OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Feels like a dream

**Posted by Jason** February 8, 2021 4:11 pm

Ever since my wife of 21 years told me last year that she was gay and that our marriage as we know it is all but over, every day has felt like I’m living some else’s life. None of this has felt real.

Does it ever start to feel real? Even talking about it to others feels like I’m not speaking about me or my life. Nothing is recognizable not even myself. Most days I spend my time trying to make sense of this and where do I from here. How do I move on, how do you start over? I’m 45 and always felt my marriage was the one thing in life I thought was the one thing I never had to worry about, that we were always on the same page.

I came across this site a few months ago and it’s nice to not feel so alone and I’m thankful for that. This is such a unique situation that I’ve found the few people I’ve told aren’t sure what to say and struggle to give any advice.

**Posted by LostAtSea** February 8, 2021 4:29 pm

Hi Jason,

I totally understand where you are coming from. I found out last year that my husband (together for 16 and married for 11) came out as a bi-transwoman. You can read my story online.

I feel like everyday I'm in a twilight zone! And I ask myself how the F did I get here? I feel like I'm on the Jerry Springer show.

It's the calculated, suppressed deceitful ways our "spouses" have treated and thought about us in our marriages. I find that those individuals (family or friends) who listen and support, then get tired of hearing about it. It takes someone in our shoes to feel and understand the hurt, pain, loss and emotional roller coaster we go through.

Please know you are among a support group who are awesome and really here for you to lean on.

I too am in my 40's and would have bet WWIII instead of finding out this news. Never in a million years I would have thought this and considered my marriage as solid and "perfect" as one could be. I trusted him with my LIFE and my HEART, but all that love has tarnished with his disgusting and unacceptable behavior. Now I need to rethink my life and direction since he ALTERED it b/c now his life mattered more and couldn't live a lie!

It's been 2+ months for me and I'm trying to move on and not dwell on "what could" have been bc the life I had was a lie with someone who was not truthful. What has helped me is I had removed EVERYTHING that reminds me of my stbx. Every picture, card, souvenir etc. Also helps to think about where you want to go? Sit down and make a list. Think about where you were BEFORE you met and how you life was then and what would you change now? Pick up a new hobby, learn a new skill, make new friends (like on this forum).

You WILL pick up the pieces and the new you will come out on top. Be kind to yourself.

Last edited by LostAtSea (February 8, 2021 6:17 pm)

**Posted by Blue Bear** February 8, 2021 5:15 pm

What you are going through is normal. Your life doesn't feel real because your wife isn't who you thought she was, and your marriage wasn't what you thought, either. These were among the most important things in your life, and you've discover they are fake.

My life started to feel real again when I started to rebuild it. I have my own house and my own things. The assets and time with the children were negotiated and divided. And I've been dating a beautiful straight woman for 1.5 years. The things in my life are real, and it feels great!

The only way to start over is to start over. There's no secret formula. You just have to do it. The hard work is painful and time-consuming, but it's worth it. For starters, consult with an attorney. Good luck.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 8, 2021 6:11 pm

Blue Bear wrote:
.,..The only way to start over is to start over..........

I couldn't have said it any better BB

Elle

**Posted by Toward the Light** February 8, 2021 7:40 pm

Being here is a start. Welcome. Connecting with others who have been through this specific betrayal starts the inch-by-inch, day-by-day healing process. I discovered my ex’s secret CD’ing wardrobe in 2012, 24 years after he vowed to “love, honor and cherish” me, and 3 sons later. I had to separate—in 2014– and in 2016 we divorced after marriage counseling and a mediation. I was under so much stress my hair was falling out. I didn’t want to self-destruct so I learned to practice daily self-care, self-affirmation, and stopped blaming myself. I’m a really good person who deserves abundance. I’m here today to tell you, as BB did, the life I’ve built is a peaceful one. I’ve been seeing a very sweet, nurturing man who I’m learning to trust. I have a job I love. I got here by doing the next indicated “thing” on any given day, like “chop wood, carry water.” It has been well worth learning to heal myself from within, controlling only what is within my power to control. You have more strength within you than you know. You will rise up. We’ll be here to help. May you find peace.

**Posted by Beijoux** February 8, 2021 8:31 pm

Hi Towardsthelight,
You are giving me hope. I feel very lonely, not appreciated, thrown away after 29 years, although we are still friends, but I am so worried that no one will lever love me again... I went on a dating website, and after 3 days, of high levels of enxiety and low-selfworth, just cancelled it again...

**Posted by Jason** February 8, 2021 10:34 pm

Thank you everyone I appreciate your wisdom. Beijoux I feel the same way you do and I have the same fears.

**Posted by stevo** February 9, 2021 6:04 pm

Yes Beijoux, I feel the same as you. I'm 51 and feels like I have to start all over again. I am feeling better, so life will happen again. Jason, my wife of 22 years dropped it on me almost 7 months ago. I was numb for about 4 months, things DO get better, it takes time. One day at a time.

**Posted by Beijoux** February 9, 2021 7:00 pm

I found this very good article:
https://www.verywellmind.com/if-your-spouse-is-gay-2300962

So much to think about, to do, and not to do...but worth reading...

**Posted by Beijoux** February 9, 2021 7:08 pm

Jason, I absolutely get what you are saying, feeling this is happening to someone else NOT ME. Yes, my marriage was the one thing to me that works out well, or so I thought... Reading the article, above, and the book I mentioned before, definitely helps, and going to counseling too. I guess, I can't make decisions in a flash.
And Stevo, so yes, I agree, this takes time, we still live together in the same house, divorce not even sorted yet, but I took my ring off too, at the beginning of January 2021. There's nothing left. I can't be too bothered. This is unreal, why now? At this stage of my life, why not earlier?