OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Feeling lost

**Posted by BCinNC** April 8, 2021 5:37 pm

My wife of 15 years came out that she believes she is a lesbian and wants a separation so that she can explore this while maintaining monogomy. In less than a week I've had the blinders pulled off of my eyes and had her elect to move out (she put a deposit on an apartment yesterday). We have two kids and its been everything I can do in order to keep it together. She waited until I had just quit my corporate job where I had a larger network of people and now its pretty much just the kids and I daily. I've had trouble sleeping and am just a mix of emotions hour to hour. It helps seeing these stories and I genuinely believe we could maintain the marriage if she was able to be monogomus which appears to be where we are at an impasse. I'm so lost as to what can drive someone to leave everything we have built over 15 years of marriage. We've discussed co-parenting and have been rather civil throughout the last week. I tried to broach the subject of us staying together through this and it seemed to ruin the night. Does anyone have advice on how those conversations went or how to deal with the multitude of lows experienced throughout the day?

**Posted by Julian_Stone** April 8, 2021 5:50 pm

God, I hate how similar these stories are. The rollercoaster of emotions you're experiencing is grief. It's excruciating now..but it will get better. Do you have someone you can talk to?

Last edited by Julian_Stone (April 9, 2021 8:02 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 8, 2021 7:47 pm

BCinNC wrote:
........................ I'm so lost as to what can drive someone to leave everything we have built over 15 years of marriage..............................

Selfishness and entitlement is what drives them. But more than that I believe there's often a kernel of confidence in them that tells them...since we married them, had children with them....we can surely accept their sexuality/gender issues

Elle

**Posted by Confused1976** April 8, 2021 8:35 pm

I too could relate to your pain. Not my exact situation but similar feelings that come up. The helplessness, the confusion, the dreams now dead.

Confused1976

**Posted by Rob** April 8, 2021 8:45 pm

BC,

I don't think we'll ever know how they can throw away everything that we've built. It's not something we can do ..its a foreign morality to us.

Read the first aid thread. I think the first to thing to do is breath and get your bearings..maintain status quo. Then slowly build a support system of people that can help you. Those kids need a strong dad and their mom through hurting you is clearing not thinking of them.

A warm welcome.

**Posted by Itsclem** April 9, 2021 6:34 am

BC, I concur with what Rob said, read and understand the first aid guide on here, it really will help you to understand the range of emotions that you are currently feeling.

I wouldn’t cast judgement on your spouse or you for that matter as some on here appear to offer support by running down your spouse, that’s no good for anyone.

what I would like to suggest is, if your spouse is amenable to counselling as a way forward in order for you both to clear a way forward with your collective jumble.

all the best, and take one day at a time my friend.

**Posted by Daryl** April 9, 2021 8:04 am

Unless you both have the same goal, that type of conversation will, unfortunately, likely go nowhere. It's normal to experience a wash of feelings as she gets on with her exciting new life and you feel like you're left holding the bag. I highly recommend you seek some counseling to help you through this adjustment. Make sure to look out for your own interests. It's great if you can co-parent effectively and otherwise keep things civil but don't be too generous in what you offer, just be fair. I would also suggest you gain some legal opinions on how you've proceeded so far, what separation means in your jurisdiction, general rules around child support, visitation, family assets, etc. Collect knowledge so that you can be prepared for anything that happens. Take care - lots of people here to listen and offer their thoughts.

**Posted by BCinNC** April 9, 2021 8:25 am

Thanks all. I will look into the aid section and plan on seeking counseling. Of course this happened 2 weeks after I quit my corporate job to be at home more and be more involved in our two businesses. As such I have to wait another month before the health insurance kicks in so it’s just a matter of time. Reading here and knowing I’m not alone has certainly helped in knowing I’m not alone and these feelings are normal. I doubt I will ever know how or why she can walk away but I know as a child of divorce how vital it is to have great parents and that remains my #1 goal. All I can do at the moment is appreciate each day and work towards healing more each day. Thanks!

**Posted by Blue Bear** April 9, 2021 9:59 am

My story is similar. I was married to my ex-wife for 14 years, and we had three kids. Yet this was when she started her secret, same-sex affair with a family friend, which I discovered in March 2019 after it had been ablaze for a year. Like you, I also wanted to keep it together.

With regard to your question about how the conversations went, I'll say "extraordinarily poorly". My ex-wife was in the process of shedding the fake life she had built in favor of her lesbian identity. I was an impediment to her moving on to her shiny new life (i.e., the life she should have pursued had she not been a coward), and she was downright hostile to me. Almost immediately after I discovered her affair, she said she wanted a divorce, loved her girlfriend more than me, wanted a trial separation to "figure things out", and identified a laundry list of my "faults" that drove her to have a same-sex affair. It was utter madness for me and the kids.

You are dealing with so many lows because it's a harrowing experience to watch the person who you loved and trusted the most willingly destroy the life you built with her, a life that you now know was fake. I dealt with the lows by sharing my story with family and friends (including the people in this forum), therapy, medical intervention, doing things for myself and my kids, and distancing myself from my ex-wife. I made it. You will, too.

I give this advice often, but it's far better for your kids to be from a broken home than to continue living in one. Your kids will rely upon you to model a proper loving adult relationship, which is something that you just can't do with your wife. You can't save a marriage by yourself. I promise that peace and happiness exist on the other side of this.