OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Help!

**Posted by Maya** January 21, 2021 1:01 pm

I’m new at this support group. I found out my husband is bisexual about 15 years ago, we almost divorced then but both of us reconciled since he had not have actual sexual encounter with another man, mostly cyberporn, sex toys. We had 3 kids after that reconciliation. But mid 2020 , I found aSTD lab tests , which are all neg (-) when I was checking our annual blood works. I asked him about it , said it was just for pre procedure . Just recently , while I was going through our mail and bills, I saw a charge for a hotel in December using his own debit card , I was working on that day it got charged. Furthermore, I notice him holding his phone wherever he goes even just at home, or place it in his pocket. I tease him about it, he says just watching you tube. Then one night when he was asleep, I saw his phone lit up, so I was about to turn it off and saw sexual photos and text messages with another man. Now, I am sure he had repeatedly have sexual encounters , not sure if they same man. He doesn’t know yet that I know about this encounters. I cannot sleep , cannot concentrate at work. Please Help!

**Posted by SusanneH** January 21, 2021 1:29 pm

Maya,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s what most of us who are married to bisexuals worry about.... My husband had sex with men 15+years, our entire relationship, until I finally got him to admit it 6/1/19. I had no idea anything was going on until 3/2018 when I saw a nude photo of a man on his iPad (a CL ad, men seeking men). From 3/18-6/19, I searched his devices-with his knowledge- and found SO much- porn, dating sites, emails to men. He lied to me 16 months while I found this—lied straight to my face - I think that was almost as bad as the cheating as far as losing the trust goes. Until I found something he couldn’t get out of. He then admitted to only one of the men, having met him at the local porn video store. They went into the back rooms & had oral sex. It was strictly sexual, nothing emotional, as he’s not interested in that at all. He didn’t even know the guy’s last name, and they’d been meeting there for 2 years. All the men were just casual hook-ups. He quit the month before I found out. If he had continued, he’d be gone. I originally asked him to leave, but my head was spinning so badly, I knew it wasn’t a good time to make decisions, so we stayed together and are trying to work it out.

The main thing for you right now is to remember that it doesn’t all have to be solved right away. take a deep breath. It’s up to you how you want to handle it. For me, I had to confront him right away because I can’t stand unanswered questions. Unfortunately, he didn’t help that much, as I originally got lies, and a lot of “I don’t remember’s” and “I don’t know’s”. But, I don’t give up easily. Finally, when he would only admit to the one guy, and he realized I was serious about a polygraph, he admitted to having sex with men the entire time (he’s been doing it since his early teens. He identifies as bisexual, not gay since he likes sex with women as well).
What you’re feeling right now is totally normal. Be good to yourself and also remember YOU didn’t do anything to cause this.
Post any time you want & feel free to ask/say anything you need. And, it does get better, no matter the outcome.

((((HUGS))))))

**Posted by Maya** January 21, 2021 1:55 pm

I actually just saw a sex text chain last night . Didn’t sleep at all, but have to be up to do errands . My son said that he noticed I look different .I Didn’t say anything . My husband woke up for work and realized that I didn’t sleep at all , so he massaged my head till he get ready for work . He is sweet, generous and this bi/ gay part of him is just a part of him. He always say he loves me and I’m too good . He attempted suicide before about 15 years ago when he realized his sexual preference . Then this coming June is our 25th anniversary, he said we will have garden ceremony for renewal of vows. I accepted him as bi/ gay but him having actual encounters ... this is betraying my trust .

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 21, 2021 2:32 pm

Maya wrote:
I actually just saw a sex text chain last night ....,....
He is sweet, generous and this bi/ gay part of him is just a part of him. He always say he loves me and I’m too good ........
I accepted him as bi/ gay but him having actual encounters ... this is betraying my trust .

You're in a tug-of-war like I am Maya, pulled both ways by what is essentially the two separate parts of a man who wants to keep them both. "Sweet and generous" may be his method of keeping those 2 halves separate

You have to decide which half of him YOU want to
keep, whether you can live with both or live with neither. As well you have to be stronger because to make those decisions takes more will-power than you have right now

Elle

**Posted by Rob** January 21, 2021 7:33 pm

Maya,

So sorry. I can say the destruction of my marriage was funded, facilitated and orchestrated by my GXs cellphone.

