Posted by Ineedadvice  October 26, 2020 11:29 am | #1 |
I am absolutely devastated. It has been 9 months since I found out that my boyfriend may be bisexual or gay. When I met him I never once suspected of him having sexual preference for males. We were great for about 8 months then one day after we had a night of partying I decided to go through his phone where I found him sexting a Male. He promised it was the first time that happened and that he did not know what it was about. I gave him a second chance and 2 months later found emails of him asking for BJs from males and transgenders. It was before we had started dating and he said that for a while he did want to do that. I let it go. We got pregnant and two months after we had our child one week after we had gotten a new apartment I found a video on his phone of him giving another Male a BJ. I still can not believe that happened. I felt disrespected, my health put at risk and just horrible. I thought I may overcome it I seeked counseling 2 times already did not really work for me. We are still in our 20s. He does not want to do counseling. He says it was because his brother raped him as a child. I don't know what to believe. I cry at least 4 days out of the week. There is not one day I don't go with out thinking about it. Its gotten to the point where I feel like I am in a hole. I can not tell anyone else. I am not okay and no one around me knows. I don't want to break up but he doesn't want counseling. I don't know how to help him. I don't trust him and feel like I am controlling him. And I hate that. I care about him he has no one and I know if I leave he will make of his life a disaster. I also don't want to co parent. What should I do ?
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Posted by Daryl October 26, 2020 12:24 pm | #2 |
Tell someone you trust to keep your confidence. No one needs to bear this alone. I think that might be the single most important thing you could do for yourself at this point. You are in the midst of a storm and in need of a windbreak and a warm blanket. Be kind to yourself and know that you can post here as much as you want.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
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Posted by SusanneH October 26, 2020 1:04 pm | #3 |
Ineed,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially with a newborn. You’ve come to the right place for support and those who have been where you are.
You didn’t say. Has your boyfriend said he has stopped seeing men? And, if so, do you believe him? If not, is it all right with you if he continues to get & give BJ’s?
One thing to do for yourself is to get tested for STI’s ASAP.
My husband cheated with men our entire relationship for 14 1/2 years until I found out. He decided to stop & work on having a marriage because he doesn’t want a relationship with a man, just oral sex & that doesn’t last but 20-30 minutes. A marriage lasts a lifetime, and you have someone by your side. But, it has to be his decision. In my case, my husband would prefer an open marriage. Some couples do this, but it works only if BOTH really want it, and a lot has to be worked out. I’m strictly monogamous. Period. So, my husband has the choice to stay in our marriage monogamously, or, if he wants to have sex with men, he can leave. I won’t compromise my beliefs.
You don’t have to decide anything now. Just breathe, and take care of yourself & your child. And, feel free to post here any time.
((((HUGS))))
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Posted by Ineedadvice October 26, 2020 2:31 pm | #4 |
SusanneH wrote:
Ineed,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially with a newborn. You’ve come to the right place for support and those who have been where you are.
You didn’t say. Has your boyfriend said he has stopped seeing men? And, if so, do you believe him? If not, is it all right with you if he continues to get & give BJ’s?
One thing to do for yourself is to get tested for STI’s ASAP.
My husband cheated with men our entire relationship for 14 1/2 years until I found out. He decided to stop & work on having a marriage because he doesn’t want a relationship with a man, just oral sex & that doesn’t last but 20-30 minutes. A marriage lasts a lifetime, and you have someone by your side. But, it has to be his decision. In my case, my husband would prefer an open marriage. Some couples do this, but it works only if BOTH really want it, and a lot has to be worked out. I’m strictly monogamous. Period. So, my husband has the choice to stay in our marriage monogamously, or, if he wants to have sex with men, he can leave. I won’t compromise my beliefs.
You don’t have to decide anything now. Just breathe, and take care of yourself & your child. And, feel free to post here any time.
