Posted by Lynne  July 22, 2021 11:39 pm | #11 |
Daryl wrote:
If any of us had an ex or current partner, with enough of a moral compass to feel some remorse at their actions, I doubt they would have put us in these situations to begin with.
That's it. If they were able to feel any guilt or empathy we wouldn't be in this position. They Don't Care. But they do thrive on any attention good or bad, so best not to give them any.
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Posted by Soaplife July 23, 2021 12:12 am | #12 |
Once,
What would be the harm in telling him? It seems like it would make you feel better to get this off your chest. Try to go in as neutral as possible, not angry (even though I understand that you are), and tell him. Is it not safe for you to do so? Would you be putting yourself at risk?
Tangled
This advice is misplaced at best and actually irresponsible and dangerous to suggest to a person who may be in an abusive relationship.
What someone expressing anger in this safe space does not need is advice to act like they are not angry. Anger is the sign that we know we are worth more than the shit we are being handed. Anger is the gut reaction that saves us from people who mistreat us.
Last edited by Soaplife (July 23, 2021 12:23 am)
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Posted by clintonia July 23, 2021 12:56 am | #13 |
I very much empathize with you. Yet beyond this anger at the partner, I still feel at least as suppressed and harmed, ongoing, by the average view in a culture that willingly or intentionally erases, stifles and shuts down the straight people this occurs to with as little consideration, it seems, as the former partner showed. When we express anger and bitterness for being deceived for decades or suggest that someone who identifies as LGBTQ was/is emotionally abusive, it seems nearly impossibly to avoid being labelled a bigot, homophobic, discriminating, and/or viewed as suppressive "diversity" and "humanity". At least that's how I see it. How is erasing straight people whose basic feelings and knowledge of love for decades supportive of humanity or well-being in a broader sense? I think the anger really can't be directed at the individual partner only because it would probably be far easier to recover from this when, across society, as a culture, the psychological devastation done to straight people they knew best is understood, recognized and upheld as much as the LGBTQ person. That would foster equality and truth.
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Posted by onceuponatime July 23, 2021 10:11 am | #14 |
Thanks everybody for your support!
In response to some of your comments, I was not in an abusive relationship. I don't fear any repercussions if I sent him this message.
There are two main reasons that stop me from doing it:
1) We have a son together who's 10. I am trying to be as civil as possible; keeping my son's best interest as a top priority. With every interaction I have with TGH, I try to keep that in mind.
2) Even though I should not care, I still have some consideration for his feelings. He has told me he feels guilty about what he has done to me, but I believe there is no way he can really understand the full impact of his actions/decisions.
Next month will be the 1 yr. anniversary since he first told me of his attraction to men. I just might save it for that occasion.....
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Posted by newtotheclub July 25, 2021 4:18 pm | #15 |
If any of us had an ex or current partner, with enough of a moral compass to feel some remorse at their actions, I doubt they would have put us in these situations to begin with.
The moral compass is something that is very profound. From my new found turmoil, by GH tells me that since I am a women he did not see him speaking to men as disrespectful to me and that I could be certain that he has never flirted with women... i am thinking.. do you listen to yourself because that sounds delusional... and then he and I have very religious parents and one of our friends pastor drinks whiskey and he had told me a few weeks before D Day that he thought that was immoral and bla bla bla and i am like.. who cares??and now I think WFT is wrong with you.. that man is having a drink and you are lying and dragging an innocent person for 27 years, sexting and lying about being gay and watching pornography... like seriously do you even have a compass or what???
Could not agree more with this and the more I find out the more I am blown away about the level of disregard to my life and the double sided morals. I think now like... do you have a personality disorder because nothing you say makes sense?
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Posted by newtotheclub July 25, 2021 4:50 pm | #16 |
Is it a personality disorder....I've turned this question over in mind, I don't know how many times. I'm not sure. I think its all the secrets and lies, underhanded things they do, manipulations galore all to maintain their secret. When they start to act on their sexuality, it goes poof and all the things they continue to do actually ends in a type of self psychological abuse and this is the result, more and more I think this is what happens. Ends up like a personaility disorder.
i have experienced so much lying in the last month that i do not recognize this man. He covered himself and also how can you lie so much and then look at someone in their eyes and own those lies at the expense of that person's happiness. How do you disconnect from the fact that you are preventing someone from living their best life. The one think i told my GH is you knew at 17 and i found out a month ago... i never had the chance to choose... you have taken that from me.... i did not experience authenticity all because you were too afraid to face reality.....and now because i know he is a narcissist he tells me... well it was real to you because you didnt know the truth and i have never experienced feeling that because i was living a lie... and i am like... again we go and make this about you.... so know i should be grateful because i believed your lies and your deceit and you were just sacrificing yourself and now you need the ability to have that true feeling I had... Newsflash....it was not real if you lied the whole way.... Honestly i hear him and i think... you are f&(*ing insane.
