OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Anyone's spouse blaming you for their orientation issues?

**Posted by MelanieElizabeth** September 6, 2020 4:00 pm

Hi - My husband of 23 years came out as Gay July 13th to me. He is still in the early, early stages and struggling to accept his identity fully himself. He has always been emotionally immature and tends to hold a certain image of himself. Anything or anyone that contradicts the alternate reality in his head is targeted with anger and indignation. I've seen this play out throughout the marriage with me, friends, work colleagues, etc. even on issues not related to sexual identity. I feel he has regressed even more into adolescence since he told me - throughout the marriage he has been moody, emotionally distant, and emotionally abusive in the last 4 years. From certain discussions we've had, I now realize he has convinced himself that if I had been more sexually available in the first year of our marriage this wouldn't have happened. I know from SSN, that this has nothing to do with me and is all about him. We are still living together and plan on divorcing in the next few months but really want to try to be friends. I know he is delusional, but is there any way to push him? He is in therapy (as am I) , but not often enough. I know I can't control him - only myself. But, I'm afraid if he can't take responsibility I can't be friends moving forward. Just wishing he could gain more self-awareness for both our sakes. Thanks all!

**Posted by lily** September 6, 2020 8:35 pm

Yes, most of us have been blamed by our gay in denial partners. And most of wish they'd take some shared responsibility but the way forward I found was to accept that it wasn't going to happen.

The way I thought it through was that it was up to me to be the responsible adult in the room and I could see it was better for him emotionally to separate, as well as for myself. All my initial ideas of remaining friends faded pretty quickly but we remained cordial and occasionally we meet but I do not think of him as a friend!

**Posted by MelanieElizabeth** September 7, 2020 10:11 am

Thanks so much for your replies and support. I agree 100% about being the adult in the room. I feel it's been that way for years. And, that's good advice on possibly taking a break from being friends. We have to get out of this dynamic so we can both move forward. It is hard to let go after 23 years - many of which were good. I think I'm grieving that earlier time in the marriage when we were soulmates and yes we had a strong sexual connection. But, I know as he's gotten to midlife the situation has changed. I've had chronic pain issues, he's had health problems and we've had traumas losing elderly parents over the last 4 years. I had hoped it was just a series of horrible events/traumas impacting the marriage and we were in therapy for a while to try to work on it. I was blindsided by him coming out. But it explains many things. Thanks again for your support! It really helps!

**Posted by Musselburgh** September 8, 2020 4:56 am

'most of us have been blamed by our gay in denial partners...'
I would second that lily. As I said in an earlier post, my husband was/is exactly the same. Not just for the GID (or bi 'curious' in his case) but for anything which impacted negatively on him - nothing was ever his 'fault'. I'm starting to see much of this (and certainly G/BiID) wasn't my fault, however, it's a pretty steep learning curve :-(
MelanieElizabeth, your situation sounds so similar to mine - apart from your husband's 'coming out' (I discovered his activities on gay/bi dating sites, etc.). I wish you all the best for a stronger, more positive future x

**Posted by MelanieElizabeth** September 8, 2020 10:22 am

Thanks so much. I'm realizing too that my story is so similar to many of the SSpouses here. I agree, it is a steep learning curve. Especially after such a long marriage - there's so much history that has to be revised in my mind. I've always used control as a way to manage stress and cope with trauma. I'm working hard in therapy to limit my negative self-talk and let go. But, it takes time to change! I wish you all the best as well! Thanks!

**Posted by lily** September 8, 2020 4:53 pm

Self criticism is a good thing but with all the blame shifting? I remember thinking there are plenty of people to criticise me if I need it but right now not me, it's the last thing I need from me! And then as soon as I noticed I was thinking in a self-critical way would instantly stop the thought and go back to thinking about the problem at hand - it worked well.

come to think of it, I'm taking my own advice - I could do with a bit of that again now..

**Posted by blindone** September 21, 2020 5:20 pm

My ex says he does not blame me, but rather the rest of his friends + family, etc. All of his life people have suspected him to be gay because of his behaviors, so then that placed 'confusion' in his head that he may in fact be gay....so....that is what drove him to have sex with men. (To find out if those people were right.) He's 60 years old, successful, on the outside very buttoned-up.... but the matter of public opinion got his brain confused. I believe it's called blame shifting.

Last edited by blindone (September 21, 2020 5:20 pm)

**Posted by LostNalone** September 21, 2020 6:38 pm

My spouses closet is more like a revolving door. He does not blame me for being gay, but says I accepted him for who he was when we married and I shouldn't be surprised at his sexual orientation, he says he tried to tell me before we got married but I never took his hints. Yeah right, he is currently back in denial and acts like everything is "normal" and cannot understand why I cannot accept him as a straight man that was confused. The first time this happened I believed him, I'm done believing..... We tried to live as roommates or as I liked to say, as a modified marriage without benefits, but he keeps pushing for more than I am willing to allow. The other day I finally awoke to the realization that I deserve more than a fractured life. I now have an exit strategy and am so close to being free of the drama. Getting my ducks in a row and counting the days to my escape.

**Posted by Rob** September 22, 2020 12:18 pm

lost,

Yeah my GX never admitted anything but acted like I was at fault in the marriage ...she also actes like I must have known..implied once I must have known what I did wrong (yes I married a gay person).
It's part of their denial and blame shifting. It more abuse piled on us..but it's certainly not moral or reality.