OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / He Just told me a week ago

**Posted by Ssflight20** November 2, 2020 11:55 am

Hi,

So I’m new to this site and I just found out last weekend my boyfriend was gay. We had been together almost 2 years, were talking marriage, looking at houses...planning our future. When we first started dating he told me he was bisexual and he is 38 so I thought he was sure of his sexuality. He said he was 100-% sure. I asked because, never dating someone bisexual before, i was a little nervous. But I trusted him. I just don’t know how to pick up the pieces to the Shattered life we were going to have. He gets to go on this new journey and I’m here alone and confused and devastated. Any tips on how you got through this would be helpful. Thanks all.

**Posted by SusanneH** November 2, 2020 12:10 pm

Ssflight,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Most bi/gay’s wouldn’t have even told their SO’s that they are bisexual even, so you at least weren’t hit with 100% new news like most of us were....not to minimize what you’re going through by any means. At least with bisexual, you knew he had an interest in you.

Just so I/we can help you:
Are you still together? It sounds like you might not be from your statements. It’ll make a difference as to how to get through it all. Either way, it isn’t easy.
Did he cheat? If so, you need to get tested for STI’s ASAP.
Your emotions will range from one end of the spectrum to the other & let it flow! Be easy on yourself & take good care of YOU! Right now, just breathe.
I’m going to leave it there until you are ready to give more information. There are a lot of folks on here who have been through the same thing that can help you through this & you will get through it & come out just fine!
Post any time about anything you want.

((((((HUGS))))))

Susanne

**Posted by Daryl** November 2, 2020 6:38 pm

Self care. You have a journey awaiting as well, you just don't know what it is yet. Take small steps for now. It's OK to mourn what was supposed to happen but try not to get stuck there. Interaction may be the key. It could be with family, friends, even something hobby related. I know a pandemic world complicates things but avoid isolation any way you can.

**Posted by Ssflight20** November 2, 2020 6:50 pm

We are no longer together but are in communication. We have to do the division of things. I want to keep his friendship, I think I miss that most of all, but right now I’m just so angry and hurt. He didn’t cheat, so thank god for that. He just finally got the courage to tell me. I’m just so sad and lost.

I know I have a new journey coming I’m just so scared to start over and trust again. I feel like no one will want me and that They will think I’m damaged goods. I got some help from a psychiatrist to give me some anxiety meds so that’s been helping. I just am not use to being alone and yeah the pandemic isn’t helping.

**Posted by blindone** November 2, 2020 8:55 pm

I'm sorry and this is a great place with lots of support. You are grieving right now. I realize therapy is not for every one but it seems to be helping me. I've reconnected w/a lot of other things that Had neglected (my faith, friends, family, hobbies). I'm about 5 months in to my journey - my ex cheated and still has not come clean. So if there is any positive in your situation, I would say it's that he's been honest with you and told you. My ex is 60 years old and not mature/accountable enough to tell the truth even when he's been caught. As mentioned above, it will be a ride and a wave of emotions - all different kinds. For me, I have things that will trigger me as well, with no notice. Do things for yourself that make you feel good or give you comfort. One piece of advice that someone gave me was when I felt anger, is to be still. Be kind to yourself and welcome those that love you and want to be kind to you. This is a great place to come for support...I'm glad you've found it....

**Posted by Ssflight20** November 2, 2020 11:04 pm

I’m just laying in bed crying wondering why I wasn’t enough. He says he’s still attracted to women but more so to men and wants to be emotionally with men. Why was I enough for 2 years. It makes me feel like I did something wrong. I also am just having all sorts of erratic thoughts, like, is he lying to me and just doesn’t want to be with me and he’s not really gay and is bisexual like he originally said. Or do I look like a man? I’m a tall women so I dunno, my brain is racing with these thoughts.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** November 3, 2020 9:26 am

When we are feeling devalued and discarded it's common enough to think about why we "weren't enough," but I'd like to provide an alternative way to think about it. It isn't that you "aren't enough"; it's that you can only be one person, one sex, one sexuality, and, if he is bisexual, he wants more than one person, more than one sex, and more than one sexuality. That being the case, It would be impossible to be all the things he says he wants because it would be impossible for any one person to be these things.
If he's gay, as he's now saying he is, then he wants what you aren't, and his leaving has nothing at all whatsoever to do with you.
As for being tall, it's far more likely that your personality is what drew him to you, and his need for a beard, than it is that you might resemble in any way a man. Even if your height did allow him to more easily imagine you as another male (males being generally but not always taller than women), that's not on you; it's on him.

**Posted by Blue Bear** November 3, 2020 2:54 pm

This isn't about you; it's about him. He was likely attracted to you because you are sensitive, caring, loving, compassionate, empathetic, kind and giving. Most of us straight spouses are, and it makes us bait for the in-denial gay partner. We will put up with a lot, and we are a soft place for them to land when "bi now, gay later" happens.

**Posted by Ssflight20** November 3, 2020 3:13 pm

I hate how angry I am at the person I love more than anything. I know I have the right to be angry but it feels awful to have this feeling. I’m just feeling betrayed and used. I was a soft spot for him to land. He knows he still will have my friendship at some point because he knows my heart. He gets to keep what he wants from me and I’m left with nothing i want or was promised. I’m just so angry and sad.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 3, 2020 8:03 pm

Ssflight20 wrote:
.

Hi Ss All people have life changes, no one person does it quite the same as another. Some don't even realise, or want to admit, that they have this huge thing nibbling away at them. I don't know, I'm 100% straight...so I don't know how it feels to have a very fundamental thing like sexuality change how one thinks about things sexual. But if I could see inside my own partner's head I reckon I'd see confusion (raised by a very strictly-Catholic mother but he's a lapsed Catholic) and because of his reserved nature he's not one to divulge any secrets....well, until he thought he could broach the subject with me (this was after 32 years together)

I see in another post you say you hate how angry you are at the person you love....but you may find that anger becomes a strength when you realise to have a full and happy life you may have to change the dynamics of your relationship with him to possibly having no r'ship at all

Elle