Very frustrated right now. Here's where we're at.

She:
All of this is terror and comfort, certainty and confusion, excitement and intermittent despair, all at once.

Me:
 I know, and I wish I could support you, but you're not giving me a way to do that—except by altering nothing about our relationship and having no feelings about the fact that you repeatedly look to other people for comfort and celebration.

I have no experience with trans ..only a cheating suddenly gay now ex (I will not call her bi..she never liked guys).
..

I like Hellobrittys reply..take a yoga class for yourself..   build a support system for you.. a therapist for you, etc.
It feels selfish..I felt guilty if I had to worked late or brought a cup of coffee..

We love our partners..we build our life around them..  we give unselfishly and love fiercely, support them...suddenly we don't know who we were without them.  That would be ok ..

But..  how is it then that we are doing the "pick me dance"  against another lover, another sexual identity, an alien spaceship??  Why , if they love us like they say or vowed, do we need to compete against anything? 

Only when I stepped back and realized I could not control what my GX did anymore than the tides or earth's orbit did start to get a sense of the debilitating selfishness and narcissism that I was living under.

In a sentence..take that yoga class. Go for a bike ride.  Watch what your partner does in response.  Could tell you all you need to know.

Suzuki,
Having gone through a similar experience, I can relate. 

Re: your partner's expressions of terror/comfort; excitement/despair - Yes, my trans-identifying husband went through that too.  At a certain point we mutually decided to call it quits.  The very next day he detracted everything saying, "it's not fun anymore."  I think the forbidden aspect has a certain appeal.  Also I do not understand why so many people are declaring that they are the wrong gender, just over the last decade or so.  I think it's because the general stigma has decreased, yet this is still considered edgy and different.  My husband historically craved attention from strangers. 

Re:  your frustration over not finding a way to support him, and his reaching out to others for comfort and celebration.  If your situation is anything like mine, you will not win.  (And maybe that's a positive thing.)  If his transformation is against your beliefs and what you want in a relationship, you have no duty nor responsibility to support him.  And if he is reaching out to the trans community for comfort and celebration, THEY are not going to support YOU.  I found this out the hard way.  My husband's trans therapist told him if I didn't like what he was doing, I could go f**k myself.  Real nice.  Not to sound bitter (well I guess I am), but I think they want more people to be like them and they will encourage anyone who expresses an interest in this lifestyle. 

By the way, my husband revealed all this to me 10+ years into our relationship, when we were both in our 60s.  We are divorced now.  

You may have additional obstacles to deal with as COVID restrictions are loosened.  My ex was obsessed with drag queen shows and gay pride events - which I am sure will be returning soon.  

Good luck.  I am sorry you are going through this.  

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

suzuki b wrote:

....

..was actually walking away from me unconcerned that I had stopped/might fall in/lagged behind. I can remember feeling an enormous loss and sadness, didn't know what it meant, if anything, but when I told him about it he was as unconcerned and dismissive as the man in the dream.

Elle
 

Many here would have stopped and helped you.  And that is the difference between us and them.

Rob wrote:

Many here would have stopped and helped you. And that is the difference between us and them.

The fact it was a dream, and that it was at the beginning of the whole "feeling that something wasn't right between us" 
stage...makes me feel....now....that it was a premonition. A bit freaky & weird

MJM....'hugs'..

Elle