Posted by taketwo  June 14, 2021 7:49 pm | #1 |
Hi everyone. Long time reader, first time poster. Pushing 40 single mom with a teen son from a previous relationship. I've been "on my way out the door" with my "boyfriend" for a few years because of the big suspected problem (gay and crossdressing) but only recently started to see my mental and physical health was so poor I that wasn't functioning properly. I just kept blaming myself for not being able to "just get up" while my long time "partner" watched me waste away. He kept promising to get married, get me insurance, get me into a doctor. We bought a house and he used my name and my son to get a USDA loan for our house promising we would get married after. It never happened. It's been over 13yrs. I'm still in those muddy waters and now I fear I'm in the discard phase with such bad mental issues that I'm barley getting a breath. I feel like I have to think "breath!".
I have one of the deniers that thinks he has been doing me a favor all these years because my past relationship was physically abusive and I didn't come from a family with money or stability (he did). I felt like a POS. I was wrecked. Last year I landed a decent contract but I think the guy just seen how messed up I was and exploited it. It got really bad and I still feel hazy sometimes, but other moments there is clarity.
I came to vent, and just to reach out. To say "I think I'm ready to talk about the truth now". So who ever responds just thanks in advance. To everyone that has shared, I want you to know (especially you architypes) that I wouldn't remember to take a breath sometimes if it wasn't for your stories and continued support for the ppl here, even if they don't stay long. It's ppl like you that make it easier to remember "not everything is a sham".
I know there is hope and it can get better. I just gotta get through the rest of the door. I gotta get to the step. Then maybe I'll see the getaway car on the street. Thanks for leaving the light on and a key under the mattress.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz June 14, 2021 8:00 pm | #2 |
taketwo wrote:
...... I want you to know (especially you architypes) that I wouldn't remember to take a breath sometimes if it wasn't for your stories and continued support for the ppl here, even if they don't stay long. It's ppl like you that make it easier to remember "not everything is a sham".
I know there is hope and it can get better. I just gotta get through the rest of the door. I gotta get to the step. Then maybe I'll see the getaway car on the street. Thanks for leaving the light on and a key under the mattress.
Hiya Taketwo. It's great isn't it! when you find a community that 'gets' you 
I'd say surely a lawyer would be the first person to see, and build your exit plan from there
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by taketwo June 14, 2021 8:16 pm | #3 |
Thank you so much and yes you are right. 2 years ago I started my journey to get out of the pit of despair.
I was/am in the same place I was 13yrs ago with this guy, but one thing I know I can say now "it's not my fualt and I am worthy of respect and love".
To anyone else reading who hasn't taken the first step, maybe you're "long time reader" too.
You've already gotten through one of the hardest parts.
"at times it will hit you like a blow to the chest, but with time it will hurt less and less"
-a comic I read lifetime ago
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Posted by taketwo June 14, 2021 9:33 pm | #4 |
Sounds like your partner is making promises he isn’t keeping. I will warn you, if you start making plans to leave and he knows about them, the same promise will be made again, maybe with a definite date this time, be very careful not to fall back into the same game with him.
Yes and the front of my head says "don't worry, you got this" but I KNOW I need to keep your words close because I already slipped once. I think that first post is hard. For me it's because I feel like I am under surveillance. Like if I say it out loud, I'm going to get caught and ridiculed for being "crazy, insecure, controlling". The decade of gaslighting messed me up pretty bad. Now I don't know if I am being watched, or if it's just the trauma finding new ways to put me on guard.
I recently had two run in with what might be affair partners and on one of these occasions I froze when I realized what was going on, my neck got really hot, my ears started ringing, I felt light headed when I realized I was triangulated by three gay men that know each other. One was my partner, but I didn't know anyone. Ever since then there has been someone honking in front of my house almost daily. I live in a rural farm community. It feels like I'm being laughed at a lot and I don't know why, but that car horn everyday reminds me. Maybe it's not connected but my instincts don't leave room for questioning these days.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset June 14, 2021 9:37 pm | #5 |
I know what a big step it is, how momentous, when you make your first post. It feels as if you have cracked open a door and are taking the first step to recovering your self and your ability to breathe once again.
If you haven't already contacted the SSN to see if there is someone in your area you can speak to in person via phone, you can do that, too. It is a good next step after posting here. I was so nervous about speaking my truth out loud, but it was tremendously validating and freeing.
I second the suggestions for you to seek legal counsel. Talking to a lawyer gives you information about your rights under the law, and information is empowering, because you can base actions on real information.
When your partner watches you decline (and is the cause for it), but doesn't act to help you, that is a sign that he cares more about himself and his secret than the does for you. It's a painful step on the road to recovery to recognize and accept the truth.
Keep posting! We understand, and we care.
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Posted by taketwo June 15, 2021 7:57 am | #6 |
Thank you both for the kind words and sage advice. My state doesn't have common law sadly. There has been a lot of controlling financial abuse and mental abuse over the last two years. I've looked up a couple attorney's today, and will hopefully speak with one on Friday. GID told me today I need to "find an exit strategy". He used our names to get the gov backed loan for this house, then he filed bankruptcy and tossed a lot of his debt off onto me and rolled all his into a tiny payment. It's been such a nightmare.
Again thank you all for your kind words and a shoulder. It means so much right now.
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Posted by Rob June 16, 2021 6:23 am | #7 |
Taketwo,
"Find an exit strategy"..
Those words resonated with me. Yes a lawyer can help you do just that.
For me it was costly but I would have cut off a limb to get away from my GX.
It may be like an asset if the debt was acquired during the marriage its considered shared and split. These spouses are not Gods and do not get to dictate how an exit will be. If your spouse is asking you to find a solution more the better...find one for YOU...any lawyer worth their salt will have your interest in mind.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
