OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / I didn't sign up for this

**Posted by LostNalone** July 18, 2021 2:23 pm

Hi All,
It has been quite awhile since I posted. I am straight, married to a GID/BID who really does not know what he his. Last year I put down very specific rules, no sex, you live your life and I will live mine. Our marriage is a contract between two people who care dearly for each other, love each other, but are not IN love with each other. After a lot of talking we came to an agreement that 1. He would get counseling. 2. We would consider moving closer to family and friends so I did not feel so isolated. Before any of that happened he had a massive heart attack. His heart is damaged beyond repair and now I am his caretaker. He is scared to death to be alone for more than a few hours and says that his heart attack was a warning from God that he needs to "clean up his act" and be a proper husband. He has swore off men and all thought of homosexuality. The problem is the damage is done, I cannot make the words I've heard just go away. I can't pretend that none of this ever happened. I thought I could make this work on a platonic platform because I care deeply for him, but now what I feel is trapped. I will not leave him now, for I am not that kind of person, but sometimes I just wish he would die and free me from this situation. Then of course I feel horrible because this is not his fault. I know that no one can help me on this, I just needed to tell someone and you are all my village (no one else knows his history). Thank you all for being here, being supportive and just listening.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 18, 2021 2:26 pm

"you are all my village"

*heart*

Edited to add....you might get more support if you move this to the Support Board

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 18, 2021 2:36 pm)

**Posted by SusanneH** July 18, 2021 3:08 pm

LostNAlone,

I’m so sorry for all that’s happened. I remember you were having problems with your husband bouncing in & out of the closet, but it looks like he’s pretty well ‘out of the game’ now. I’m so sorry. My first husband was straight (and faithful), and he had a bad heart & blood clots. After surgery, they also had to removed part of his dead heart and gave him less than a 50% chance of living 5 years. He lived 4 1/2 more….the difference was that I wanted him to live as we’d been married almost 32 years when he passed away & even though our married life was hard, our marriage was great because of our love…..We didn’t have sex the last 8 years because of his heart, but it was all right since it was health related and not something else…. We still loved each other just as much.

Then, comes your situation….Not to be callous, but have they given him a prognosis? It sounds like you’re having to be his caregiver and not getting to be his wife, which you weren’t able to be even before this happened. So, it isn’t like you’re just trying to jump ship because he’s ill. You already had this happening before then.

Have you both discussed the best course of action for the two of you to be as happy as possible? I know it isn’t going to be easy and neither of you will be “happy”, as we all dream of, but maybe you can come up with something that will work for you..

I wish you all the best. Hang in there.

(((((HUGS)))))

Susanne

**Posted by LostNalone** July 19, 2021 10:49 am

He was in the hospital for 18 days, 16 of them in critical care. I am his medical power of attorney so I do have all the facts, so he is not "playing games", although sometimes I feel he uses his illness to manipulate situations. His prognosis is not favorable. They cannot surgically repair (CABG or stent) so he is at the mercy of pharmaceuticals and God. They wanted to go the heart transplant route, but after consideration and a lot of deep thought, he has chosen not to go down that route. He could literally drop dead at any moment or he could suffer for years. He went from stage 4 (final stage) heart failure to stage 3 but the Drs say he will not likely improve from where he currently is. They were able to open one artery with angioplasty but they couldn't stent it and said it could re-clog and he would be done. I have to say, I went through this with my first husband and he was not half as sick as this one and he only lived for 7 months. Like Suzanne, it was different with the first as it was a heterosexual happy marriage. I just want to run and was planning my escape when all this happened, now my feet feel like they are nailed to the ground.

**Posted by Soaplife** July 19, 2021 10:32 pm

LostNalone, staying in the hope that he dies soon is not healthy or realistic for either of you. My dad lived for 10 years after the hospital said they couldn't do any more artery clearing or stents and he only had one graft partially working.

The longer he lives, the more likely he is to slip back into old habits and behaviours tgat were the reason you were planning to leave.

The first thing would be to be brutally honest with your husband. Tell him how you feel and what you want to do without evasion. He can't be honest but you can.

If you feel trapped, you don't have to stay in his closet. Move yourself nearer to your family and tell them your story. Put him in assisted living if you don't want to leave him altogether - he can choose either where you are now, close to his family, or close to your family.

Also if you feel trapped and resentful - all justified after the years of mistreatment - you probably aren't the best person to care for him. A third party uninvolved emotionally is better for you and him. If you stay with him try to make arrangements where you are not the primary carer.

Its a really hard thing to work through. Look after yourself.

Last edited by Soaplife (July 19, 2021 10:38 pm)

**Posted by Abby** July 20, 2021 6:10 am

If you are on the US and there is any possibility that he could end up in a nursing home and/or need Medicaid I suggest that you talk to an attorney experienced in elder law about filing for divorce immediately. Medicaid requires a portion of the couple's assets and what is allowed for the so-called "community spouse" can be difficult to live on.

I am not an expert on this but when my father ended up in a nursing home I had to take my mother to an attorney to explain to us what would happen to their finances. Fortunately he died.

**Posted by Abby** July 20, 2021 8:26 am

I should have left it at "and" and not put "and/or" because I was only talking about a the situation where one spouse is in a nursing home and its costs are depleting assets rapidly.

The "community spouse" is the spouse who is living outside of a nursing facility: you.