I need to wait and speak to a lawyer.. i make double the amount of income and we have a 17 year old. I may need to wait for my son to be an adult.. i dont know... but what i do know is that if i was not married and did not have a child I would have ran like my hair is on fire like they mention here.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset July 25, 2021 8:32 pm | #17 |
"well it was real to you because you didnt know the truth "
I heard that self-same exculpatory bs from my now ex when I told him my whole past felt like a lie. No, he insisted, it happened as it happened and so it was real. Never mind that he was playing a role and hiding the whole time. As if motive and feeling doesn't matter!
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 26, 2021 9:00 am)
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Posted by LostAtSea July 26, 2021 8:27 am | #18 |
Is it a personality disorder....I've turned this question over in mind, I don't know how many times. I'm not sure. I think its all the secrets and lies, underhanded things they do, manipulations galore all to maintain their secret. When they start to act on their sexuality, it goes poof and all the things they continue to do actually ends in a type of self psychological abuse and this is the result, more and more I think this is what happens. Ends up like a personaility disorder.
i have experienced so much lying in the last month that i do not recognize this man. He covered himself and also how can you lie so much and then look at someone in their eyes and own those lies at the expense of that person's happiness. How do you disconnect from the fact that you are preventing someone from living their best life. The one think i told my GH is you knew at 17 and i found out a month ago... i never had the chance to choose... you have taken that from me.... i did not experience authenticity all because you were too afraid to face reality.....and now because i know he is a narcissist he tells me... well it was real to you because you didnt know the truth and i have never experienced feeling that because i was living a lie... and i am like... again we go and make this about you.... so know i should be grateful because i believed your lies and your deceit and you were just sacrificing yourself and now you need the ability to have that true feeling I had... Newsflash....it was not real if you lied the whole way.... Honestly i hear him and i think... you are f&(*ing insane.
I need to wait and speak to a lawyer.. i make double the amount of income and we have a 17 year old. I may need to wait for my son to be an adult.. i dont know... but what i do know is that if i was not married and did not have a child I would have ran like my hair is on fire like they mention here.
This is what I have been asking myself since D-Day. How do you look someone in the eye, lay next to them in bed, and say you love them, BUT continously deceive them? How do I cook you dinner and take care of you, meanwhile in the next room you are creating secret accounts to hide who you really are and what you fantasize about?
All the straight spouses NEVER had a chance to make any of our relationships and marriages work as we weren't given the TRUTH. It was a setup for failure. The narcissistic selfish behavior is astonishing!
Before he left, I was helping him pack because he was too "tired", but not too tired from deceiving me. He literally walked out the door and never came back as I knew him to be. He dropped his transbomb revelation over a damn phone call, not even a face to face meeting...just an F coward!
My only saving grace (if I could call it that) is that every since he left, we have been in different places and states. It was already planned that coming back home was temporary, but now became permanent. This time alone has helped me reflect on the emotional and mental abuse I had endured during my "perfect" marriage. I could not see it then, but I see it now. The gaslighting and deflecting his inner anger within himself onto me. Abuse and picking fights that I never should have endured.
I am still shocked and can't wrap my head around my "amazing" husband and how he could continue to lie, deceive, steal and cheat! His ambused phone call with his "secret" was really his "decision". His decision to want a new life and be with a new person. I was still helping him "figure" out who he was/is with finding therapist and clinics; however he was STILL lying. I found sext messages and nude pics with wigs and lingerie on dating websites with married men with children. No morals and he didn't care when I brought this up. This is NOT the "person" I know.
The lies never never stopped even though he told me since the phone call no more hiding or lying. And even though I thought I had a "good" life with him, I do not remember any good memories. This terrible horrific deceit overshadows any good there was.
Now he can't move fast enough to become a woman. Before the divorce settlement was even finalized, he was already on hormones 2 months after D-Day when he told me he would not change for "some time". I said why couldn't you even wait so I could my head around this, his response was "What am I waiting for?" Umm for me to get over this damn shocking news!! He literally kicked me out of my own home (I moved to the East Coast b/c of his job and I literally moved out back home and never returned). I moved myself back during the pandemic and he was so wrapped in his new life that he came back to a 1/2 empty condo and had NO clude how I got my stuff out. Never one bother to even ask. Everything is a lie and I do not trust him or play into his emotions. I foolishly did for 6 months thinking I was trying to salvage my marriage and my person because he was begging me to come home! Only to find out he desires to be a woman to be with a man and wanted me to help him transition. He would "cheat" if a man hit on him even while he begged me to come home. It blows my mind! Why put me through more turmoil to "come home" to only tell me you want and desire a man? It's just shock after shock.
I would tell anyone who thought their bond was strong to know the level of deception and those closeted spouses who "discover" or "accept" who they are now will only hide so deep and protected themselves at all cost.
The anger now in me is what drives me to see clearly on who I married, which was a fraud and a morally broken person.
Last edited by LostAtSea (July 26, 2021 11:16 am)
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Posted by Lynne July 26, 2021 1:05 pm | #19 |
delete
Last edited by Lynne (July 15, 2022 6:33 pm)
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