Posted by momofboys04  July 7, 2021 1:37 pm | #1 |
I've been with my husband for 5 years. I suspect he's gay, but I've never actually caught him, and he's never came out to me. I obviously suspect for a reason...before we got married he wouldn't have sex with me, married me quick after 6 months of dating, but still never wants to be intimate with me. He tells me I'm not normal and not like most girls because I actually want intimacy. He never looks at me or touches me. Never kisses or hugs me. He turns away if I try to kiss him. I think he's in love with his boss. He flirts with him, sends him kiss and heart emojis, but tells me he's "just joking" he talks more sexually and flirty to guys when he's joking than he ever has with me. I'm so jealous of his boss and he makes me feel like I'm nuts because of it. I've begged him to find another job, but I know he would never pick me over him. He would do anything for his boss. He always tries to start drama in our relationship and get us to break up. My husband swears he's not gay, but there's just been so many signs. Even when I read alot of posts on here, I feel like it's about my marriage. We made a deal that if he continued working for his boss he would never stay the night places, or hang out with him outside of work. He stayed the night last week, we got into a huge fight and he flips everything onto me. Every fight we have gets twisted into being my fault, and then he gives me the silent treatment for weeks until I "change" or apologize to him. Yesterday he told me he had to work, and saw on his GPS tracker he went up north to a lake. I asked him if he was on a boat and he said yeah, they just went on a little ride after work. I know he's lying and the only reason he went there was to go boating with his boss. I told him I was disgusted, and he went off on me that he's done with me. He doesn't want to be with me anymore. I make him miserable, and he's sick of me controlling him. I just feel so horrible. We're Christian, so I know he would never come out and just keep putting on the act of the family man. Even though I feel like I know he's gay, I always just figured we would stay together forever, and I would just deal with it. I just can't believe he's throwing it at me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I feel heartbroken. Even though he hurts me, I still love him and thought we'd spend our lives together.
I just feel completely blindsided and heartbroken, and im not sure what to do. Im very thankful for this page, so I can vent and share how im feeling.
Thanks for reading and for the support.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz July 7, 2021 2:44 pm | #2 |
momofboys04 wrote:
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Hello Momo4....welcome to our Forum. Have you read the First Aid Kit? It's pinned to the top of the General Board.
Everything you've written...read by a straightspouse who has been through a lot of what you've experienced....tells me this man is emotionally-absent and is treating you with disdain.
Your mindset will have to change to enable you to honestly admit that this marriage isn't what you signed up for. To do that you need to communicate with somebody you feel will have your confidence, because you won't be able to fully comprehend what's happening til you until the face you're saying it to is somebody who isn't diminishing you or treating you like shit/telling you you're nuts.
Time to start believing in yourself and how you see your life and how dreadfully you're being treated. Don't be like me and take 32 years to realise the man you're with is somebody else
We are here to listen
Elle
Edited to say.....isn't not your heart he's breaking, it's your spirit. We're here to help you get it back 
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 7, 2021 2:47 pm)
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Rob July 7, 2021 5:17 pm | #3 |
Momofboys04,
A warm welcome.
I agree with the other replies. I will add I know the feeling...the anxiety of what he is doing, where he's at. Even if he wasn't gay..which from what you shared has all the signs of a cheating spouse.
The anxiety and stress can eat you up..it permeates everything...I would physically shake with the trauma of it.
No one should be treated like this..not by a bad roommate and certainly not by their spouse.
You've taken a first step by posting here..start building your support system ..little steps, large steps...whatever you can manage.
Know that you do not have to be hurt to be loved.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by Ordinary guy July 8, 2021 7:30 am | #4 |
Momofboys04,
It is frankly heartbreaking to read your tale of woe. You have alluded to the presence of children in your name. Are there any children involved in this relationship? It seems to be quite a common trend amongst those who visit this site, that they are very genuine, loving and kind people who find themselves in situations that life experience cannot prepare them for. Fortunately, you have found this resource and with it a group of people who understand everything you are experiencing. Your husband is gay, which in itself is not a problem. The problem a lot of us have is that we did not know this when we innocently and lovingly committed ourselves emotionally to them. Some of our partners and spouses were not aware of the fact that they felt same sex attraction, and they themselves are disturbed by this self realisation. Some have tried to suppress their attractions in order to live what they believe to be a “normal” heterosexual life, with marriage and children and all the social trappings of the “normal” acceptable family dynamic. Until their own inherent nature manifests itself later causing terrible emotional damage to all. In our heteronormative society either of these scenarios are on some level understandable.
I think you have been dealing with something else entirely. By your description above, you are the unwitting “beard” to a homosexual man who scores highly on trait psychopathy. He feels no remorse for his actions and has no empathy for you in your description above. I can tell that you are a loving and kind person, this is a requirement in this sort of relationship. It sounds awful, but it is probably quite accurate to look at it from the perspective of a parasite and a host. You get nothing, but he gets everything he needs because he will just take it without any remorse at all. I don’t think that he will change in any way. He will honestly tell himself that you are being too needy and over sensitive and be convinced of that fact. He doesn’t choose to act this way, it is just the way he acts. If it was the bosses wife instead of the boss, his behaviour would be just as reprehensible.
Remember to be kind to yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a good person who just so happens to have been found by a bad one. You need to talk to family and friends and let them know what is going on. I would recommend therapy for you to aid in your recovery.
4881 days…
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