((((HUGS))))
Thank you for your kind words. I know he has not been involved with another Male because we are always together especially because of covid. I also know that when he does this type of behavior it is when he is drunk. Which is why I don't understand if its something he would do sober. I do believe in monogamy and he is aware of that he knows that cheating is a no no for me. I just am conflicted because it has been 9 months since it happened and it has not gotten easier. I don't trust him.
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Posted by Daryl October 26, 2020 5:17 pm | #5 |
It takes a long time to rebuild broken trust and I believe it's the actions, not the words, that drive that process. It is unfortunate that he is rejecting the idea of counseling. I would think seeking help for that childhood trauma would be to his benefit. I hope he is not using alcohol to avoid dealing with a deeper issue of abuse.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz October 26, 2020 6:15 pm | #6 |
No good can ever come from 'DECIDING' to go through somebody else' phone. ( been there, done that, still trying to get the memory of it out of the t'shirt lol )
It's a one-way ticket to nowhere, you start on the back foot, and the fact you looked at his phone (in secret?) will of course make you think you shouldn't tell anyone. This only makes it harder to confide this info.
To really understand what's happening to you, your life, your r'ship....you need to be able to talk to a friend, family member or counselor.
Don't let his secret become yours. It's not fair on you 
Welcome to our Forum
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by rekamc October 26, 2020 10:34 pm | #7 |
you want my personal opinion (again it's just my opinion and it doesn't mean anything), your boyfriend is gay, closeted and possibly self loathing. You're still young and have plenty of time to walk away from your current relationship. I would do anything to go back in time and tell my-young-self: "Your wife is a lesbian, walk away"
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Posted by lily October 27, 2020 12:36 am | #8 |
...I would do anything to go back in time and tell my-young-self: "Your wife is a lesbian, walk away"
yeah really. I was 19 when I met my ex. I remember going on a camping trip round Cornwall and we were invited to a party in a big tent. Lots of loud music and everyone was dancing - I was jumping up and down on the spot, let's dance I asked. No I hate dancing he said....
I should have walked away on the spot. But who does that.
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Posted by Ineedadvice October 27, 2020 8:52 am | #9 |
It takes a long time to rebuild broken trust and I believe it's the actions, not the words, that drive that process. It is unfortunate that he is rejecting the idea of counseling. I would think seeking help for that childhood trauma would be to his benefit. I hope he is not using alcohol to avoid dealing with a deeper issue of abuse.
I agree. The fact that he doesn't want to go to counseling makes me think he is not honest about him being raped. At this point I don't know what is true and what is a lie. I feel like I don't even know who he is.
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Posted by Ineedadvice October 27, 2020 9:01 am | #10 |
you want my personal opinion (again it's just my opinion and it doesn't mean anything), your boyfriend is gay, closeted and possibly self loathing. You're still young and have plenty of time to walk away from your current relationship. I would do anything to go back in time and tell my-young-self: "Your wife is a lesbian, walk away"
That is very possible. Every time I bring up the matter it upsets him too much. And I think just accept who you are but I know it's harder said than done. I tell him I know what I want it is him that needs to make up his mind I just don't appreciate that I was dragged into this it's not fair for me. And I regret soooo much not having left him the first time around when I saw those text messages. I trusted him and look at where it got me. That's who it's so hard to trust him again. Now if he is gay or bisexual whatever it is that is okay I just think that he has embrace it. I am super understanding but I can't talk him into accepting it. He is in complete denial and says he does that because of the abuse. I don't know. The person that he did that with too was a random person I believe it was someone from online. Even though he told me it was someone he knew. I have a child with him and I don't want go coparent. I want our child to grow in a family. Plus he is not patient and I would not want to leave my child for a whole weekend with him. Honestly at this point I think that's what is preventing me from leaving him. My child is the best thing that happened to me. I hate regretting staying with him because that means I would not have my child. I don't think its fair for any of us. Him because he is lying to him self even though he has dated women all of his life it seems as though men is just for BJs it's super weird. I don't know if there was any other type of sex involved. I know he is not attracted to men romantically. I am just all over the place. I just want peace. I have not felt peace in forever and I feel like I am going crazy.
