OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Why do I do this?

**Posted by AuroraMoon** July 17, 2021 2:55 am

Ok seriously that was the last marriage counseling appointment I'm going to. I'm done.

He says he feels hurt, scared and bitter lately. He has directed these feelings at me passive aggressively. He denies me touch, eye contact, attention, affection, and empathy (effing prick).

He feels like there is only room for my needs, feelings and opinions in our relationship. No room for his. He has so much fear and sadness built up that he can't bring himself back to the way he used to feel about me. He is only sad and afraid when he is around me. He feels a great loss for the partner he thought he had in me. He accuses me of gas lighting him. He says I deny his reality and truth. It is my reaction that is causing all my trauma, not his actions. It is my decision to feel the way I feel. He says he can't and doesn't make me feel loss, betrayal, suspicion, or fear because he has never cheated on me. He claims he has never hurt me.

He accuses me of acting like I am evolved and grown past him. He is not sure he likes the "evolved" person I am becoming. Apparently I've become angry, bitter, homophobic (wow) and self righteous. He truly hopes I find good things and a partner that works for me. He doesn't know if he is that person for me. Because he can't be with someone who demands he fit in a certain mold (the person he had been for the last 13 years??)

He needs me to love, respect and accept him if we can move forward. He went on and on about setting boundaries with me, make himself heard, make his needs known because he is enough.

What the actual f***?
I'm looking for a place of my own tomorrow. Thursday is our 14th anniversary. How did I get here?

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 17, 2021 5:29 am

AuroraMoon wrote:
.....I'm looking for a place of my own tomorrow. Thursday is our 14th anniversary. How did I get here?

Sending you good, strong thoughts Aurora, all the way from New Zealand.

Elle

**Posted by Daryl** July 17, 2021 8:50 am

It seems to me that he is blaming you for all his issues and playing the victim here. Sometimes this is used to attempt to push us into the closet.

Wishing you strength. These next few days or weeks are often the hardest, but you will set up your future.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** July 17, 2021 12:31 pm

AuroraMoon,
You might ask yourself why, if he is so damned unhappy, he isn't taking action to move or end the marriage, but instead, pressuring you. He is engaging in all the DARVO tactics of a passive-agressive covert narc (I went through something similar with my now-ex, including those "demands." (Btw, your husband's "boundaries" are "demands," as boundaries have to do with our own behavior only, while his so-called boundaries require you to do what he wants. What he's saying is that you must do these things or it's a deal/marriage-breaker, hoping you will cave to the pressure, because he knows that you don't want to have to divorce.) Please don't be taken in by his accusations or believe they are in any way accurate. They are his way of trying to pressure you into doing what he wants you to, whether this is making you end the marriage (and thus "force" him to start living the truth of who he says he is), or pressuring you to accept what behavior he would like for you to agree with in the marriage.

He may want to play "it's not my actions that are the problem, it's your reaction to my actions," but rest assured that it's not you that's the problem, it's him.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 17, 2021 2:18 pm)

**Posted by AuroraMoon** July 17, 2021 2:34 pm

Thank you OOHC, I have missed your guidance these past months. I knew I needed to come back home to this family.