I want to say before I get into it, I've been with a non-binary person before and I had no problem with it, I wanted to support them and I loved them despite what my family thought. I think that's part of the reason I feel guilty.

The person I'm with we're not dating, but we're not, not dating. We met over a year ago as what was supposed to be a simple hook-up. And we ended up spending a lot of time together over the course of 2 months. Then he broke it off because he found out I caught feelings. 

A few months after around February 2020 we ended up reconnecting and have been exclusive with each other ever since. I've had a past of very abusive relationships: physically, sexually, emotionally. With him I feel safe. For the past year though I've been struggling on and off with the fact that I do love him, and I don't know how he feels about me. We spend most of what free time we have together and he does a lot of little things for me that I appreciate. But he doesn't like relationships or labels. I'm a very anxious person and I need a lot of reassurance. I'm scared that if I mess up in any way he'll break it off again.

Lately there has been a shift in the way we are intimate. He had taken on a more dominant role for the past year for my preference, an emotional comfort. I had always sensed something was wrong though. I always asked questions to make sure he was okay. We have been slowly moving into a more balanced situation where I am trying to take a more dominant role. Which I am not a dominant person in any part of my life. 

Yesterday we had a bit of a disagreement/misunderstanding, and it ended up with him expressing dissatisfaction with me and wanting more dominance from me, and ultimately him telling me he experiences mild gender dysmorphia, he wished he presented as more feminine but he has a very male body, and that if he had been born 10-15 years later he probably would have come out as non-binary. 

I feel terrible because my first thought was not loving or supportive. I was upset and wished he never told me. And I don't even know why. I always thought I was pansexual/panromantic so it wouldn't matter to me, because I love him not his gender. I went into full support mode, we talked about clothes and makeup, and he asked for my help with both just to try them out and see if he likes it. But I can't shake this anxious feeling. I'm willing to go through whatever comes my way, and I'm willing to realize and accept all parts of who he is, because I love him and want to stay by his side. But I feel guilty.

I feel guilty for the negative thoughts I'm having and how selfish I feel about this. I know I should be supportive, but I'm scared of change, and whether or not this change will affect what we have negatively in the future. I feel guilty that now knowing how he feels, that I wish he never told me, I have passing thoughts that I wish he didn't feel that way. I'm scared that as he changes, he is going to change his mind about me again and leave me again. I feel like I'm a terrible person for being worried about myself so much when he is the one who needs my support.

Last edited by Anxious_Heart (April 21, 2021 2:16 pm)