Finally , I did it! I calmly confronted him . We parked after getting coffee. He didn’t deny anything , just didn’t explain .  We held hands almost the whole time. No crying  for me, his eyes in shock . Too much to get in , he said ... I felt calm the whole time.

Long way home.  For him to actually hear me ... was better than expected. He tend to leave and avoid confrontation .  We began with a prayer , then i started talking about how I felt something is wrong ... he has that familiar look in him  about 15 years ago , when I discovered about his gay tendency ( but no sexual  contact that time). He admitted it being an going struggle . I stated the facts I found .. bill statement with grinder app fee, hotel charge ; then the labs result I saw.  I mentioned that I worry about his health with this practice ( without accusing .... )  I assured him that God loves him anyway .  He may have gay  desires but he could always behave differently though it is difficult.
Also  He said he is - for hiv. He even admitted that he is supposed to meet someone after he drops me off to  work.,, he  couldn’t lie .., but did not expand much when I asked how grinder app works ... he just said it’s too much information.
I feel empowered now that he knows I know .. He is still processing ....
one day at a time ....

Maya wrote:

........ It’s not my secret to tell but I need to talk to someone. I invited him . But he does not want to talk about it to anyone. .

It's not your closet he's got you in either..it's his!

That's how my partner reacted to counselling too. Thought it was totally negative and used to "get at him". But when you think about it your husband already knows who he is, what secret he holds. You don't need him there, it will change the dynamic of just about everything you say. 

Good luck on Tuesday...Elle

Maya, 

Hi, just one more point from a wife of a bisexual man who is terrified of anyone finding out about him.
You aren’t going out in the front yard and yelling ‘him out’. And, it isn’t like you’re going to all his friends and family, either. It’s a counselor/therapist, who will keep it confidential. It’s something he/she needs to know to be able to help you. I know when I first went to a therapist, it was a tough decision at first to tell her, but I realized she wouldn’t be able to completely analyze the situation, etc, without knowing all the details.

Best of luck! We’re also starting a new therapist this week, only this time will be a couples’ counselor, as we’ve each been to individual sessions and feel we’ve gone as far as we can for now. We have to get control over the constant picking at each other & starting arguments over “not much of nothin’ “....

(((((HUGS))))) and strength to you this week.

Maya wrote:

I have been asking myself .... Why does he not want counseling? And yet he does want to reveal his identity. Now that he knows that I know his encounters , what is he thinking? He is quite overwhelmed about the info I revealed to him .

If he were my husband, I’d be thinking he wouldn’t want to go because there is more to come out, and he’d be ‘trapped’ and have to come out with it. It probably scares him shitless. ...just my opinion. May be totally wrong. Hope I am.