OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / FOR GAWD’S SAKE I’M 60! Please help me sort this out

**Posted by Carly1227** November 10, 2020 6:32 pm

Ok. So I welcome all feedback.
I married my GID husband 15 yrs ago. While there were red flags I ignored, it was in my face 5 yrs into the marriage. I didn’t take action then, and through this site I am coming to understand gaslighting etc and things are a little clearer. I haven’t had sex with him since the details of his blowjob encounter 10 years ago. I intentionally don’t check up on him or confront him because I would have to take action. Also, he is mean and vindictive and far better at warfare than me.
so, the funny thing is, the trigger for this is the fact that he got irate that I went to dinner with an old friend.
I was able to muster the courage to tell my massage therapist who advised me to get a PI and that it’s probably 100 times worse than what I know.
Meanwhile, I have a son from a previous marriage who is happy, successful, and sane. I am ashamed to tell him I have failed at marriage and have a clusterfudge of a financial situation if this comes to a head.
PLEASE ADVISE!

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 10, 2020 9:07 pm

Hi Carly welcome to the Forum.

It was the "also he's mean and vindictive and far better at warfare than me" that made me post to you. Carly...you are the one who has to move, as in make a move, to better your life. To do that you have to have the belief that your life is worth more than the one you have with your husband.
I think getting a PI will be a waste of money, and he, or she will just tell you more of what you already know. What was your reaction when he got irate when you went out with an old friend? Do you feel he has an emotional and financial hold over you?

I reckon you should confide in your son. Happy, successful & sane sons don't like to see their mothers unhappy. He may be the very person to help you see you can get out of the web you're stuck in

Elle

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** November 10, 2020 10:11 pm

Get thee to a lawyer! You need a clear picture of your legal options and the financial ramifications. You can't work out a strategy until you know the lay of the land.

You have not "failed at marriage." You were hoodwinked by a man who took advantage of you--none of us go into marriage wondering whether the man we're marrying is straight. The fact that you have a son who is "happy, successful, and sane" is evidence that you do know how to go about raising a child with your priorities straight. I also want to emphasize that the shame is not yours to bear. It's your husband's, but he would love for you to bear that burden for him--it's the source of the gaslighting that keeps you quiet and compliant. And when you aren't, he switches to a more overtly and more transparently abusive move. Don't let that misplaced shame keep you from your son's support.

**Posted by Carly1227** November 16, 2020 8:55 pm

Thanks everyone. I told my adult son and he revealed that the GID is obsessed with porn, straight porn as far as son knows. Geezus.

**Posted by lily** November 16, 2020 10:39 pm

Carly, okay so look at it like this - if your well-being has deteriorated over the last 15 years (and you might need an old friend to help you assess this) then how much more do you think it will deteriorate over the next 15 years?

you're 60. you have a lot going for you. be wise and act for your future now.

**Posted by blindone** November 17, 2020 8:05 pm

Carly...welcome to a great place for support! I had text messages that could not be disputed - photos, etc. No question what was going on. I took those to a PI. He handed me a form to fill out. It was that process that made me realize that I was wasting my time and his. Questions like: what type of care does he drive, when does he leave for work, where is his office, yada yada. I was already 10 steps ahead of this process with the evidence I had. He gave me a free session after telling me that my evidence was 'g rated' - to me it was not! And that he could find more if I wanted, but what was my goal? He actually advised me to not out him b/c I may need to leverage what I have in the future. So I have not after 6 months told him HOW I know and all of WHAT I know. I don't know if/when I ever will. Right now he thinks that I found out about a specific affair from someone.
So my point is.....what if there is more? Do you need to know more? Or do you already know enough? AND....will you even get the truth if you get more evidence? In my case, I can almost imagine the stories that he would make up about each of the text messages. I could even hear him saying 'oh, this wasn't my iPad back then'.........it's amazing that the only person they are fooling is themselves. If he's a master at war - which mine is too - then save your sanity. Be thankful for your son. I have no children and carry bitterness b/c I gave up that notion to be with a closeted gay man for 10 years. I wasted the precious decade of my life only to find out it's a lie. Maybe your son can help you make a plan, once you have a plan, maybe you can get some movement and energy from your anger. Let us know!

**Posted by Carly1227** November 17, 2020 8:20 pm

BLINDONE thanks so much. I am totally disengaged after reading your post. I’m done. I just need to be cautious.

**Posted by blindone** November 17, 2020 8:40 pm

Carly, I hope the words help. I have to tell you that this has been a wonderful place for each step of the process. Caring people who have a similar perspective all at different stages of the process. And a process it is. Always changing. You have so much life ahead! So much happiness! I am not there just yet in the process - only 6. months out, but I'm 50. But, slowly I'm looking forward to what life might be. Perhaps 100% authentic on my terms. No more gaslighting and trying to be 'good enough' What freaking stress that was!! Take good care of you and it sounds like your son will be a great partner to help you!