OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Still my best friend

**Posted by CoffeeLover123** April 26, 2021 9:41 pm

My husband told me about 2 years ago that he thought he was bi. It was extremely hard for me at the time and I always had in the back of my head he might be gay. I didn't have the strength then to do anything then but figured I could be in a MOM. Fast forward to now (2 years later) I've grown as a person, the resentment has gone away and during those 2 years I truly only wanted what's best for him and for him to be true to himself.

We recently separated (other personal struggles) and during that separation, he came out to me as gay. Is it bad I felt relief when he told me? We're now getting a divorce but he's still my best friend and we have supported each other so much in this process. Anyone else still best friends with their soon-to-be ex-husband? We feel like we're doing this all wrong, but this is what's helping us through the process. We do have boundaries and spend time apart and overall divorce is hard...but he's still my person. I feel as though we're closer than ever and that I've lost a husband, but gained a best friend. Anyone else feel this way or been through this? Is it bad?

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 26, 2021 10:17 pm

More power to you Coffeelover

If you can get through this and remain friends I call you luckier than many. The relief must be a good feeling

Elle

**Posted by Daryl** April 26, 2021 11:07 pm

There is nothing wrong with this, assuming you are both moving on with your lives and not staying stuck in place. Beware of some sadness or a bit of resentment if one of you starts moving faster than the other, otherwise, I wish you well.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** April 27, 2021 6:50 am

It is not bad that you felt relief after your husband's confession of his true sexuality.
Relief is the natural and reasonable reaction to the inevitable strains his hidden sexuality (he told you he was bisexual when he knew he was actually gay) introduced into your marriage. Despite your suspicion that your husband was gay (right, as it turned out), and despite the cost to yourself, you worked hard to support him.
Your soon-to-be-ex husband's honesty allows you to understand that you didn't fail, and it frees you to begin the transition from focusing on his needs (which you could never fully meet, and for which he himself must take responsibility) to focusing on your own.

I would, however, urge you to proceed through the divorce process with caution and to protect yourself financially. Don't let your good wishes and fond feelings for your husband lead you to accept less than what the law entitles you to.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 27, 2021 6:50 am)

**Posted by Rob** April 27, 2021 2:57 pm

I also urge caution.

Yes we all long to be friends with our exs at some level after separating.

But.. you are good friends now during the divorce? Fast forward 5 years..hes paying you no alimony, no retirement and he and his lover are living the high life while you are struggling to make ends meet. His friendship may not mean so much then.

Just saying you get one chance when you divorce to get what is morally right and the law allows (the two are not the same). Most of us are very traumatized and distraught when having to make such important decisions. Im not saying you can't be friends and divorce peacefully..just saying it's a financial process and friendship figuring into it may not be what is best for you in the future.

**Posted by SusanneH** April 27, 2021 3:20 pm

Sounds to me like you’re making the best out of a bad situation. I agree with Elle. You’re doing better than most if you can remain friends. Definitely be cautious, as others have stated, however since you’ve been together, and been close as a married couple there’s no reason you can’t be close.

Wishing you all the best.