OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Need some positivity

**Posted by Dad1st** October 7, 2020 2:12 pm

It was our Anniversary on Monday and needless to say with my wife coming out as Gay 2 months ago meant it was a really hard time.

I have slowly started to come to terms that our marriage is over as she does not see a way forward and I am trying to get my head around what next.

So please if you have any positive stories about live after separating about being happy and feeling loved again... please do share I can do with some hope right now.

**Posted by Victo** October 7, 2020 2:20 pm

I'm sorry, Dad1st. It has been over a year for me since my wife came out, and I still swing wildly in my emotions. While I am sometimes still quite mad that she lied to me for almost 2 decades, there are also times when I am quite happy that I don't have to deal with the lies daily anymore. There are a lot of people on here who have found new hetero love and who are happier than they could have ever imagined. They appreciate their new lives MORE because of what they have been through. I get that. I'm not there yet myself, but now I can at least understand that point of view.

**Posted by Dad1st** October 7, 2020 2:44 pm

Victo wrote:
I'm sorry, Dad1st. It has been over a year for me since my wife came out, and I still swing wildly in my emotions. While I am sometimes still quite mad that she lied to me for almost 2 decades, there are also times when I am quite happy that I don't have to deal with the lies daily anymore. There are a lot of people on here who have found new hetero love and who are happier than they could have ever imagined. They appreciate their new lives MORE because of what they have been through. I get that. I'm not there yet myself, but now I can at least understand that point of view.

I can see that one would appreciate it more. I kept telling myself things are ok relationships are difficult this is rather normal etc etc now looking back I know things were not great so I can see a glimpse of hope... but it does not make it easier.

**Posted by stevo** October 7, 2020 4:35 pm

Dad1st. I hear you my brother, I;m in pretty much the same boat as you. I'm 51,and I KNOW things will get better, I know it in my heart and so should you! I know you have heard it a 1000 times as I have too, but it takes time man. I just know we will be OK. August 1st was our 22nd aniversary. DDay was july 12th. Not a word was ever mentioned on august 1st about our anniversary. I was just fine with that.
Steve

Last edited by stevo (October 7, 2020 4:38 pm)

**Posted by Blue Bear** October 9, 2020 10:32 am

Dad1st: Since you asked for it, I'll post.

A little over a year ago and a few months after my d-day, a fellow straight spouse suggested that I write Tracy Schorn (a/k/a, "The Chump Lady") after I shared my story on this board. The Chump Lady (www.chumplady.com) writes an excellent blog and wrote an excellent book on infidelity. The advice she provided was spot on. I followed it.

A few months ago, another straight spouse contacted Tracy, and she connected him with me. I also provided Tracy with a "one year later" update. You can read all about it here (https://www.chumplady.com/2020/07/one-guy-chumps-gain-a-life-story/), which includes a link to my letter from last year.

Life gets better, but it doesn't just fall out of the sky into your lap. You have to start taking steps, even baby steps, toward your new life. I can't take all of the credit for pulling myself out of the shitshow that is being a straight spouse. This would have been impossible without my girlfriend, family, friends, my amazing kids, co-workers, lawyer, therapist and doctor. Glad to provide advice based upon my experience.

This isn't easy, but you can do it. You will do it. Remaining in the hell that you are in is not an option; get out.

Last edited by Blue Bear (October 9, 2020 10:33 am)

**Posted by Dad1st** October 9, 2020 11:10 am

Thanks Blue Bear this helps and I am definitely going to check out Chump Lady.

**Posted by Rob** October 9, 2020 12:25 pm

Like Bluebear im doing well now also and could not have said it better. I look back and consider this my 2.5 years in hell. It took a lot of support and yes it took time.

Yes I learned I was a chump. The person that love me so much an

Small baby steps ..always forward..knowing it's not forever. It is a season, a valley. But we need not stay in the (gay) valley. We are not citizens of this valley.

**Posted by Dad1st** October 14, 2020 11:24 pm

Blue Bear wrote:
Dad1st: Since you asked for it, I'll post.

A little over a year ago and a few months after my d-day, a fellow straight spouse suggested that I write Tracy Schorn (a/k/a, "The Chump Lady") after I shared my story on this board. The Chump Lady (www.chumplady.com) writes an excellent blog and wrote an excellent book on infidelity. The advice she provided was spot on. I followed it.

A few months ago, another straight spouse contacted Tracy, and she connected him with me. I also provided Tracy with a "one year later" update. You can read all about it here (https://www.chumplady.com/2020/07/one-guy-chumps-gain-a-life-story/), which includes a link to my letter from last year.

Life gets better, but it doesn't just fall out of the sky into your lap. You have to start taking steps, even baby steps, toward your new life. I can't take all of the credit for pulling myself out of the shitshow that is being a straight spouse. This would have been impossible without my girlfriend, family, friends, my amazing kids, co-workers, lawyer, therapist and doctor. Glad to provide advice based upon my experience.

This isn't easy, but you can do it. You will do it. Remaining in the hell that you are in is not an option; get out.

Thanks I read Chump ladies book in 2 days. It was really helpful

I am still confused some days I am SO ready to move on then she says something or does something and I do not want to lose her. I went to away for a few days and I MISSED her how do you miss the person who hurt you SO much

**Posted by Blue Bear** October 15, 2020 12:53 pm

Chump Lady rocks.

I went through the confusion, too. You miss her because you invested deeply in her, and you are feeling exactly the way you should feel -- i.e., you don't want to lose her, you miss her, you don't want to lose the life you built with her. When you invest this deeply, leaving isn't (and shouldn't be) easy. Just keep in mind that she didn't (and couldn't) invest as deeply in you because she's not straight.

**Posted by Dad1st** October 19, 2020 12:07 pm

Blue Bear wrote:
Chump Lady rocks.

I went through the confusion, too. You miss her because you invested deeply in her, and you are feeling exactly the way you should feel -- i.e., you don't want to lose her, you miss her, you don't want to lose the life you built with her. When you invest this deeply, leaving isn't (and shouldn't be) easy. Just keep in mind that she didn't (and couldn't) invest as deeply in you because she's not straight.

Yeah this is the conclusion I have come to, she mentioned that she can't see a future as she cannot give her all.