The stress and anxiety, the mistrust you feel is real..it can eat you up..it made me shake. It is a subtle form of abuse.

No doubt he will tell you its nothing or say its private and scold you for touching his phone..

Look if you must..but I found I had to stop..I knew I would find just more bad stuff.

Gather strength..start with the first aid thread.

**Posted by Epiphany** January 21, 2021 8:08 pm

Hi Maya. We are in the exact same boat. I slept two hours last night because I was busy finding all my husband’s online relationships. Today he’s deleted and deleting them all. He is to give me his phone whenever as well as his code. He wants to still try, move forward and go to counseling.

Rob, what you said about cellphones, point on, the shaking..,I was shaking so bad last night.

This mistrust is the biggest issue, I believe my husband understands now that I want nothing but honesty, even if it means splitting. There’s so much on the line with the kids. My 18 year old asked me why I looked so exhausted today too. I can eat...lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks, that’s including a trip to Vegas.

I’m this with you,
Epiphany

**Posted by Maya** January 23, 2021 10:36 am

It’s the 4th day . I was able to sleep at least 5 hours on day 2 and day 3, my body and mind must just be aching and exhausted thinking about this. I remained calm , haven’t said anything to him. Now , trying to find my support among friends and family . All my friends are his friends too , I cannot tell them yet about his secret , so I was only able to tell my oldest sister . I’m in search of a counselor at least for myself .

I am searching through cellphone logs for calls and text messages , I keep finding more “ bad stuff” as Rob mentioned . So should I stop looking? As Ephipany says , there ‘s so much on the line with kids... very true that I would rather take the burden then them .

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and support... this has been very helpful.

**Posted by Julian_Stone** January 23, 2021 11:13 am

This situation is (no doubt) a million times harder when there are children involved...and there is infidelity on top of the deception. I will never understand how someone can treat the mother/father of their children this way...and blow up the entire family because of their own cowardice and selfishness.

I am glad you're getting support for yourself. I don't know how anyone goes through this alone.

**Posted by Rob** January 23, 2021 4:24 pm

Maya,

Hey yes the anxiety and mistrust. It knaws at you...permeates everything ...the gayness just makes it more horrible.
We have basically cheating spouses..be they cheating with a man or woman. They put something above us..hid it not matter the cost or hurt to us. There is a certain arrogance to it..at least with my GX..she felt so sure in the beginning she had knowledge I didn't have. So sickly amused by my hurt when she went out with her girlfriend.

You can hack and snoop away as I did.. maybe it reinforces what you know..many here crave to know. It certainly gave me motivation to get help and build my support system.. because she was not going to help me. It helped to sometimes know what she was doing and thinking (horrible things).
But at some point all it did was traumatize me further. It became not beneficial once I knew we were divorcing.. i.e. her texting away while we ate dinner...who is she texting now..we all know who...what is she texting..could be good..could be bad..doesnt matter anymore she is not conversing with me or the kids.

Snoop away I say..but also know when its hurting you more than helping. Build your support system and know you did nothing wrong.

**Posted by Maya** January 24, 2021 9:08 am

He went out early for gym just now . I suggested maybe I should go with him since I am already awake. He said nothing . I knew for sure he is meeting someone because I found out yesterday a message on his phone that the man he is seeing is from out of state, and just arrived last night at the airport. I can’t shed a tear, but my heart is pounding. I am tempted to follow him,but I am not ready to confront him.
Last night before we slept , he took my hand and placed it on his neck as though he is making my hand strangle him , he said , “ just do it now” . He always “jokes “ about it, but I know how conflicted he is . I can see in his eyes how sad , troubled he is. He had same expression about 15 years ago when we almost separated .

Taking one day at a time to build my strength and support , I pray that I can fast forward the time , and God will just heal my pain ...