Lynne, 

I don’t recall word for word, but I have been told my husband is gay, not bi. I have been told my husband has been hooking up with men, etc... 

I’ve never once suggested I thought he was gay. I never once suggested I thought he was cheating. This was all deduced by STRANGERS who presume to know my marriage better than I do. 

That’s where I take issue. 

Tangled 

Last edited by TangledOil (May 24, 2021 5:09 pm)

TangledOil wrote:

...I also hear from many whose situation is more similar to mine and they are looking for comfort and compassion on SSN and they don’t find it and move on... and that may just be the way it needs to be. ..

Tangled 

I call bullshit on " they don't find it and move on " but see it as simply not the kind of compassion and support that new straight spouse is wanting. Again no fault of this Forum

I think you're correct "and that may just be the way it needs to be"

Elle

Dear Tangled,

Please, "Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?" 

Your response to my post comes across as dismissive in the least.  You said: "there are many straight marriages that go down the crapper because of deception, loss, and damage, too".   But as longway noted, these are not regular marriages.  My marriage didn't "go down the crapper".  I never had a marriage.  I was tricked into a fraudulent one and duped for over 30 years.  Years I can never get back.  Trauma that I will probably never fully recover from.   Your posts stating that you have compassion for us rings hollow and condescending to me now.  I hope I'm wrong about that and it is as longway also said not your fault, just not your experience. 

I’ve been reading all the posts on this subject, after my post near the beginning. As I stated, I felt terribly disheartened after reading all the doomsday posts when I first got here.

After reading about the negativity, I decided to check my first posts & see what I found/posted. The VERY first post I made was in the MOM section. It was posts of links to articles on MOMs. It was the first positive thing I’d run across & was great! But, I read all the answers in that post, and sure enough there was a spat between two members about a comment made about MOMs. 

People, they are all over the place....just look at this threat alone. We may have different situations, however we’re here to support each other.....at least that’s what the message about the group states. 

So, some have marriages that didn’t or couldn’t have worked. We all know they can’t all work out, no matter how much we wish they would. Even those that are going well today, may well crap out tomorrow. So, we should all be compassionate toward one another, regardless. We could be in that same boat any time.
Other have marriage that are working That’s great and we should encourage that. I’ve seen mention (I’m one who has) other sites...well, for instance on several MOM groups/and mixed orientation relationship groups, those people are supporting one another. Heck, when they try to get their marriages to work, sometimes they talk about how to help spice it up in the bedroom (nothing racy...all PG rated 😉).
But. there is no name calling, no ‘telling’ someone they have to get out of there! because it isn’t up to anyone except the parties involved. There is a difference between giving suggestions and advice. We don’t know the whole story.
When I first got here, my husband had cheated for our entire relationship, and had lied to me about it for another 16+ months while I searched (he knew about it & was ok with it)....so, we appeared hopeless. But, not even did I know if we were going to make it this far or not. I knew we wanted to try. THAT is why I found this forum. I was looking for ways to save our marriage.......and, what I found was not very promising from others. 
Until I found the MOM section. It was the only positive section here.

SO, realizing we’re all on different journeys, but here for the original reason: we are straight spouses in a relationship with a non-straight spouse (or partner), and we came here seeking SUPPORT. 

I think if someone asks, “how can I save my marriage?” (or, worded similarly), then we should try to help them.
If they say...I can’t do this! Help me find a way out! or, He won’t stop lying, cheating, etc....then.....help them deal with that. 

thanks for ‘listening’ to my two cents worth.

MJM017 wrote:

We’ve given all our opinions here. I value this board. It continues to help me.

This particular topic has been exhausted. We’re going around in circles. Please move on.

Thank you. At this point I agree. I think we just have to settle with we’re all looking for different things, different types of support, and we have to agree to disagree on what that may look like. 

Tangled