Posted by Gloria  December 31, 2020 1:44 pm | #11 |
I told my therapist, my son, my ex husband, my sister, my college room mate, and several of his friends. It helps to talk about it.
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Posted by SusanneH December 31, 2020 1:51 pm | #12 |
Gloria wrote:
I am so sorry. It is a roller coaster of emotions. I wish that my partner would just tell me the truth. I am curious though. How do you go through a computer? I have already found many, many, red flags. I want to know all that I can no matter how painful.
I had plenty of experience going through computers, phones, AT&T online records and anything that I might find something on.
For the computer, I googled how (designate whether you’re looking on a PC or MAC) to restore deleted safari, Chrome, firefox, or whatever search engine he’s using, ie: “how to restore deleted safari history on a Mac”, and go from there. I googled a lot of things like that: I found you can’t find permanently deleted emails (at least i couldn’t find a way). OH, you can get programs that will go in to the phone & iPad and download anything that has been in it. For instance, I used Dr Fone. It worked on one iPad, but not the other. I got most info on one phone & not the other...go figure. But, what it got were old (and deleted) phone history; text messages, including deleted ones; and contacts.
On AT&T, or whatever cell carrier you use, just get online & find the call/text usage. THAT was how I finally found what ‘caught’ him. He had deleted all texts to this guy. I found a contact name in his phone “David” (no designation, like a company, etc...just David- red flag #1); found online that he texted that # every 2 weeks ONE time & David texted him back ONE time...no back & forth. Then, when I questioned him about it, he poo pooed it the 1st time. the calls had stopped months earlier. I also looked up on Truthfinder his last name & that he’d moved out of town (my husband didn’t know either). Then, a few months later, I noticed he had blocked ‘David’, which was strange since my husband initiated all the texts. Another red flag. So, I asked again. This time, he got really angry, saying I was accusing him over no reason. Another red flag. He also said he didn’t remember him.. Another red flag—he had texted him every 2 weeks for at least 1 1/2 years (that’s as far back as the online records go)...
So, that’s part of it. I learned A LOT! I also learned how to use ‘Find my iPhone”, since he did all his hook-ups during the day when he was supposed to be going to jobs (he did it in between jobs), and I saw/still look where he was going. I found he had been going to the porn video store.
Unfortunately, it’s time consuming and mentally consuming.....not emotionally healthy at all. It was the ONLY way I was ever going to find out. Even with all I found, he lied to my face for 16 months! That was almost as bad as the cheating.
(You can tell I really got into it....this got really long 🥴. )
Anyway, good luck
(((((HUGS)))))
Last edited by SusanneH (December 31, 2020 1:56 pm)
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz December 31, 2020 5:32 pm | #13 |
At the start my feelings about this were in the pit of my stomach, and clenches in my chest every time I sobbed. It was like.....this isn't something we're taught! This is hidden distress we carry behind our everyday faces! My eyes (behind sunglasses) were often red from crying.
If you don't stop being the empathetic & helpful wife you'll find you can't back out of the hold he has on who he thinks you are, which is the person who's willing to help him through something he should be doing himself.
Why should your unhappiness suffer even more....for his selfish gain?
Give yourself a date, a time-limit (3 years was mine) and if you still feel as wretched...admit to yourself that it's you who must take action.
I went through the " I think maybe we can make it work. But I can't decide if it is brave or weak to stay." stage
But found that thinking about "stay or go" made it harder because I was adding my partner to the mix. As soon as I decided to focus on a life without him it became easier to sort out what I'd need if we ever separated.
Now....I'm still with my partner. He provides me a life I've become used to, and the space (I'm a bit of a loner), and the thought of living with people who don't provide that is a little daunting.
All your questions about your r'ship working, monogamy, having an open-r'ship just say to me, as a fellow straightspouse 
that you're afraid of losing what you only have a precarious grip on.
In all the 3 years I gave myself my partner was still asking me to accept the sexual life (cake) he wanted, and to (exploring with men) eat it too. When 3 years had passed I decided to no longer have sex with him....
I can live like this. I have everything (almost) in place to leave
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Blue Bear January 4, 2021 3:09 pm | #14 |
When I discovered my ex-wife was having a secret affair with a woman, I worked through this exercise.
1. She cheated on me, yet we promised each other fidelity. Is this a boundary in my life that I'm willing to move to accommodate her behavior?
2. She's not straight, and I thought I married a straight woman. Would I have agreed to be married to a non-straight person?
3. She engaged in profound dishonesty and lied to me about the affair, gaslit the crap out of me when she was carrying on the affair, and acted like the affair was somehow my fault. Am I willing to accommodate this kind of dishonesty from my wife?
4. The affair and disclosure of her closeted non-straight sexuality ripped me to my core. Am I willing to accept being treated with such cruelty?
The answer to all four of these questions was a solid, unequivocal "no". We are no longer married, and I am happier than I have been in a long time.
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