OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / My gay husband wants to stay living as a family for now! What do I do?

**Posted by Whatwillbe21** February 12, 2021 4:53 am

Thanks guys. I've come to the decision that I could not see other ppl while living in the same house. And I'm happy to stay together till we sort out finances out and I want it doing quickly as we both need to move on. X

**Posted by Daryl** February 12, 2021 8:54 am

I hope that is a mutual agreement. (about seing other people in the short-term)

Last edited by Daryl (February 12, 2021 8:55 am)

**Posted by Whatwillbe21** February 12, 2021 10:32 am

We are talking about it this weekend. And I'm going to tell him that I'm not ok with it while we are under the same roof.

**Posted by Rob** February 12, 2021 3:31 pm

I will say my GX carried on her affair while we still lived together..had the girlfriend over constantly..was very upset I was in the way and she had no privacy with her friend.
It's not a life I'd recommend to anyone. At the same time we should not have to flee our homes.

Wishing you strength and courage.

**Posted by Blue Bear** February 15, 2021 5:09 pm

Rob wrote:
I will say my GX carried on her affair while we still lived together..had the girlfriend over constantly..was very upset I was in the way and she had no privacy with her friend.
It's not a life I'd recommend to anyone. At the same time we should not have to flee our homes

I survived and endured this, too. My ex-wife and her girlfriend were together ALL THE TIME, both before and after I blew the cover off of their affair. It was a soul crushing experience. Do everything you can to avoid it from happening to you.

**Posted by Epiphany** February 19, 2021 12:24 pm

It can make sense if you two are in an amicable spot. You could silently have a deadline in your own head though...like tell yourself you’ll do it for 6-12 months to help everyone adjust to their new reality. I would give you time to prepare for divorce as well. If you can’t stand being around him, it might cause more strife though. I’ve already thought that if it ends up my husband is gay rather than bisexual (he’s going to counseling to figure that out), that I would probably stay in this house with him as long as I could just because we are amicable and best friends. This is now just a very painful scary situation for us rather than an angry one. It would be nice if we could stay in it until it sells (if that’s the route we take...still trying to work it out) so we had that money from it. I say do what’s in your heart..but use your brain about what’s best too and I’d definitely talk to a lawyer before doing anything like moving out cause it can affect a divorce case.

- Epiphany

**Posted by phoenix** February 19, 2021 1:31 pm

Does cohabitating benefit you? Do the "pro's" outweigh the "con's"? Be selfish in this decision.. selfish for you and for your kids.. if keeping him around is better for now, then do it. Do not take his desire into consideration.. he wants to have his cake and eat it too..

**Posted by broomhilda2** March 3, 2021 3:43 am

@Whatwillbe21
Unfortunately, I'm in the same situation as you except that I've been dealing with it for a year. We're not "dating" others or anything but still trying to figure out what to do since we're both not in a place to live on our own financially. We live in Los Angeles and the housing prices are nuts. Living in a converted garage costs $1500 to rent and I'm not going to force my son to have to give up having a decent home because his dad was a jerk to me.

We tried going to counseling together for a few weeks just because I had totally shut down & couldn't talk to him in person, which wasn't healthy for my son to be exposed to. My ex kept bringing up "family" and wanting to save it or trying to guilt me about hurting our son by ruining our "family"... In counseling, it was good to have a 3rd party call him out on his bs once in a while and it got us talking & negotiating a little bit. I saw the therapist on the side one time and she suggested that we need time away from each other to process the separation & our feelings. She mentioned one of her clients takes turns leaving the house for a week at a time with their ex. So you would leave for a week and then he would leave for a week and then the kids stay in the home and don't have to deal with being shuffled around... this is an interesting idea but won't exactly work for me right now. I mention it to you since it's a very new situation - perhaps you could suggest that your husband leave for a month (to a relative's house or something) so you can have some time to process your feelings without him trying to manipulate you in any way. Maybe at the end of the month, he doesn't get to come back...

Shutting down and not talking to my husband was the only way I could "be alone" and once I stepped back from the situation, I started to realize all the ways he manipulated me.

He is trying to have it all right now but you are the one who needs care. You are the priority.
Feel free to message me if you want.
~broom

Last edited by broomhilda2 (March 3, 2021 3:45 am)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 3, 2021 2:11 pm

broomhilda2 wrote:
......Shutting down and not talking to my husband was the only way I could "be alone" and once I stepped back from the situation, I started to realize all the ways he manipulated me.....

Ditto Broom.....I was always the one asking, begging often, for communication. It was always "too late at night, I'm tired" or "I've got to get to work" or "you talk....yes of course I'm listening" And then there were the times he'd storm off, even once leaping from the bath we were in. At the end of 3 years attempting to get him to talk about us I simply stopped trying and would you know....it hasn't made a damn difference. He doesn't seem to be bothered by it. But it's improved my life considerably. I am so much calmer. I've thought back to those times when I'd pester him to open up and seen the way he'd reacted (derisively, harshly, unfeeling) for what it was. Actually doing my self-esteem no good and making my world even more miserable...
And what kind of man does that to the woman he supposedly loves? A manipulator that's who..

Elle