OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Stay the course, friends

**Posted by Deceivedandsad** January 29, 2021 11:29 am

Maya, Elle, and everyone else who I identify with...
Stay strong.
Your thoughts and struggles seem to be keeping me alive - Just knowing other people are in the same place as me.
It's so helpful.

I screwed up. This is my third time around - I should have just taken the kids and left. But I decided to confront and engage... and now I am being sucked back in by anger and guilt and pressure...
Not sure I will ever be able to be happy again - so just praying that I can make it through one more hour... one more day...

But thank you all for being here. Truly, this is a life line.

**Posted by SusanneH** January 29, 2021 11:49 am

D&S,

Is there anything you want to talk about?

It sounds like you’re in a really bad place, and most of us can identify with that for sure! I know feeling like you’ll never be happy again. I’ve been through many of those days myself. Life, even though it has had pitfalls in the past, has never been like what we go through when we have to deal with all of this. I’ve had all kinds of things in my life to overcome: 3 miscarriages (and, not able to have children; at 30 got a lifelong illness & became totally disabled at 38; 1st husband was alcoholic w/violent tendencies *not toward me, thank goodness* & he sobered up after 10 yrs of marriage; 1st husband passed away just after I turned 50; ...and, I know there’s more, however NOTHING compared to this, not even my 1st husband’s death.

My current husband cheated on me our entire relationship until May, 2019 after I finally ‘caught’ him with enough information that he had to admit it. We’ve been working on reconciling ever since. He quit seeing men, which is the ONLY reason we’re still together. It’s been (& still is) a hard road.......a LOT of arguing. It seems like EVERYTHING sets one of us off .... and, I’m just waiting for him to ‘slip’ again. I’m totally monogamous, and just can NOT change, so if he does, we’ll have to split.

Anyway, that’s a little about me. If you want to share, please do.......it helps.

((((HUGS))))

**Posted by Deceivedandsad** January 30, 2021 8:46 am

Hi Susanne- thank you for your reply and encouragement.

I just feel... like a weak, easily manipulated, and a coward...

Why can’t I just leave, and why do I keep wanting to believe him when he says this “isn’t who he is” and that he’s “still the man I married, just flawed”?

I just feel like I am doomed.

**Posted by Rob** January 30, 2021 9:53 am

D&S,
"..I just feel... like a weak, easily manipulated, and a coward..."

No. Just no.

You are not weak. You are not a coward.

You love fiercely and honestly. You have empathy and feel. You endure hurt and still love.

You are stronger than he can ever imagine.

Do what you have the strength to do . know that your best is good enough.

**Posted by lily** January 30, 2021 10:41 am

being married to a deceptive person is like looking into a mirror that lies.

it's debilitating. I remember at one point saying to myself at your weakest is when you must be your strongest. it's tough. but we really are strong as Rob says.

The thing that resonated so much in your post for me is that pang of regret for not leaving earlier - I can so relate. Now that I can look back and I did leave, I have a good feeling.

**Posted by SusanneH** January 30, 2021 11:04 am

D&S,
”I just feel weak, easily manipulated and a coward”

That’s understandable, however you know you aren’t because you are still kicking. We go through so much with all of this that you have to be strong just to get through the day sometimes.

It’s so hard to actually make the final decision to walk out the door (or, have him walk). It’s so....’final’. But, if you’re constantly unhappy, it could be the best thing for peace and happiness for you. No one can make that decision except you. I’ve thought about it many times myself, and then he’ll get nice again. At least he isn’t acting out any more. That is considered a ‘deal breaker’ for me. All these other things, like the constant arguing, aren’t so black & white; just irritating ....and, I think that it could be peaceful not being together. Lately, he’s been saying we’re ‘toxic’ to each other, and he’s right. We haven’t had one day go by this week that we haven’t argued over something (usually stupid). But, it’s just arguments, so hoping they’ll get better. It’s not to easy to say: okay, if we don’t stop arguing by ..Tuesday.... BUT, if TGT raises it’s head and he goes out after a man, it’ll be an easy decision. That’s just me. I’ve been through it already and won’t do it again.

I wish you the best in your situation. Please do what’s best for YOU.

(((((HUGS)))))

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** January 30, 2021 11:07 am

Deceived and Sad,
Lily has it right: "being married to a deceptive person is like looking into a mirror that lies."
It's also the case that living for years with a manipulative person who is deceiving you, himself, and the world, and working hard to keep his deceptive view of himself, and to keep you in line, is demoralizing. It's abuse; as Omar Minwalla says. (If you don't know his work, look him up. Here's one place to start:
https://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/blog/)
Only after I left my now-ex did I realize the extent to which living with him for 35 years had conditioned me in ways that made me question my self and see myself as lesser than I am.
You aren't weak. Living in the situation you have been requires strength. The task now is to take the strength you've developed from coping with the situation at home and apply it to changing the situation. That requires a shift in perspective and attention from your partner to yourself. One way to do this is to stop listening to what he says and pay attention to what he does. Those who are desperate to keep their beards and the pretense of a straight life will say whatever they think will keep you in line; they're masters at manipulation. Doing so will help shift your thinking from, as Abby put it, "what you can tolerate" ("how you can live with it") to "what you want for yourself."

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 30, 2021 11:07 am)

**Posted by Deceivedandsad** February 3, 2021 9:58 pm

I have KNOWN about all of this for over a decade... he actually threw it in my face, saying I have stayed this long, and I have known!

I went back saying that maybe after 10 years, or the fact that I SHOULD have known for 14, just maybe I am ready to finally move on.

After reading SO MUCH, and reading about trauma and abuse, I really relate to it all! I told him this, too. And he got MAD that I would accuse him of abuse. He would NEVER abuse me.

Right. But lie to me time after time, and from the very beginning..? Sure.
A line I just heard in a TV show- “You took away my choice.” Yes!! That’s exactly what happens. And he doesn’t seem to see why that’s a big deal.

**Posted by Daryl** February 4, 2021 12:21 am

Also sounds like a bit of blame-shifting going on.

Abuse isn't just physical in nature. It can also be emotional.
There's a pretty good list of signs to watch out for on this page.
https://www.wikihow.com/Identify-an-Abusive-Marriage

**Posted by Rob** February 4, 2021 5:30 pm

D&S,
It is abuse. As Daryl said..just because they are not physically hitting us doesn't mean they are not screaming, lying, hiding things, throwing things..etc.

As example..the silent treatment is emotional abuse.

I had to have stranger..my psychiatrist tell me I was abused before it really dawned on me. Most of us don't think of our spouse as anything other than a friend and confidant.