I am not actively seeking a new partner, nor do I rule it out. Post-COVID, who knows what might happen?

My personal feeling is that as you come out of your mid-life crisis you are better off feeling crushed, broken and left on the side of the road but free of your MOM than if you have stayed in it.

I did not know I was in a MOM, but in my early 40's I tried to leave.  I didn't know what was wrong I just knew I wanted out.  I wish I had made it out then but no, and as with so many of us straight spouses I was of course good at maintaining a relationship, we patched things up, we were reasonably happy, it was like coming out of the forest into a stretch of open valley - I am so glad we stayed together I remember thinking at the time.  And you know I felt like anyway my run was over and at least I was settled and could do my artwork.  

Here's a snapshot of the hell that was to come from the other side of that valley - my 50th birthday, I have shingles and my back is so itchy and I am miserable as all hell.  Emotionally I am shot to pieces, all I want is a cat I can love and not allowed that and my 'husbands' best friend, a closet lesbian he's known since school days arrives for my birthday dinner, which I have managed to cook.  She stands triumphantly beside him as she presents me with a life-size plaster cast of a cat, making a put-down comment I can't mercifully remember.  

15 years on and my emotional strength and health have improved enormously and I am living alone with my cat for 7 years now - see I did go and get a kitten shortly after that day.

Initially I thought I wanted to remarry, sort of like that old Saturday Night Live sketch where the insurance company gives you a replacement when your husband dies. As I went through the divorce and securing my financial future though I changed my mind. I did not need a license from the state to have sex. A relationship was made sacred by the commitment made daily to each other, not by a ceremony and witnesses. Society had changed and so had I.

Finally, there are financial reasons why I won't remarry. I hope to live to a ripe old age, making up for lost time and supported by my income and assets. Men do not tend to live as long and one who has health issues could consume my time and money even if he did not set out looking for a "nurse and a purse". I wouldn't date a man who did not have a family but if we enjoyed life too much his adult children could decide we were squandering assets they hoped to inherit. I have my own children to worry about me: I don't need any more.

Nope, for me better protection than any pre-nup is no nuptials.

 

all- 
thank you for your words. i really am not looking for words of encouragement. honestly just wanted to be reassured that i'm not alone in feeling this way. 

Virion, I can't take credit for using that "nurse and a purse" phrase here. Another straight spouse used it first a while ago in her post. Also, you those who are younger be open to new possibilities.

I was chatting the other day with a much younger woman whose marriage broke down during its early years over non-gay issues. She told me how devastated she was and how she channeled her energy into continuing her education and starting a new career. Several years later she remarried and now has children, step and biological.

It may take longer for us to heal because the damage is to our cores but if we can find our selves again and honor them the possibility of meeting a compatible someone should not be off the table.