OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Will I Ever Get Past It?

**Posted by DeeDee1771** October 13, 2020 2:05 pm

For those of you who are in MOM's.......does the straight spouse ever get past the intrusive thoughts? I find that every song on the radio sung by someone who identifies as LGBQT or every LGBQT scene in a tv show or movie sets my mind on a rollercoaster of thoughts that are not welcome. Is he dreaming of being with a man; would he rather be with that guy right now; will I ever be enough for him? Even during intimate moments, I feel as if he is putting on a show or 'acting' so as to not upset me.
Will we ever get to the point where I am not constantly thinking about it?

**Posted by ShibaMama** October 13, 2020 2:17 pm

That is a hard one for many people to work through, because it goes to the core issue of the withholding of information, and having to rebuild (if possible) a new normal. The triggering stage can happen for quite a while if you are not getting to where you feel that the conversations are honest from him.

If you are still having those thoughts, ask him the questions. Part of being a partner is him needing to be available to answer any and all questions, even if they repeat. His withholding has led to this situation, and he needs to be responsible for helping to provide a solution. If you still feel that you are unable to move forward and not be triggered, then ask yourself why. Is it because you don't believe him? Is it the lack of trust? Try to get to the root cause of the "symptoms" you are having. What root issue is feeding those feelings? Once you start answering the root cause problems, then the intrusive thoughts can become manageable.

**Posted by TangledOil** October 13, 2020 2:28 pm

Even though I’ve suspected by husband wasn’t quite straight for our 28 years together, he only confirmed my suspicions in January of this year. He was very ashamed of his same sex attraction and tried to suppress it. He was sexually abused as a child and he feels this played a role. I’m almost back to normal. I’d say I’d good with everything 98% of the time. I had my last anxiety attack over a month ago. The time in between them is getting and longer. It started out daily, then weekly, then biweekly (no pun intended), now I’ve not had any anxiety over our relationship in over 5 weeks.

Yes, what Shiba said... lots and lots of communication. My husband has never shown any frustration with all my questions.

Last edited by TangledOil (October 13, 2020 2:32 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 13, 2020 4:35 pm

DeeDee1771 wrote:
For those of you who are in MOM's.......

It's been 4 years that I have definitely known of my partner's fantasy/dream/wish to "maybe one day be fucked by a man". We continue our 36 year r'ship because apart from the sexual bombshell...we get on well and have a history and family we're both proud of. Even though he said he'd stuff all those desires down, and for 3 of those 4 years I tried to believe that all those thoughts of what he wished to do...would fade and I would start to trust and believe our r'ship was whole....I failed.
I am no longer tortured by thoughts, and no longer cry....but the sadness at the loss of the future I expected to have has dampened the way I look at life. Changed me.
Will we ever get past it?
I honestly can't say. Nor can I say if we split up I'd be any happier
I think to get past it would take something monumental

Elle

**Posted by TangledOil** October 14, 2020 11:15 am

I wanted to add that for me personally my husband's thoughts/desires (usually) don’t bother me. They never really have. It would be actions that could bother me. I guess I figure many people have some oddities it thoughts and desires, but if they remain thoughts and don’t turn into action, I’m okay with that. Maybe that’s unusual that I think that way, but I’ve thought that way for as long as I can remember.

Last edited by TangledOil (October 14, 2020 4:42 pm)