OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Effects of Deception

**Posted by Treelovingvegan** May 2, 2021 8:17 am

Thank you everyone for all your responses! Every time I read a post, read a response to my question, or post myself—- I get a bit of relief and feel a sense of healing & empowerment. I appreciate all the heart felt advice & sharing of stories. Thank you for taking the time to read my story!

I am always trying to plan & control everything. My post is evidence of that—- me trying to plan both outcomes—- one where I stay & one where I leave.

But I think healing will come how it comes. In its own time & way. Not something to be controlled. But I’m grateful to have this forum for the journey.

I don’t know what I need to do. I want to pretend everything is normal and I don’t have doubts. I’m scared to have a conversation with my husband because I don’t want to alienate him or make him feel like he his sexuality is on trial. I have no evidence of infidelity or strong suspicion of infidelity at this point. But I worry if he truly has interest in men, he won’t be able to suppress that for his entire life. If I stay, My worry is not about now but the future and the years to come.

**Posted by lily** May 2, 2021 12:55 pm

TLV - I read your first post and he sounds very gay to me. Wearing your short shorts? excusing it as lack of clean clothes?? sure. the sitting to pee thing, my ex did that too, he said it was easier, I thought it was cleaner and never thought of it but it seems a lot of the gay in denial men sit to pee.

You can't talk to him about his past dating life or his sexuality for fear of upsetting him - is this a good foundation for a marriage?

You sound young, why not cut your losses and give yourself the chance to find someone who can love you back.

My observation of marriages in general is either they are good or they are bad, there is no okay marriage to be had.

**Posted by Blue Bear** May 3, 2021 11:05 am

TLV: "I don’t want to alienate him or make him feel like he his sexuality is on trial." I think you already have what you need to declare a verdict of "not straight". What's truly on trial is whether you (not him, but you) are OK with that.

**Posted by Rob** May 4, 2021 9:48 pm

Tree,

I read this and your other thread asking if he is gay..

So sorry..there seems to be too much gay in your life emanating from him..

The anxiety can wear you down..permeate everything...is he meeting a friend for a beer or is it a date? The distrust is excruciating when you realize you can't compete with a male friend of his or the gay porn.
I know the anxiety well..it is a trauma. One shouldn't have to wonder if they are physically enough for their spouse.

If those things about him are hurting you ...sure tell him..tell him it keeps hurting you. But be wary..if he has not changed his actions in the time you've known him. I do not know words he can say to prove he has no same sex attraction..

In regards to your question in this thread.. it was relatively easy for me to date or trust again as no one could possibly be as hurtful and dishonest as my GX. Really hyper sensitive to any signs of narcissism or gayness. I do not consider it a paranoia..I guess one learns self love..no need to hurt one's self with doubt about another persons honesty, empathy, sexuality...been there, done that..

Just know that you should be enough for your spouse...more than enough.

Last edited by Rob (May 4, 2021 9:51 pm)

**Posted by Treelovingvegan** May 6, 2021 5:31 pm

Rob wrote:
Tree,

Just know that you should be enough for your spouse...more than enough.

Thank you for saying this.. So if he has attraction to men but he’s fighting it, that means I’m not enough for him.

**Posted by Rob** May 6, 2021 8:48 pm

Treelovingvegan wrote:
Rob wrote:
Tree,

Just know that you should be enough for your spouse...more than enough.
Thank you for saying this.. So if he has attraction to men but he’s fighting it, that means I’m not enough for him.

When I found out my spouse was gay..I had no idea the whole marriage. She was having a gay affair...and withdrew not just physical affection but basic human decency from me. It explained a lot...why I always had to I initiate any affection...why nothing I did ever seemed good enough.. and then I had to compete with not another man but a woman..how was I supposed to do that?
Why should I/we have to compete with anyone else be it man or woman? Who made the God's or supreme beings that can do whatever they want.

What part of the marriage vows did they not understand? Why after they made those promises do we feel like we are not enough for them? If we were not enough and they needed the same sex then why vow before God and family to love us till death.

No the real reality is we are enough.. more than enough. We are worth more than they can ever comphrehend.

**Posted by clintonia** May 9, 2021 11:45 pm

Rob wrote:
When I found out my spouse was gay..I had no idea the whole marriage. She was having a gay affair...and withdrew not just physical affection but basic human decency from me. It explained a lot...why I always had to I initiate any affection...why nothing I did ever seemed good enough.. and then I had to compete with not another man but a woman..how was I supposed to do that? Why should I/we have to compete with anyone else be it man or woman? Who made the God's or supreme beings that can do whatever they want.

No the real reality is we are enough.. more than enough. We are worth more than they can ever comphrehend.

I think respect should be true of any long-term relationship, regardless of marriage. Of course this site is called the Straight *Spouse* Network, but I'd like to emphasize that the same can happen regardless of whether or not you're married if one partner believes it to be a real relationship based on presenting one's honest self daily for years. It doesn't take marriage vows to be abusive. I wish this site would emphasize the impact for those out of marriage more as well.

**Posted by Rob** May 10, 2021 5:42 am

Clintonia,

That is true. I am so guilty of that here..ie.. what part of the marriage vows didn't they understand. Like everyone else here I guess I was grasping for some way to explain the deception.
Married or not these spouses/partners hid some fundamental piece of themselves from us. Whether it was shame or guilt or the alignment of the planets..really doesn't matter...it was just wrong. We don't deserve that..we deserve more...we deserve honest love and human decency...married or not.

**Posted by Gloria** May 10, 2021 6:05 am

I could not agree more. A good friend of mine found out her husband was gay back in the 1980's. They had a little girl. He's dead of aids now and she seemed to forgive him but she has had so many problems through the years-drug addiction, nervous breakdown, trips to mental hospital. Even though she has been happily married since 1992, she has still had issues because her first husband lied and passed as hetrosexual.

**Posted by Daryl** May 10, 2021 7:55 am

Which brings us to what others here have suggested in the past. A trauma counselor may be a better fit for some of us than a relationship/marriage counselor.