OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Do we tell the kids?

**Posted by Whatwillbe21** January 20, 2021 5:11 pm

I'm in two mind what to do. Do we tell our kids their dad is gay and mummy and daddy are separating.
Or just separate and tell them when they are older?
I'm just worried about their age 10 and 11 and the compilation it might bring for them.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** January 20, 2021 11:03 pm

You tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. I speak from experience when I say that there is no good time, and waiting simply complicates things. Waiting has a way of telling the truth more difficult. Meanwhile, the lie of omission worms its way into the family dynamic. The kids sense something is wrong, but don't know how to explain it.

**Posted by ThisTooShallPass** January 21, 2021 2:46 pm

I am not separated yet, but I will be telling my children why. One is the same age as yours, one is older, and two are younger. They're all old enough to ask why, and anything other than the truth is a lie. Like OutofHisCloset said, it will be age appropriate of course. But I've had enough lying in my family, I do not intend to contribute more. As for the how...I haven't figured that out yet.

**Posted by rekamc** January 21, 2021 5:06 pm

is your husband ok with you revealing his orientation to the kids? I only ask because my ex LW refuses to publicly come out (family, friends, acquittances, etc..) if your husband is okay with it, then yes tell them

**Posted by Julian_Stone** January 21, 2021 5:30 pm

ThisTooShallPass wrote:
I am not separated yet, but I will be telling my children why. One is the same age as yours, one is older, and two are younger. They're all old enough to ask why, and anything other than the truth is a lie. Like OutofHisCloset said, it will be age appropriate of course. But I've had enough lying in my family, I do not intend to contribute more. As for the how...I haven't figured that out yet.

I'm not separated, but like most people who find themselves here, I've thought a lot about this scenario...and I'm with you on this. I would not feel right perpetuating the lies. But, the one thing I worried a lot about is our child being trapped in the closet, too — knowing my husband will never tell his very conservative family he's not straight.

**Posted by ThisTooShallPass** January 22, 2021 12:24 am

Julian_Stone wrote:
ThisTooShallPass wrote:
I am not separated yet, but I will be telling my children why. One is the same age as yours, one is older, and two are younger. They're all old enough to ask why, and anything other than the truth is a lie. Like OutofHisCloset said, it will be age appropriate of course. But I've had enough lying in my family, I do not intend to contribute more. As for the how...I haven't figured that out yet.
I'm not separated, but like most people who find themselves here, I've thought a lot about this scenario...and I'm with you on this. I would not feel right perpetuating the lies. But, the one thing I worried a lot about is our child being trapped in the closet, too — knowing my husband will never tell his very conservative family he's not straight.

I've thought about the conservative family too. My husband knows if we divorce, his family will need to know why. We had a "great" marriage, and they would never just accept that we couldn't make things work, or some broader, non-specific excuse. They'll want the full truth, and he knows I'm not going to lie. (He may not tell them himself, I think he'd chicken out and want his brother to do it for him if I don't spill the beans first.)

Whether he's bi or gay it doesn't matter--if we divorce over it, his family won't accept it. (We just had a niece come out about two years ago and it wasn't pretty.) So then it comes down to, how are they going to act? Will they treat my kids differently, or talk poorly about their father in front of them? He may not be my favorite person right now, but I came from a divorced family, and I remember the trash talk from all sides. I will not have my kids go through any form of parental alienation. That's just one more thing racing through my mind.

**Posted by SusanneH** January 22, 2021 11:19 am

This is coming from someone on the ‘outside’, as I don’t have children, however, I agree with telling the truth. As TTSP says, there have been enough lies. I realize that the extended families may not take it well, but will a lie be any easier to take? And, then, if the truth comes out later, they will also know they were lied to....and, a lot of us know how awful that is!
Like Judge Judy says “if you tell the truth, you don’t have to have a good memory.” I like that. It’s a lot easier to keep up with the truth. I can’t imagine each child and parent, etc being told something different to suit each one, and having to remember what you said. And, they talk to each other.....yup. The truth is much easier in the LONG run, even if it’s harder at first.

Maybe a talk with anyone you might think will 'trash talk' about or to the children would be good. A compassionate, educational talk perhaps.

Good luck to each of you who has to go through this. Like I said, I’m just someone on the outside, looking in. And, I’ve seen and been through what lies can do!
(((((HUGS)))))))

Last edited by SusanneH (January 22, 2021 11:20 am)