Posted by WasIBlind  November 19, 2020 3:32 pm | #1 |
Hello - it's been 3 years since I logged in here, though I've continued to read off and on over that time. Usually when yet another "clue" pops up, I feel triggered, and come here to feel like someone else gets it.
The struggle I have is to accept that it's true. Since posting my questions 3 years ago to Sean (diagnosis "gay as a rainbow") I've continued wonder if I really believe it. He went on to live with a woman for 1/1/2 years (straight from our home to his new one with her, literally no inbetween days). Then he started cheating on her, and within 2 months was married to the next woman. Both relationships were filled with domestic violence and restraining orders. He is currently facing a trial for physical abuse against the second woman, the first is going to testify. She also texted me a couple of time about finding gay porn, conversations with men online, and the strap on he bought her. (It still didn't feel real at this point.)
So some of my disbelief feels more like a safety mechanism, like I would literally be in danger if I think he is gay. He just moved back, to my local area. We have a teenager under legal age so he makes an effort to see them and our oldest when he can, though it was a year in between visits while he crashed and burned in his second marriage. Part of his desire to not be outed is his conservative family. Also, he is HIV positive, so he feels shame around that.
Ironically, I am deeply accepting of the LGBTQ+ community. My kids are both rainbow kids, and came out to me immediately, almost casually because it was something they felt totally safe with me about. Their dad is OK with it, though he struggles with it some, probably from his own closet issues.
This fear around truly believing he is gay also comes from the pain I feel when I think it. Like I can go through our long history together, all the clues I missed, and I feel used, and sad for my younger self who was hurt so many times by the rejection. The rejection was more around emotional intimacy, and his anger if I asked for anything different physically. Guess he was touchy about doing it wrong! Also, he gave oral sex regularly as it was more tolerable to me than the wrestling match that was PIV. Towards the end he would lose his erection repeatedly and I felt like such a failure. There was this feeling of him needing to prove something by having sex with me, but it wasn't intimate. In my dreams (not daydreams) I would wake up because I kissed another man. The longing was so strong, as it was never good, connecting kisses with my then husband.
This latest rash of whirlwind thoughts and surging pain/anger came about because he stopped by to see our youngest at the first of the month, then left to take care of business in another state. It seemed weird that he was gone this long for a short errand and I started searching for clues. 3 years after my divorce, I know.... I know he has been to a bath house/sauna before because I found the receipt. Did a quick search to see if the place he went had any of those. A site came up, I clicked, and it had photos of men looking to connect. He was right there at the top, on the first page I checked. Not even an app, just a place to connect and then meet at a sauna.
I've been in shock for a few days, even though I know it's true. My mind is just bouncing around and I go back and forth between relief and shock. I don't understand why I keep ruminating and struggling. Maybe because I've never even asked him point blank? He has a history of being angry, or running off, or even threatening vague mental breakdowns. Don't really want any of that in my life anymore, and decided to just move on with my life, which is getting better finally, even in a pandemic. But I was basically depressed and didn't work for a year.
Quite the ramble, I'm sorry. Short version: I keep getting derailed as I heal and grapple with 30+ years of deception and being used. Finally have concrete evidence that he is gay, or at least having sex with men.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz November 19, 2020 4:59 pm | #2 |
WasIBlind wrote:
......Ironically, I am deeply accepting of the LGBTQ+ community. My kids are both rainbow kids, and came out to me immediately, almost casually because it was something they felt totally safe with me about. Their dad is OK with it, though he struggles with it some, probably from his own closet issues.......
I deeply admire admire you for the challenges you're facing...of not only having a gay husband but having rainbow children as well which means having to make a distinct separation of emotions. Do you find your communication with your children on this topic easy?
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Daryl November 19, 2020 8:39 pm | #3 |
Please go easy on yourself. None of us enter a marriage expecting something like this. I bet if you asked wife #2 or 3, they would report the same difficulties in bed that you experienced. It's not you. It never was. It was him but he'll never admit it.
Further more - he's dangerous. It sounds like when his closet is threatened he becomes violent. He is HIV+ but hooking up with random people in bath houses/saunas? Some states have laws that criminalize deliberate HIV exposure. I suspect his HIV shame and vague mental breakdown threats are only for the purpose of manipulation.
In my opinion the more distance between you and him, the better you will be. You know more than enough.
Are you having a bit of a problem with closure? Have you seen anyone about this? I doubt you will ever get any sort of apology or admission from him. I don't know if it would help but maybe write a letter? Spill it all but don't send it. Some might even suggest then taking it and burning it away. This was your past but it doesn't have to define your future. Be proud that you're the kind of Mom that your kids felt no need to hide their sexuality from.
