My suggestion is to take the money saved for the big wedding and get out of this marriage now you know what you know. He has struggled with this "his whole life" and you "never imagined being married to a woman."  From my perspective your future as spouses - let alone as parents - does not look bright.

If he has told you that he is "trans" believe that he will be more open about living it now you know, and it will get expensive. If he starts taking female hormones he will change physically. Breasts will develop but he also probably will have lowered sperm counts and difficulty getting an erection. He could freeze his sperm but storage can get expensive and you are looking into a time-consuming and stressful way of getting pregnant. And the cost for his new clothes, accessories and makeup will add up fast, even if he does not want surgery.

Stay friends if you wish but it probably will be better for you to just make a clean break and surround yourself with people who are comfortable with who they are. Life does not have to be this complicated.

I am the ex-wife of a man who also declared he was transgendered.  When he first dropped his trans bomb, I, too, asked similar large questions about our future.  However, because I had yet no experience of the nitty-gritty specifics of living with a man who wanted to become a transwoman, I could not ask questions that are much more to do with everyday interactions.  I did not yet know what it would feel like to see my husband adopt feminine mannerisms or adopt new attitudes, especially about gender.  My ex gendered everything!  He decided that "women are shorter than men" and wanted me to give him the feeling of being shorter, so he asked me to stand on the stairs to kiss him. I did yet know how envious and resentful he would become of my female-ness, and the way that his envy and resentment would turn into a relentless attention to every slight and insecurity he had, and how I would not be able to do anything as simple as complain about a bad haircut without hearing something like "I wish I had your hair!", and my offhand remark become yet one more opportunity to comfort and reassure him.  

Here are a few more questions to add to your list of questions:  How will I feel when my now-husband no longer wants to be called by the name I knew him as for years?  How will I react when my now-husband wants me to "teach him" how to woman, or starts to act as if he knows more about what it is like to be a woman than I do?  Will I feel sexual desire for my now-husband after he grows breasts?  How will I react when my now-husband starts acting in a coy manner?  Will I be satisfied with a sex life that no longer includes penis-in-vagina sex (not because he can't, but because he won't), and in which my now-husband asks me to treat him as if he were female in bed?  How will you feel when your husband declares himself--and you--to be in a lesbian relationship, or, supposing your husband decides that he wants the validation that he is "really" a woman wants to hook up with or seek romantic attention from men?  

 I echo Abby's comments that by far the best thing you can do for yourself and for your future is to walk out of this marriage now.  A man who is transitioning has no time for anyone or anyone else, and that includes having any empathy for you and whatever feelings you may be having about his transition.  You are young and have the opportunity for a rich life before you that does not include catering to a wanna be transgender woman who did not have enough respect for you and enough honesty to tell you before he married you that this is who he is.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 3, 2021 7:03 pm)

I echo the advice to get out now.  It will only get worse and the longer you stay the more likely you are to be manipulated.  And you really don't want to either bring children into the mix or be denied the ability to have them if he starts HRT.

I was completely blindsided after almost 16 years of marriage and two adolescent children with my husband's transbomb.  

Mich0827,

Not having been through this, I can’t share personal experiences, however I am married to a bisexual man, and I can tell you that it’s hard enough without him being transgender. I hadn’t known so many of the details until recently,, and after reading the different changes that happen when they change genders seems it would be next to impossible to stay being a ‘wife’ to them being a ‘woman’. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this and having all your dreams crushed like this. I’m pro-marriage, however I couldn’t see staying married to another woman, as I am straight, and need to be married to a man, or not married at all. Wish I had a better outlook. Of course, always do what YOU want.
I wish you all the best in this awful situation.
((((HUGS))))