OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / In a quandry

**Posted by Sonata** July 9, 2021 8:05 am

Hello everyone,

I haven't posted here in a while. I am going through a lot lately and trying to figure out what to do.

My husband and I are talking more than ever before. He gives a lot of mixed messages but he is expressing that maybe our sexuality can be rekindled. We are seeing a new counselor together that seems really good.

My husband isn't letting go of the idea of our marriage and keeps talking about the future. My problem is that he is not attracted to me very often....maybe 10 times a year. He admitted he hasn't been attracted to me in many years except from time to time. He is not in a sexual relationship with anyone and seems to think maybe he shouldn't be with anyone..feels like a failure in relationships....and he kinda is.

I am not sure I can do it anymore. We get a long well. We are friends
We raise our son together but I need sex and intimacy to be part of marriage...he thinks maybe it can be rekindled but what if it can't? What if it's just mind games? I don't want to break my heart again....

Considering separation. We are talking about it. It is very painful for both of us. We have been together for 21 years.

I lost a girl friend who thought I am just being very dysfunctional and should have left him already....
I think when I am fully ready I'll know and that it's complicated because we have a child who is autistic and going into high school and finally doing well. We don't want to destroy that.....

So, I continue to be in a weird place. We are living together but separated....sleeping apart etc. It hurts.

**Posted by Dutchman** July 11, 2021 6:51 am

This video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20

It doesn't address MOM situations specifically but is still applicable. Our approach to keep our sexual relation going in the first years after my wife disclosed, was sort of pragmatic and having not too high expectations of it. And we both agreed on it, for this prevented the consequences of a sex starved marriage.
This obviously wasn't the solution for the SSA, but provided the time we needed to work that out. That's complicated enough, so it makes sense not to complicate it further by not having (nearly enough) sex.
It has it's limitations in the long run, but consider it a temporary way to go about things. Until progress can be made in a much more fundamental way. I hope your husband understands this (you).

**Posted by Sonata** July 11, 2021 8:30 am

Thank you Dutchman, I will watch the video. You have always been so kind in your responses and I appreciate it.

**Posted by Sonata** July 11, 2021 8:58 am

I remember I watched that video with my husband, Dutchman. It changed nothing. We agreed to have sex once a week and he still didn't want to or didn't initiate and I promised myself that I would no longer be the initiator and feel like a beggar. I have done that too many years.

We have just started therapy again but he has admitted that he hasn't felt attracted to me and can't seem to initiate. We are in a stuck place.....so I am stepping away but will continue therapy with him and by myself.

**Posted by HappyMOM** November 21, 2021 1:01 pm

My wife has not initiated sex in more than decade. When we do have sex (scheduled once every 2 weeks), I have to make all of the moves. It seems like that anyway. The problem is partly in my brain, though. I did not really understand until I saw the Sexed Starved Marriage video. We bought a great book on the same topic and have been working on it. I can tell you that it IS possible to rekindle a sex life. Takes effort, communication, time, and willingness to make mistakes.
Good luck