Heartbroken....as I read this post I could almost see the battle you have with your old self and the new you. Many of your *I* sentences were statements about how the way he makes you and the children feel (and how you don't like it and know it's not the kind of life you want for you and your children. Your children's father seemed to be only focused on himself and how he appears to the world. I tried to separate all your thoughts from your account of his. 
There is nothing wrong with you You sound strong and even though you're still pulled back into the emotions he triggers.....it seems he's using your old life and your children as pawns in his own No-man's Land as he sorts himself out (pun)  Don't let him drag you along with him, make each day better for you and your children

Elle

Heartbroken49 wrote:

* Hi everyone, so here’s an update. It was our child’s birthday, ...... for my child I did this........ I won’t want to find anyone else 😵‍💫. I was in so much pain at hearing this information that I just sat there. I feel weak and dependent on any communication with him even if it rips my heart out…. What is wrong with me??? I was happier with no face to face contact. I know I need to get back to that, but I feel just like I did when he left....... but I must admit I was spying on his Twitter and the stuff he’s liking makes me sick, totally hardcore....... I can’t deal with this rollercoaster. I got upset in front of him, which was the last thing I wanted to do....... I knew to keep him at a distance but I have allowed this so our child had a “somewhat” normal birthday because they are struggling with it all too eg going for counselling and on anti depressants. They still love him but have seen a side to him they don’t like. ..... I know they are saying this so they aren’t abandoned by him . Honestly his arrogance is beyond huge. ...... I hadn’t cried in a week and now I can’t seem to stop...... I said I was going to take mine (ring) off ...... I am so confused, .....I ask too many questions,...... I have started to realise when he doesn’t need me and he has other people and situations to fill his needs, the monster comes out...... someone I have spent 30+ yrs with shouldn’t behave this way....... I had nothing left to give, ....I am not worth it… no one should be treated like this. ..... I thought we were [happy]....... I have noticed the explanation he has gave me is based on delusion,...... I know that I need to cut him off, but I’m finding letting him go so difficult.

""..he wanted to come to my house and celebrate as a family 😒 When we were alone we talked about the when, how etc some of the stuff he told me made me feel sick. It was mainly a blame game. He said he hadn’t cheated but wanted to, so that’s why he came out, so that he didn’t cheat while we were together. He has been flirting with guys for years and the urge was too strong, that he wanted to take it further. That he had to get out or he would have driven off a cliff. But maybe in 5 years or so he would come back, if he hadn’t pursued it with anyone as he knows 😵‍💫......He said he’s not happy either,living alone, having to do everything himself, that all he’s doing is working and sleeping ....... He also said that him coming out would be pointless if he didn’t try with another man but he realises that he will never have a relationship like ours where someone loves him so much. He is being really mean with his words one minute, then playing the victim the next.......there was no emotion from him , he just said he regrets the hurt he’s caused me. They still love him but have seen a side to him they don’t like. He said to me, they need to toughen up and realise there’s a big bad world out there, Why are they affected, he’s still their dad? That he has had chats with them and they were fine with everything, they want him to be happy. ......He thinks no talk about him between my child and I should be happening (even though they are grown) I might be giving them negative feelings towards him......He has taken his wedding ring off and put it on a chain, he said it’s falling off and doesn’t want to lose it.......he was saying no, we are still married why would I do that?......He treats me like I’m nothing, and can’t even be bothered with explaining anything. He is so broken as, ..... He has taken everything from me till I had nothing left to give, now he has tossed me like rubbish with no real explanation or apology.....  The thing is he thinks he hasn’t done anything wrong and deserves to be happy…..He said he has to do this....he thinks he has justified every bad thing he’s ever done. He is playing the victim"" 

 

Thanks everyone, your understanding and advice is helping me tremendously. I know what he is and always has been ( not TGT) he did nothing around the house, didn’t interact with our child, he only worked ( and played behind my back) he received all the love and attention and it still wasn’t enough. I don’t think he will ever be happy. I just want to get to a place that my feelings for him subside, so if he EVER asks to come back, the door is firmly closed. I have  treated him like a child for over a decade, as he always whined or made excuses for not being an adult, people used to say “ he was lazy or incompetent “  ( I was always excusing his behaviour) but I need to realise he made adult decisions concerning his extra curricular life. The lies he has told me over the years blows my mind, how I put up with it all. I don’t think I miss that life just the “promises “ that life meant to me. Security and someone to grow old with. The thought of being alone for the rest of my life terrifies me, but I suppose I have been alone my whole adult life. Looking back I should have known his true feelings for me, for the past 20+ years he always insisted on working night shift ( so he didn’t have to sleep in the same bed as me I suppose) the no interest or intimacy. He never worried about my safety ( I used to walk the dog at 1am) even when he was home, and when he was off work he would stay up until I went to sleep. I feel so stupid for putting up with it. I can’t even fathom why I’m upset about him leaving to be honest. I just believed in “ a marriage was forever”  I suppose I was delusional as well.

This may sound left field and a little cruel but.. If he had run off, disappeared one day,  contacted something or simply had a fatal car accident and died, well, you'd be bringing up those children alone wouldn't you? You'd have the strength to do that right?

No contact. Sounds heaven.

Elle

Heartbroken,

Definitely don't let him in your house anymore.. NO CONTACT. These spouses has forfeited all rights and privileges to  our time or resources.

I wouldn't let my GX in home if you put a gun to head.