OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Why do I feel guilty?

**Posted by TangledOil** September 30, 2020 4:16 pm

I’ll recap some... My husband disclosed he’s bi nearly 10 months ago. I’ve known something was different about his sexuality nearly our entire 28 years together. When my husband finally came to terms with and admitted this to me he asked if I’d be open to him having a ‘friend.’ After months of consideration on both our parts we’ve concluded that would not work for our marriage. Yesterday I was reading something here where a women was fine with her husband having a ‘friend’ to get together with a few times per year. Every time I read about someone being a-okay with that I feel guilty for not being okay with it. It’s hard on me. My husband and I have a very good relationship. He hasn’t asked about having a friend in many months now. Does anyone else feel guilty not being okay with something so far out there? My husband doesn’t think I should feel guilty at all. He realizes the ask was a huge stretch for probably almost everyone. It really weighs on me.

Last edited by TangledOil (September 30, 2020 5:48 pm)

**Posted by Julian_Stone** September 30, 2020 5:15 pm

No. Not at all.
Personally, if my husband asked for a "special friend," I'd make a call to my friend...the divorce lawyer.
It's no different than asking to sleep with a redhead or the sexy neighbor.
You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about it.

**Posted by TangledOil** September 30, 2020 5:54 pm

Thank you, Julian.

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I do when I read about another being accepting of it. I think it’s because my husband has never asked for or done anything outrageous in our 28 years together and I’ve never had to say no. I do appreciate your words.

Last edited by TangledOil (September 30, 2020 6:29 pm)

**Posted by Julian_Stone** September 30, 2020 7:47 pm

Be kind to yourself. Ten months isn't very long—and you'll likely cycle through a bunch of different emotions as you grieve your old marriage. You're a loving and caring spouse—and have done nothing to feel bad about.
We are all on our own path. I think open marriages only work when both parts of the couple are enthusiastic about it. But, most people who get married expect monogamy...and there's nothing wrong with that ;)

**Posted by TangledOil** September 30, 2020 9:45 pm

Thank you Julian. I did certainly mourn the loss of the marriage I though I had early on in this process. I’m actually much more content in many ways now than I’ve been in the past couple years. I knew my husband was a very private person and I had felt that something wasn’t being said the last couple years. We are definitely more open and honest with one another than we’ve probably ever been with his revelation. Yup, I certainly didn’t get married to have an open relationship. He already knows if we had an open relationship I’d very likely have zero interest in having a sexual relationship with him. I guess it helps that we’ve never struggled within our sexual relationship.

**Posted by Virion** October 1, 2020 5:39 am

Don't feel guilty ! Every couple is different, you have to be true to how you honestly feel ,it would be not " a friend" it would be a sexual partner- wise up , why would this be acceptable to you if your whole being is screaming NO ?
It would be seeking intimacy outside of your exclusive marriage- a deal breaker and yes as Julian said exactly like wanting a treat with the hot neighbour up the street !

**Posted by TangledOil** October 1, 2020 10:58 am

Virion,

Oh, I know full well it would be a sexual partner. I know I am not on board and my husband knows that and is okay with it. For some dang reason I still feel guilty when I hear of another women being okay with it. I don’t know why it leaves me feeling that way. It just does. It sucks. I hate this feeling. Even my husband says I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I still do. I’m better off not reading stories about how a woman is thrilled with her husband’s man on the side.

**Posted by SusanneH** October 1, 2020 11:39 am

I have to agree. Don’t feel guilty for following your convictions. I am a strictly monogamous person. I was married before & my 1st husband passed away at 56. I was 18 when we got married, so I’d been married my entire adult life. We never had a problem with infidelity at all. It was unspoken & just known.
Before I married my now husband, I told him what I expected in a marriage concerning monogamy : That he not have sex of any kind: intercourse, oral, hand, etc; with anyone else but me.....period. I told him if he couldn’t handle it, then don’t marry me. He was 53 & had never been married. All I knew was marriage. All he knew was having sex with everyone....little did I know that meant everyone.

So, when I found he had been cheating with men our entire relationship, I was devastated. If it had been women, I would have been, too.

After we started to get past that, and he mentioned that he would rather have an open marriage, I was deeply hurt. That he could cheat on me all those years and then have the nerve to know my position on monogamy & ask me to give him permission to have sex with other men with my complete knowledge and approval. I told him no way, but actually thought about it after seeing so many couples doing it. One thing I kept seeing was where women had opened their marriage, like I was considering....not wanting to do it, but doing it to please their bisexual/gay husbands- to fulfill their urges....and, then becoming totally miserable once they did it.
Open marriages can work...as long as BOTH of you truly want it. I realized I could NOT do it, and was even ashamed of myself for considering it, knowing how I felt; that I was about to compromise one of my core beliefs. If he had these great urges for young women with big boobs (I’m older & flat), then I wouldn’t have even considered it, so why was I doing it just because it was men?

anyway, my 2 cents worth (or more 😉). Good luck with whatever you do.

((((HUGS))))

**Posted by TangledOil** October 1, 2020 2:47 pm

Thank you Susanne,

I need to stop reading anything where a wife feels good about her husband having a man on the side. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty. My husband can’t even understand why I feel guilty other than he knows how much I love him and that I’ve never felt the need to say no before in our relationship. That makes it hard too. This really is the first time in 28+ years that I’ve ever felt I had to put my foot down.

I’ve told him I’m pretty darn sure agreeing to anything like that would be the end of me... the end of my ability to be emotionally and physically attracted to him. Anyway, I’ll get through it. I’m kicking myself for reading about a lady being all happy about her man having a male lover. 🤢

**Posted by Julian_Stone** October 1, 2020 4:23 pm

TangledOil wrote:
I’m kicking myself for reading about a lady being all happy about her man having a male lover. 🤢

It's the Internet...You can't even be sure it was a woman.
Have you ever met anyone (in real life) who is thrilled their spouse has a gay lover on the side? I definitely haven't!