I second Daryl's comments.

I don't want to burst your bubble, and indeed you may have "caught a break," but it's not unusual for a spouse who announces they aren't straight to stick their toe in the water of gay/lesbian/bi/trans but when faced with the consequences of their declaration if they follow through (public coming out, loss of spouse, change in family life, social life, etc) to back track to us, their "safety school" rather than their aspirational one.

So, as you watch to see how her actions match her words, take steps to protect yourself.  Watch your finances, for example.  And don't let yourself and your relationship get marginalized--don't allow yourself to shrink or make your needs smaller and smaller--as she expands her contact with women.   If you're having good conversations, it wouldn't be a bad idea to discuss with her what concrete actions and steps you two can take to ensure you feel safe and your relationship is getting the care it needs.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 20, 2021 10:07 am)

I am so sorry this has happened to you. But dude - listen to what she is saying - she is telling you she prefers women.  The tragic fact is that she can't love you the way you love her.  My advice is to call it quits before there is more at stake, ie kids and many years of struggle to make it work.  The longer you invest the harder it will be.  Give yourself a chance to find a straight woman who can love you the way you want/need to be loved.  I spent 25 years with a closeted gay man, wondering why I didn't feel desired, and why he was so abusive to me. He came out to our 5 kids (not to me,mind) just after after our divorce was final 2 years ago.

I've been feeling good about everything again. Is there really no way for this to work?

The short answer is no, there is no way for this to work - it is women she is interested in - you're her Gucci handbag.

I bet instinctively you know the feeling good you are experiencing now will not last very long. 

Talking with your family. reconnecting with old friends will give you some independent ground.  

Last edited by lily (March 22, 2021 6:03 pm)

Jstevens:
   I think the reason it seems as if people are dashing your hopes is that many of us experienced a kind of resurgence of hope after disclosure, when our spouses were sharing their innermost selves with us and relieved to be speaking the truth, and we were feeling their happiness in doing so, and expressing our love for them.  This closeness after disclosure is common enough to have a name: it's called "the honeymoon period." 

   As Daryl says, maintaining that closeness and that hope you can make your marriage "work" is a much dicier thing, and it is to a very large degree out of our hands.  We can't, through wanting it to work, and working hard ourselves--to help our spouses come out, to find counselors, to be sensitive to their emotions and changes, all things non-straight spouses arguably must do themselves--do it alone.  Our non-straight spouses must work as hard as we do.  Too often, our non-straight spouses are, understandably, fully engaged with their own struggles to become what they've declared they are, and all too often, our needs are not only not acknowledged or met, but actively discounted or ridiculed.  What a lot of us discover is that we've been the care-takers of our spouses all along, and our marriages have been less than equal in that respect. 

Daryl says "it comes down to how committed she is to you."  I want to emphasize that, especially the YOU part.  How committed she is to staying married, to maintaining life as she has it, is not the same as being committed to you.  

 It's also important to realize that her feelings--about you, about your marriage, about her life--are going to evolve and change as she explores and begins to act on what she has revealed to you; yours, too, will change, in response to her changes and actions, and as you are able to think beyond this first crisis period to what you want for yourself and your life.  

While it's understandable that what you want is to sigh with relief and sink into reassurance that your life will not change and your marriage will be secure, what we are saying is that you need to keep your eyes open, and to hold her to account in terms not of what she says, but what she does.

  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 23, 2021 7:59 am)