OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Do you wish?

**Posted by Itsclem** April 15, 2021 7:32 am

Rob wrote:
No.

I can see how really badly she treated me..narcisstic. always made up drama and made up difficulties.
Another reason..how scary that if I got sick or injured she was capable of discarding me in an instant.

Capable of so much malevolent hurt.

I would never want to go back even if the gay was forgotten..there would be all the other immorals and hurt..that even if I was oblivious to would harm me. I can see now the lack of unconditional love that I received...to live in that again, even if oblivious..no I have too much self love and respect now. It's like I lived but had been joining her in hurting me.
To live that life again with an insatiable wife..it would kill me.

No, I thank God everyday for saving me from a marriage that was clearly broken ..my strong fierce love could not fix what was happening to me. I could not see it but he could.

wow, it’s almost like you’ve just read my mind, she still doesn’t realise how narcissistic her words, thoughts and selfish actions were. No good for anyone’s mental health let alone mine. Tried to support her but realised that I just wasn’t qualified to be her therapist.

**Posted by Rob** April 15, 2021 10:19 am

Itsclem

Yeah..my GX clearly didn't want marriage so marriage therapy was out. She could have used some therapy for her behavior but I don't think there is any therapist that can change a narcissist. I long ago came to conclusion she simply has a "broken moral core".

What I've seen here on the forum seems to be common.. you're in therapy, the kids are in therapy, the dog is in therapy..but not these spouses...nothing wrong with them.
They say you can recognize a narcissist by the path of the destruction they leave around them.

My life is so free from the made up drama and problems..I can look back and maybe not see the gay but the narcissism stands out from the very beginning. So glad to have gotten away from the abuse and hurt.

**Posted by Gloria** April 15, 2021 10:22 am

I have come to the realization that my partner is a narcissist. He hid that from me for a long time. I believe that he has no conscience-no sense of right or wrong.

**Posted by Carly1227** April 15, 2021 12:39 pm

Oh you guys! I'm loving this thread. Please continue to write more. I'm usually an activator, confrontational to a fault, but in this case I am so gutless. I found out for sure my spouse was gay/bi whatever but in denial 10 years ago. I haven't had the courage to move forward. I can make a million excuses about why but the truth is, I'm really feeling like such a loser. This is my 3rd husband! I have a grown son (from a previous marriage) who is living a happy, normal life and I don't have siblings. My parents are deceased and I just feel I have no safety net. And, if I'm honest, my pride - feeling of being a failure - not because of his sexual preference, but that I married him to begin with!

**Posted by Rob** April 15, 2021 3:07 pm

Carly,

But whether it's your 3rd or tenth marriage how were you to know he was gay. They can hide it so well. Don't beat yourself up. This is all them.

They make us feel like such losers..when in fact we're really the kindest and best people.. we don't lie, cheat, steal..we keep out promises.

No you are not a loser.

**Posted by Carly1227** April 15, 2021 8:54 pm

Rob wrote:
Carly,

But whether it's your 3rd or tenth marriage how were you to know he was gay. They can hide it so well. Don't beat yourself up. This is all them.

They make us feel like such losers..when in fact we're really the kindest and best people.. we don't lie, cheat, steal..we keep out promises.

No you are not a loser.

Thanks. I think I should have read some signs. I don't know. We were about 40 when we met. I attested to his sex drive to the fact that he married very young and was recently divorced after 20 yrs of marriage. I thought the sex drive was just the fact that he was already married when the rest of us were in college and being a little wild.

Looking back - that's what he led me to believe.

**Posted by MyExodus** April 16, 2021 10:59 am

Carly1227 wrote: " ... I don't have siblings. My parents are deceased and I just feel I have no safety net.

Ditto. My brother, the last of my family, passed from cirrhosis (yes, alcoholic) at the beginning of lockdown last year. Him needing me delayed my confronting the truth with my husband, for which I'm grateful as I was able to figure out the truths my STBX was hiding. Have yet to travel and bury my brother. No more family has me feeling like I'm adrift in the middle of the ocean in a dingy. That's where confiding in someone you can trust is so crucial. And get yourself a therapist who can help you sort it all out and validate your feelings.

Carly1227 wrote: "And, if I'm honest, my pride - feeling of being a failure - not because of his sexual preference, but that I married him to begin with!"

What your feeling is normal. Read the First Aid thread if you haven't yet. I am humiliated that I trusted him so long. I feel like a fool that he was lying to me from the beginning. It's not TGT, the gay thing, as much as it is the lying. We invest our lives and make ourselves vulnerable so we can have an authentic, adult relationship only to find out we have been lied to, gaslit, blamed and used. Don't count this as YOUR failure and don't let anyone else pin it on you either. It's HIS failure.

We had so many wonderful memories that are now tainted. I look at them and cannot discern what was real and what was theatre. It was all real to me. Some of the lies were so consistent. Sometimes I feel like I'm waking from a coma and looking at my marriage and saying, "What the..."

**Posted by Zenobia** April 19, 2021 2:39 pm

Yes. But in that I wish the the first time he flaked on a meet up early on I just let it go and never reached out to him again. Then I would have never fell for the fake persona he gave out for the first 3-4 years before leaving any hint of who he really was.