OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / He finally admitted he’s Gay

**Posted by Virion** August 22, 2020 6:28 am

I'M so sorry for your pain, I;m 18 months behind you , I know I will be there eventually,my husband is similar except is so terrified of breaking up the family that he is denying it by living as straight for now , I see the mindfuckery though-the guilt when he looks at porn /has fantasies etc ( moo swings/ blanking me etc ) , He has abstained from homosexual practises since we met 9 years ago, eventually the pain of living a lie broke through and he came out in March only to "go back in " when I wouldnt allow him to experiment so to speak
4 children as well , What a mess

**Posted by HoldingOn** August 22, 2020 9:40 am

Virion, I sent you a pm. ❤️

**Posted by TangledOil** August 28, 2020 11:27 am

I’m so shocked and sorry to see this post. I’m angry too. How in the world does he just now figure out he’s gay? If it’s the case he’s gay, he’s always been gay, right? I can’t even wrap my head around this. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom, but I don’t have any right now. I’m completely dumbfounded by all of this. Could it be that’s he’s just over the moon about having a new person (man) he’s intimate with? I hope you don’t mind, but I talked to my bi husband about your story and it doesn’t even make sense to him. Hugs to you dear. I hope you find all the support you need.

Tangled

**Posted by TwistingInTheWind** August 28, 2020 12:19 pm

Some STD "bugs" can hold on for months. Go now and go again three months from now. What destroys the mind also destroys the body.

Head it off at the pass and put a swift STOP to it. There are MANY and VARIOUS STD's around these days. Mine was HPV which made surgery necessary. Out patient, thankfully, but it did need to be taken care of. I'll be tested again soon to be sure it worked. To anyone who is yet unaware - HPV's cause cervical cancer. ALMOST ALL CERVICAL CANCER IS TRACEABLE TO HPV INFECTION. HPV IS ONLY SPREAD BY SEX!

**Posted by HoldingOn** August 28, 2020 1:37 pm

Tangled,

I don’t mind at all you sharing my mess of a story. The more input the better I think. He’s always been gay, he’s told me that this week. But, in his words, he always wanted that perfect straight life as well.. and the deeper and deeper he got into that life with me, it made it that more impossible to break my heart to know the truth, the bi thing was nothing but a soft blow to get to the big knife of truth that got me 2 weeks ago. 😔

I understand why he lied forever. It feels horrible to hurt someone. His parents are horrible not kind homophobic people, so in his mind coming out was never even an option growing up. I get his story, I feel for him still, I’m sad he couldn’t be who he was for 36 years.

It’s me that I have no idea what to do with or how to even start functioning to go forward, He wants to be in his kids’ lives forever... he wants us to support eachother and do this kindly. That all sounds great and why wouldn’t I want that?

This hurt and sadness is just completely consuming me. It’s hard to see the forest through the trees as I’m facing the reality that every dream and plan I’ve ever had for the rest of my life isn’t there anymore.. that he isn’t even capeable of loving me as his wife anymore.This isn’t what I wanted. This isn’t fair. I’m a fix it and move on kind of person and there is no fixing this 😞 I want to be mad but there’s literally nothing to direct my anger towards... he did lie to me but it’s not his fault he’s gay.

Thank you the support. I had my first virtual therapy last week and all I could do was cry. That was an expensive cry fest. 😣

Also thanks fir the STD info, I will continue to be tested.

**Posted by Zenobia** August 28, 2020 3:13 pm

HoldingOn so very sorry you are in this painful situation. One of the many things that is so difficult is that while they are having this freeing moment we are seeing our hopes/plans crumble.

**Posted by HoldingOn** August 28, 2020 3:37 pm

Yes, and as sad as I am, I love him and want to celebrate his accomplishment of honesty. I’ve never felt so torn. For all of you, how long did the initial grief last for you?

**Posted by Virion** August 28, 2020 4:20 pm

3 Months grief.Then I decided to respect MYSELF as in, if he had said he wanted to be with other women would I be celebrating his honesty /bravery and sympathising with his life of confusion? NO
My husband managed to do shit this through an engagement ( woman) and 2 marriages ! and is now 50 .This is off the scale stuff , yes of course they suffer in their way but they chose to marry /commit /have children
out of their own fear and weakness. I finally woke up to see his sexuality confusion as NOT my issue and certainly not something to sort out for him which is what he desperately wants, I have the power to say leave or go - but I wont this is now his gig- face it up for once and own your own decisions
This doesn't make men/women who do this bad people obviously , in fact not at all , I still like ,love and respect him but I know he is NOT my responsibility to sort out. This gives me great mental and emotional freedom but it requires working through a grief period to get to this place, and its hard to get there. But common sense needs to prevail
I protect my own mental and emotional health. Not ideal as I am uneasy as to my future but I am taking back my power as a woman and a wife who deserves EVERYTHING, He needs to do the work to find out who/what he is, it is NOT MY JOB to make him feel better, make sex better /work out solutions for our marriage or his mental health
I know I will be impacted by him going forward but I'm ok with that as I know who I am and I stand strong
Pull the power back from him. They lied , They are incongruent, It will play out.

Last edited by Virion (August 28, 2020 4:27 pm)

**Posted by ShibaMama** August 28, 2020 4:38 pm

I'm so sorry to hear this. If you can, find the small ways you can work in self care. As you said, this is not your responsibility to have him figure things out, but for you to figure out what you need. Just because his emotions are complicated, doesn't mean they're more important. I find taking a soaking bath, getting a nice coffee, going on a hike or talking with a girlfriend can be more restorative than conversations that don't go anywhere. Take care of you. You are number one priority.

**Posted by HoldingOn** August 28, 2020 5:08 pm

“Just because his emotions are complicated, doesn't mean they're more important. “

Thank you for that, I know that’s true. I think it’s going to be a battle of my head vs heart for awhile. I know how it is, and if my best friend were in my shoes I’d probably tell her the exact same thing. I can’t wait to talk to her. We live 400 miles apart.. and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her on the phone. We have a girls weekend getaway planned in 2 weeks. Just her and I. Lots of wine, massages, shopping... probably crying too but I think it’s going to be good for my heart.

Thank you ALL for your support and honest opinions ❤️