boundaries. How very creepy and disrespectful of him, stealing your lingerie and hiding it. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

... get tested for STIs. Just in case

Last edited by Soaplife (August 1, 2021 2:16 am)

**Posted by newtotheclub** August 1, 2021 8:23 am

Soaplife wrote:
Star, it really is about what YOU want now. What is acceptable to you? What are your dealbreakers? You don't control him but you can control you.

Star, Soaplife is spot on, My GH deceived me….if ai had half the information you have I would not stay in a relationship with someone because that is not the life partner I want and need. I received TGT 21 years after married and he knew at 17 years old.

No one can say what is right for you, based on my own bias I would say get out now…your gut is never wrong and do not ignore the red flags….Steve Harvey said in one episode- do not get into the habit of collecting red flags. .

Take care of your health and make time to do things that make you feel good.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** August 1, 2021 2:06 pm

Star33 wrote:
....he has been almost completly upfront and honest..... he confessed. He doesnt do me wrong at all ......he steals my lingerie..... he just kinda shrugs it off....he thinks it just the whole anal thing he likes about it. Im totally new to all of this

Star... You talk a lot about him. What about you?
These things he's doing and passing off as "no big thing..." with a shrug, how do you really feel about them?
If he "doesn't do you wrong" how come you're here asking questions? I'll tell you why... It's because your husband will never give you the full answers, and in the process of finding himself (whoever that may end up being) you may very well lose yourself.
Be strong, search deep into yourself. There's no crime in deciding so soon after marrying that you've *both of you* made a mistake. Your husband may be as scared of what's happening as you are but he'll be trying to hide what's happening to him whereas you don't (edited to add) have to

We're here to help

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (August 1, 2021 2:07 pm)

**Posted by lily** August 1, 2021 6:19 pm

Based on what you say in your post your husband is presenting as transgender. I am going to guess he likes to be penetrated anally rather than doing the penetration? if so that makes him a bottom - the submissive partner wanting a dominant male.

There is this thing, I've noticed there are transgender men who want to be in a relationship with a woman. I don't understand what it's about, it's not just social there's an emotional need being met for them but essentially it makes you a bit player in his drama rather than having a starring role in a shared life - like you want in a marriage.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** August 1, 2021 6:49 pm

Cross-dressing or trans-identified men who like to be penetrated anally are fantasizing that they are women being penetrated vaginally. It's very hard to wrap your head around the way such a man experiences his body by re-making it in his mind's eye.

Lily, the psychological literature on trans-identified men identifies two types: those who grow up hyper-feminine and wish to be women in relation to men (they want to be heterosexual women), and those who grow up unremarkably male but discover a sexual excitement with themselves while cross dressed--the object of their sexual desire is themselves as women. These men, although they may wish to be penetrated by a male as the ultimate validation of their woman selves, by and large remain attracted to women, but not longer think of themselves as heterosexual males but lesbian women. You are right in saying that the partners of such men are merely bit players in their dramas.