Blindone,

First I just wanted to say you are not blind..dont call yourself that.  You and us gave true fierce love.  These spouses did not. 

I thought about my purpose when  my now GX was actively cheating and blowing up the marriage.
Yes, my kids give me purpose and bind me to this earth.
But even without kids I thought a lot about who I am. I'm not the same teenager as I was when I met her.
BUT, I realized I survived for years on this earth before I met her.  Surely I could survive without her.  In short it turns out she was not some omnipotent God or some Supreme being...but a very broken hurtful person.   I say turned a corner when I realized my life still had purpose ..my time, energy, talents, and fierce loyalty and love can be dedicated to myself, kids, and new worthy people.
She may have defined me but now forfeited all rights and privileges to my being defined by her.

You would be amazed how much purpose one can have when you are not spending all your time and effort trying to please someone who will never be pleased.

This is something that happened to us..but it does not have to define us.

Rob wrote:

You would be amazed how much purpose one can have when you are not spending all your time and effort trying to please someone who will never be pleased.

This is something that happened to us..but it does not have to define us.

This is such wisdom and encouragement .  . 

Thanks Taken..,     I think the word "purpose"  caused me to respond to this thread...

Blindone said ".. ...looking for any thing that helped you turn a corner."

I recall feeling helpless...so dependent on this woman who was now cheating on me...I did not know how to cook or even balance a checkbook..  I had trusted completely this person and now had to somehow figure everything out on my own.   Being codependent on one's spouse is not a bad thing when their intentions are true and noble.  But now I learned she was not really for me.   But surely, before I met her, I was capable of doing things.   But I'm also not 17 anymore..    

 One motivational email list I get still get  is Mark & Angel Hack Life...recommended ..do not be put off by their final plugging for seminars and books..  So this morning today's story/metaphor resonated with me and describes my marriage above...and I think was a point when I "turned a corner" so to speak;

Metaphor #2 on their metaphor hack;

"
All too often we let the rejections and failures of our past dictate every move we make. We literally do not know ourselves to be any better than what some opinionated person or narrow circumstance once told us was true. Of course, an old rejection or failure doesn’t mean we aren’t good enough; it just means some person or circumstance from our past failed to align with what we had to offer at the time. But somehow we don't see it that way – we hit a mental block that stops us in our tracks.

This is one of the most common and damaging thought patterns we as human beings succumb to.

Even though we intellectually know that we’re stronger than we were in the past, our subconscious mind often forgets that our capabilities have grown.

Let me give you a quick metaphorical example...

Zookeepers typically strap a thin metal chain to a grown elephant’s leg and then attach the other end to a small wooden peg that’s hammered into the ground. The 10-foot tall, 10,000-pound elephant could easily snap the chain, uproot the wooden peg and escape to freedom with minimal effort. But it doesn’t. In fact the elephant never even tries. The world’s most powerful land animal, which can uproot a tree as easily as you could break a toothpick, remains defeated by a small wooden peg and a flimsy chain.

Why?

Because when the elephant was a baby, its trainers used the exact same methods to domesticate it. A thin chain was strapped around its leg and the other end of the chain was tied to a wooden peg in the ground. At the time, the chain and peg were strong enough to restrain the baby elephant. When it tried to break away, the metal chain would pull it back. Sometimes, tempted by the world it could see in the distance, the elephant would pull harder. But the chain would not budge, and soon the baby elephant realized trying to escape was not possible. So it stopped trying.

And now that the elephant is all grown up, it sees the chain and the peg and it remembers what it learned as a baby – the chain and peg are impossible to escape. Of course this is no longer true, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that the 200-pound baby is now a 10,000-pound powerhouse. The elephant’s self-limiting thoughts and beliefs prevail.

If you think about it, we are all like elephants. We all have incredible power inside us. Certainly, we have our own chains and pegs – the self-limiting thoughts and beliefs that hold us back. Sometimes it’s a childhood experience or an old failure. Sometimes it’s something we were told when we were a little younger.

The key thing to realize is this: We need to learn from the past, but be ready to update what we learned based on how our circumstances have changed (as they constantly do). Life is not static. You can break free.
"
 

Last edited by Rob (October 8, 2020 8:39 am)

Thank you for your insight.....what IS the thing in my brain that seems to want to protect him and prevents me from telling him family? I have told one of his friends that I am also close with. But only b/c he pressed me and actually threw out that many thought my X was gay before I came into the picture.  I said, "I think he's confused" so was still protecting in a way.

He too comes from a strict Catholic family with strict mother that he's very close with. Two older brothers.  I am close with one, but if I spoke to him about this then it would a burden to him I'm sure.  BUT, it is my story as well, no?

In some way, I want to say, 'this is not how I wanted it to be. It's not my choice for us to be apart".  Really it is, but I cannot compete with a man.

I've asked him again to be honest - I have the evidence that he hasn't admitted to.  If we have any chance of any sort of relationship (friendship?) he has to be honest. I feel this is part of my healing otherwise I wouldn't keep on......