OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Partner of 6 years came out as lesbian

**Posted by tabbtwake** August 19, 2020 12:02 pm

Hello all, I am new to this group, so I hope I do not break any rules, I'm just looking for support and guidance.

I am talking to my therapist today later to get some professional advice, but I also wanted to hear from other people who have gone through this before.

Context:

I am M and my partner is F. She was raised catholic and has long struggled with internalized homophobia and self-shame/self-hate for being who she is. Our sex life has struggled (sometimes, not all the time, sometimes it was great) because of anxiety/lack of confidence on my part, and a lack of desire/anxiety over sexual thoughts for women on her part. This has been a feature of our relationship for a long time, so this coming out wasn't news to me per-se.

We have been together for 6 years, married for 4. From about the second year of marriage onward, there have been conversations about her sexuality. She was deeply troubled by her attraction towards women and ruminated on it from time to time, leading to some long walks and some tough conversations. We stayed together though, each time because she 'couldn't bear the thought of losing me' and likewise on my part.

She eventually came out as bi to me, about a year and a half ago. We struggled with that conclusion and on more than one occasion she and I both questioned if she was bi, or just wasn't ready to admit she was/is a lesbian. It came to one point where we almost separated so she could think about if she should really be in a relationship with me. In the end, she stated that she was committed to us and needed me in her life.

More time passed and our relationship grew stronger in my opinion. We have always been amazing at communication and being there for each other. While we have shared some differences in our pastimes, we have been trying to make strides about being there for each other and trying new things. Really trying to be the best people we can for each other.

But the question still lingered in the background, and she entered therapy to seek out answers for herself. The pandemic allowed her to really focus on herself and she has grown a lot as a person in this time because of the absence of social pressures that women usually feel. I am proud of her in so many ways.

Yesterday, she had a therapy session and I asked her how it went. She said we needed to talk.

She said she needed to split from me because she has decided that she is lesbian and that she can't stand the anxiety that comes with being in a heterosexual relationship and not exploring that integral part of herself.

I cried, a lot. So did she.

We talked. She said she spent time exploring what she really felt for me, and that I really am her best friend. That her love for me has been as a friend, platonic, and not romantic.

She told me that she wanted to remain friends with me, but that we should end our relationship.

I struggled for most of the day, so I don't remember all the specifics. But that night, I questioned the move. I said I was supportive of her, and I wanted her to be happy, and if it meant not being with me then so be it.

I also said it was different for me, while she may feel like her love for me has always been like a friend, mine has been like I found 'the one'. I chose her. I love her with all my heart. It's so incredibly painful to think of a life without her.

And it's painful for her too. She broke down multiple times. Even saying, 'I hate myself, I hate my mind I hate this body I don't want to be this way. I just want to be with you and be happy.' I would never want her to hate herself for her sexual orientation or her body. It's not her choice to be lesbian. She said multiple times: 'I take it back, I can't leave, this is a huge mistake, I need you in my life, I love your body, I love you, I need you, I need your touch. I know you so well.' 'I can't be alone, I need you.'

We have bonded over the years on such a deep level that I thought we could make it through anything. I thought our communication and honestly and compassion for each other meant that this was it. I had found the love of my life.

I want to ask her to stay, but that is unfair, and I know it.

I don't want her to leave but that is unfair and I know it.

I am so confused right now. I am scared and I am alone. I wish this was some weird dream and I would wake up. I feel like the rug has been swept out from under me even though I knew this was an issue.

So that leads me to my questions:

Questions:

It seems pretty clear to me that she needs to separate from me. But maybe it's not so clear to an outsider. I know you don't know all the details but I'm just looking for advice. Is it OK/ wise for me to ask for her to stay? I've never been that sexual, it's not something I need. I'd be content just cuddling and holding hands and kissing, something she says she still loves doing and cried about not being able to do anymore multiple times yesterday. I feel like I need her in my life, I need her love, not someone else's.

Can it even work if its a mixed orientation marriage? Can she find happiness in that?

How do I be supportive without losing myself and my needs?

I am so lost. Thank you for your replies.

**Posted by Steve** August 19, 2020 10:25 pm

Hi tabbtwake

There’s a lot to unpack there (and I’m on a lunch break) so I might not cover everything in my first response.

