OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / What to believe

**Posted by Inafog** November 30, 2020 11:51 pm

I’m new here though I’ve read many of the posts and have found solace in our collective experience.

My husband who still claims he is bi has recently decided we should separate so he can figure out what he needs. Thing is I think he’s actually gay just afraid to admit it.

There are a few red flags for me. 1) He has acknowledged him being bi for a few years but suddenly feels he wants to explore what his attraction for men means for him and if it’s something he needs. 2) He says he’s still attracted to women just not me. Funny he should say that because if was still attracted to women would he not want to try to improve our relationship vs figuring out what his feelings for men means? 3) He has indicated separating is best for us right now because he’s not sure where this will lead and does not want to give me false hope.

What do I do?? It feels like I’m just waiting for a sentence but I think already know what the sentence will be.

Last edited by Inafog (December 1, 2020 12:13 am)

**Posted by Julian_Stone** December 1, 2020 1:11 am

Hi Inafog—I'm so sorry you've found yourself here.

Personally, I would talk with a lawyer. It sounds like your husband has already checked out of the marriage....but wants to keep you around as his "fallback option" or doesn't want to deal with the financial ramifications of divorce. You deserve so much better.

This is a pretty traumatic experience for anyone to go through—and I hope you've found some support—a close friend or therapist to talk to.

**Posted by SusanneH** December 1, 2020 12:09 pm

Inafog, so sorry about your situation. Julian has good advice. I also believe your husband is through, regardless whether he is bi or gay. The statement “attracted to women just not me”, doesn’t answer that question but does tell you he’s not going to give you what you need. I’m sorry to have to add another same suggestion, but I think you’ll be wasting your life/time to be waiting for more. Sometimes there is hope, but when he says something like that, it’s hard to get past it.
This is one of the hardest things for someone to go through, and the more support you can get, the better. Counseling is good, too.
I wish you all the best.
(((((HUGS)))))

**Posted by Inafog** December 1, 2020 4:48 pm

Thanks for telling me what I need to hear. Like both of you said I see it pretty clearly. On most days I can be rationale and accept this, then some days, or even hours, I question if there’s like that 0.1% chance. He was a doting husband and always told me he loved me, and even now still says he wants our relationship to work out. It messes with me so much. I genuinely believe he’s lost and scared himself, but how much fear can one have to stay unfulfilled? It’s just so sad

**Posted by lily** December 2, 2020 9:01 pm

Here's a question - if he wants your relationship to work out then why is he saying he wants to explore his sexuality with men? with anyone for that matter. You're married, aren't you? wanting to remain monogamous?

yes he is messing with your head and it's no wonder you're in a fog.

Personally I wouldn't worry about whether he is going to divorce you or not, to me it doesn't sound like that is on his mind - I think he is just pushing your buttons, ie your fear that he will leave you, to gain lifestyle concessions.

So here's a possible option - suggest that you get a divorce while remaining together as best mate roomies, see if he likes that idea.

(not suggesting that's a good idea for you to actually do, just maybe a way to get a little clarity by seeing how he responds to that idea)

**Posted by Julian_Stone** December 2, 2020 10:45 pm

Sadly, we all know that "in a fog" state. After my husband told me he is bisexual, I felt like I didn't know which end is up. I think Lily is spot on: Telling you he loves you and wants your marriage to work out just isn't compatible with exploring his sexuality with men (assuming you—like most people who get married—want monogamy). Don't let him string you along or gaslight you into submission.

I like Lily's suggestion. Approach him calmly & tell him you'd like to get a divorce so you're not "holding him back" from discovering himself and his "needs." I have a feeling he'll change his tune...or (more likely) try to play a game of "let's make a deal." At the end of the day, you'll never regret staying true to your values and *your* needs.

Take care...I know this isn't easy. <3

**Posted by TangledOil** December 4, 2020 4:31 pm

What an 💩 thing to say.... he’s attracted to women, just not you? Say “don’t let the door hit you on your way out.”

ill add to this later ... gotta run.

**Posted by Rob** December 4, 2020 5:08 pm

Tangled,

He said some very cruel things to you.

When I see your title; what to believe?

Believe that he can be cruel.
Believe that he can be hurtful.

In the words of Chumplady..trust that he sucks.

I can identify with this. I had my then wife on such a pedestal..loved and admired her. When she started having her gay affair she became so cruel.

I now think of her as just a broken troubled person. But also not to be trusted. And always always cruel and hurtful.

Build your support system..know that you are worth so much more than he can ever comphrehend..

**Posted by Julian_Stone** December 4, 2020 11:52 pm

Rob wrote:
Believe that he can be cruel.
Believe that he can be hurtful.

In the words of Chumplady..trust that he sucks.

Yes...what struck me most about this one is how needlessly cruel he was...like he wanted to take her down a peg. "I'm not gay...it's you."

Trust me, IAF, it's not you. He's projecting his guilt and shame onto you.

**Posted by Sonata** December 5, 2020 2:08 pm

Dear Inafog,

I am very sorry you are going through this. It stinks! From what you describe, it seems like he holds all the cards. I do think you should focus on you and what you want. That may take a long time. There are so many stages of grief that it is hard to know what you want. Maybe time a part is good...though very painful. You are worthy of love....that is what marriage is supposed to be. I am right there with you. Never thought I'd be here.