OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Shocked, scared, don't know what to do

**Posted by Sunflower25** October 5, 2020 7:07 pm

Hello, I am so upset, hurt, sad, I could go on. Last week I found out my husband has cheated on me with a man. I had suspicions but no proof. He would not let me on his phone or ipad. He took them wherever he went. Being home due to covid, I noticed that he was communication all the time with this person. He kept saying he was helping him with his resume, finding a job, etc. He was much younger than my husband and it just seemed odd to me. He was out of the house, so I finally got on his computer. I found texts and pics. I confronted him and at first denied it but with the printed off messages, it was hard to. I feel sick, we have been married for 20 years, have three kids and what I though was a wonderful life. I feel lost.

**Posted by Daryl** October 5, 2020 9:18 pm

Hello Sunflower, many of us have been in this same situation once we found out. You don't expect this from someone you made vows with and it's definitely a deep wound. There's a number of ways you can go from here but you don't have to decide right away. Take some time to breath.

When you're ready you may want to read the pinned 1st Aid Kit thread here - https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217
It contains a lot of advice, thoughts and links that a number of us have collected up over the years. Pick out the ones that match your immediate needs. Other parts you might want to consider as background info, maybe to come back to later.

I realize COVID makes it tough to talk to other people but please see if you can do so. Close friends, close family, a local pastor, family doctor, a therapist, if you have access to one. If that is not easily done, there's always people here you can talk to.

Be kind to yourself. You can survive this.

**Posted by Blue Bear** October 6, 2020 1:30 pm

So sorry you are here, Sunflower25, but glad you found this place.

You are likely still in the absolute shock phase. When I was in this phase, I had no idea what to do, what the next steps were, or how to move forward in a new reality. I couldn't even think. I wish that someone had asked me the following questions during this phase, as it would have helped me start processing all of this.

1. Your spouse is having an affair. Are you ok with that?
2. Your spouse has lied to you and gone to incredible lengths to cover up the affair. Are you ok with that?
3. Your spouse lied to you about their sexuality. Are you ok with that?
4. Your spouse is continuing to hide relevant facts from you, as shown by not sharing iPad/iPhone/etc. Are you ok with that?

So much to think about, especially if children are involved. Just remember that none of this is your fault, and completely ignore any and all of his attempts to try to push any of the blame for this to you. You have earned none of that nonsense.

Good luck. We are here to help. And yes, life does get much, much better. Mine is now better than before!

**Posted by stevo** October 6, 2020 3:09 pm

Hi Sunflower25. Sorry that you are on here. You are not alone. I'm new to having my life shattered as well. Jul12 2020, wife of 22 years tells me she is a lesbian. Sorry I don't have any good advice to give you as i'm still on the receiving end. It has been close to 3 months for me and with the help of friends family a therapist and this site, I am taking small steps , very small steps forward. Just keep telling yourself that you will be ok, and things will work themselves out the way they were meant to. There are some real good people here with a wealth of knowledge . Take care of yourself and children.
Stevo

**Posted by Sunflower25** October 6, 2020 8:29 pm

Hello, thank you for your responses. I can’t figure out how to reply directly to each of you. I’m not very electronic savvy. Stevo, I’m so sorry. It’s a club nobody wants to be in. Thank you for the kind words. Blue bear, thank you you the reply and questions to think about. Too bad all the answers are yes. Daryl, thank you for the link to first aid. I read it and it was so helpful. I’m glad I don’t have to go through this alone. Looking back, there were lots of clues I missed or didn’t want to see.

**Posted by Ferngrove** October 6, 2020 9:17 pm

I am new to this all as well. My story isn't the exact same as you. But I can relate to the feeling of being shocked and scared and not knowing what to do. It's only been about 10 days for me. I found the Straight spouse Network podcast helped, especially the one with Joe Kort. Take some deep breaths. Keep breathing slow deep breaths. Come on here to find people to talk to. You aren't alone!