The main thing I want to deal with is the fact that you love her with all your heart and soul but that she only loves you “as a friend”. I got the same speech although I didn’t even get elevated to ‘friend’. I got “I love you as the father of my children.” Awesome. I was loved as a sperm donor. Nice. Anyway...

My first question back at cha is would you be happy or content - in the long run - with just being someone’s ‘friend’ or might you actually want to be loved? I suspect that since you love her, in spite of everything, that you might be someone who values love. Why settle for friendship when love is something that you are so capable of giving and deserve in return?

The second thing I’d like to raise is about labels like ‘straight’, ‘bi’ and ‘lesbian’. Around here men are frequently accused of doggedly hanging onto their ‘straight’ label when they clearly are not. My experience is that some women do the exact opposite. Some women - particularly those whose sexuality is fluid - will change their sexual orientation like they change their clothes. When in a relationship with a man they will often call themself ‘straight’. When single (or ‘exploring’) they might call themselves ‘bi’. When dating a woman they will proudly join the ranks of the ‘lesbians’.

A woman’s sexuality may well be fluid but if she is sexually attracted to both males and females she is bisexual. Swapping between men and women doesn't make her straight or lesbian... it just confirms her bisexuality.

My ex-wife - who at one point claimed to be a lesbian but had sex (and plenty of orgasms) with me - was, is and always will be bisexual regardless of what ‘label’ she subscribes to on any given day.

Edit: Someone might claim that a woman can be a lesbian but enjoy straight sex. If that was true then ipso facto someone who is straight can enjoy gay sex. I hold the position that a woman who enjoys sex with men cannot be lesbian.

Your wife has announced she is a lesbian. Well... time will tell. It may be that she has a lesbian cheer squad around her right now who have welcomed her into their ranks. If she dates another man in two years time they will drop her like a hot potato and ‘opps’... she’ll be straight again.

Finally (this has already got too long) I want to tell you that 17 years after all of what is happening to you happened to me I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I am now married to a girl I dated in school. You can find my story in the ‘My Story’ section. It’s called ‘A 15 year journey’.

I had more to say about co-dependency and my ex-wife’s lesbian relationships but I’ll have to save it. Let’s just say that Lesbianland is not the feminist utopia that some women are led to believe it is. It can be hell.

Anyway... thanks for posting and keep reaching out.

Last edited by Steve (August 20, 2020 4:19 am)

**Posted by Steve** August 20, 2020 3:20 am

Hi again. Work is finished 😊

I wanted to address the fact that despite your wife only loving you “as a friend” both of you (for different reasons obviously) would consider staying in the marriage.

This probably means that you are a lovely person. She has already cried and said she doesn’t want to lose you. Many women on the verge of leaving second guess themselves and vacillate between going and staying. It’s a big decision and there is sometimes a lot at risk.

The desire to stay in a ‘less than ideal’ relationship can also indicate some form of co-dependency. I will let you google ‘codependent relationships’ to see if that Is what might be happening in your case.

Finally I just want to say that I feel your pain. You love her. If she chooses this route I hope you understand that it’s not your fault, you deserve better and - if you back yourself - you will find love again. PLEASE consider loving someone willing to love you back.

Last edited by Steve (August 20, 2020 3:51 am)

**Posted by lily** August 20, 2020 11:12 am

Hi Tab,

Um, it's this bit that has me confused "I've never been that sexual, it's not something I need. I'd be content just cuddling and kissing..."

that doesn't seem to fit with the romantic commitment of she's the one - monogamous kiss and cuddlers?

If you don't want her sexually and she doesn't want you sexually then maybe you can divorce and stay living together. Like Will and Grace.

all the best, Lily

**Posted by stevo** August 21, 2020 10:54 am

Hi Tab. I am in a very similar situation as you. Married 22 years and have a 9year old son. This is my first post and you can read my story in the " my story "section. I feel your pain my brother. This is all so new. I too can't seem to picture a future without my wife. Try not to worry about how she feels but worry about yourself. I keep telling myself that I am in control of my own destiny,wether it's with her or someone else, I will have peace of mind,happiness and love in my future. Take care brother ,I feel your pain and I understand. Stevo.