OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Having such a hard time

**Posted by soconfused** October 25, 2020 8:40 pm

I've been legally separated from my trans ex husband for a bit over a year, and haven't lived with him for a little longer. I'm healing, though sometimes I still miss what was good in the first decades of the marriage. But I'm way too vulnerable to them. They seem to think we're friends, and keep send chatty texts and emails. They want me to be happy they've found great joy as a woman. Somehow they've blanked out the years of abuse and lies and financial destruction and smear campaign as if that had nothing to do with them. They even said the abuse was done by a different person, someone they don't know. Funny how they're still in the same body as the abusive husband, even if they're wearing a dress. I can't just block them, we have a special needs child in common. But it's so hard. My heart rate shoots up every time they text or email, just seeing their name is too much. Why can't I find a way to not be so upset by their intrusions into my life? I just want to make a new life for myself, without them. They were very clear they didn't want me. Why do they think we're friends? I'm polite, nothing more. But they keep acting as if everything's just great.

Last edited by soconfused (October 25, 2020 8:41 pm)

**Posted by phoenix** October 26, 2020 7:54 am

I would suggest that you set some boundaries with your ex. Perhaps a message telling them not to communicate with you for any reason other than child related necessity.

I did the same with my ex.. not because she was acting badly, but because I also got that rush of anxiety and bad feelings every time I saw her name pop up in a notification. So we kept the interaction to only logistics of kids moving between houses, schoolwork, and their other needs and scheduling. This was a big stress relief because it meant less interaction, and also when I saw her name in my cell phone, i knew it was only kid related, so it didn't trigger anxiety.

It's been 3 years.. to be honest, i still don't love getting texts from her.. but my emotional reactions are gone and it's not a big deal anymore. We converse politely when necessary.

**Posted by Virion** October 26, 2020 11:40 am

Have a read of chumplady.com...shes brilliant..its a light read blog and it talks about going no contact or grey rock with Ex partners..its a huge help
But yes absolutely you need strong boundaries..you do not need to dance in his joy..
Blessings

**Posted by soconfused** October 27, 2020 1:14 am

I do like chumplady, thanks! I have been doing my best gray rock the past few months. You'd think they'd notice, but they only see what's in their head, I guess, it hasn't made a dent.

I talked to my counselor today, and got straight in my head what I need to do. It takes more energy than I want to spend reinforcing the boundaries, but it's better than getting upset by the emails and texts. I emailed them today and told them again not to text or email me. They don't respect it very long, but I'll get some respite. Thanks for your support, it helps to know other people have to do this too.

I wish I could stop hurting about all this, how long does that take anyway?