Be well.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz November 19, 2020 9:55 pm | #4 |
.......Are you having a bit of a problem with closure? Have you seen anyone about this? I doubt you will ever get any sort of apology or admission from him. I don't know if it would help but maybe write a letter? Spill it all but don't send it. Some might even suggest then taking it and burning it away. This was your past but it doesn't have to define your future. Be proud that you're the kind of Mom that your kids felt no need to hide their sexuality from.....
I have done this, still continue adding to it. It's for me, my deepest emotions written as if he's standing in front of me. This is one of the steps I've taken. I'm not sure when I'll give it to him, if at all. For the moment it's just for me but in my Will, of which my daughter is executor...I've left my daughter access to it.
Writing it all down is so cathartic
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by HurtAndConfused November 20, 2020 6:44 am | #5 |
WasIBlind,
As others are saying don’t beat yourself up. It’s normal to feel this way. Especially since most of us didn’t see any of this coming, it’s shocking even traumatizing. Many including myself may experience symptoms similar to PTSD. I was easily startled, depressed, looping memories and in some what of a denial. But try to look at it this way, it is a fact that you are better off without him in your home and romantic life, it’s a fact that he went on to deceive and torture 2 other women after you and will continue to do so to protect his image and it is a fact that he is gay (sleeping with other men, unprotected at that, he could of got you sick as well)
You deserve a loving relationship with a straight man who adores you, looks at you with desire and you will find it one you let go of him. Be well and best wishes.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset November 20, 2020 9:43 am | #6 |
WasIBlind,
I can relate to what you say--
"This latest rash of whirlwind thoughts and surging pain/anger came about because he stopped by to see our youngest at the first of the month, then left to take care of business in another state. It seemed weird that he was gone this long for a short errand and I started searching for clues. 3 years after my divorce, I know.... I know he has been to a bath house/sauna before because I found the receipt. Did a quick search to see if the place he went had any of those. A site came up, I clicked, and it had photos of men looking to connect. He was right there at the top, on the first page I checked. Not even an app, just a place to connect and then meet at a sauna.
"I've been in shock for a few days, even though I know it's true. My mind is just bouncing around and I go back and forth between relief and shock. I don't understand why I keep ruminating and struggling. "
I have had a similar experience in recovering from my marriage, too, and had a major shock at about the same period of time (3 years), when I also thought I was doing pretty well. About six months after moving out I had gone back to "our house" to continue moving my things out, and the evidence of his activities, which he had left out in the open, hit me really hard. I think in my case, too, there was perhaps an element of having wondered, after I moved out, whether since I'd left he'd come to his senses and stopped his activities. To see the hard evidence that indeed he'd begun engaging in it more openly, and taken steps to alter our home--the one I had called mine for 25 years and had put my time and effort into--to shield himself from discovery, was traumatizing.
I think for me, and maybe for you, it's the result of the trauma we suffered. The whole experience is traumatic, all of it, each part of it, and I just don't think it's possible to get over it in one go. To me, it's like recovering from the grief, shock, and trauma I felt after my father's suicide: I could only take in and process pieces of it at a time, as if my mind would only let me feel what I could handle, and when I had made it through that particular element, it would let in another.
I think HurtAndConfused has it right: feeling this way is normal. Recovery isn't a straight line, and the PTSD we experience as a result of the trauma means things can set us off and put us right back in the experience.
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Posted by WasIBlind November 21, 2020 5:14 pm | #7 |
Everyone, I am grateful for your grace. This continues to hit me at my core, causing me to question everything. It does feel like trauma. I saw a therapist for 2 years before we divorced, and spent 3 years in counseling together, the last year was after the HIV diagnosis. No one brought up my trauma (we saw the marriage counselor separately also) and I questioned for years if I could have PTSD, or at least strong symptoms.
I don't doubt it now, but find most of the time focusing on building a future for myself and CBT type thought work has helped the most. Something like this incident just brings it up again fresh.
Elle, to answer your question about my children, it is not hard at all. I love that they are open with me - and how amazing that there are no straight spouses in their future!!! We've always been open about all the ways to be in the world. Also, thank your sharing your experiences with the healing power of journaling. I need to explore this more.
Daryl, thank you. It does feel like a closure issue. I've learned that trauma stays unresolved longer when there are open ended questions like many of us have. Without an admission, it leaves space for the brain to return to protective denial techniques. Then energy has to be re-directed to pull back from ruminating, denial, etc. I do feel positive and hopeful for my future more days than not, which is huge progress!
Thank you HurtandConfused, for your support and kind words.
OOHC, the cycle you describe feels like my experience. Almost like a spiral, growing out from that core hurt, and it takes longer before passing by that pain each trip around, when I stumble, fall into it again, and have to recover again. Your theory of only being able to handle/process a bit at a time makes sense, and helps me have perspective on my indirect path of healing.
Much appreciation to all for your support <3
